Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 68118 times)

Pip

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #660 on: October 26, 2019, 08:57:57 PM »
Before they slid into a booth, one guy brushed crumbs off the seat and the other took a napkin and swiped at a spill on the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.  "No thanks," said the first guy. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee too," said the second. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.  Two minutes later, she was back. "Two cups of black coffee," she announced.

"Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #661 on: October 28, 2019, 09:36:55 PM »
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up.  "Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the minivan driver.
 
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countach replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
 
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.  The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!"

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #662 on: November 08, 2019, 08:37:46 PM »
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.  Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.  After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.  The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and says  "then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #663 on: November 08, 2019, 08:41:28 PM »
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." 

He then taped it to his office door.  Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #664 on: November 13, 2019, 07:57:02 PM »
A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.

After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up.  "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.

"Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the funeral home."

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #665 on: November 13, 2019, 07:58:12 PM »
One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds.  He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off.  He said that the people of the church were God's sheep.  Then he asked, "If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?"  (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.)

After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: "Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd."

The minister, caught by surprise, asked, "Well, then, who am I?"

The boy frowned thoughtfully.  "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #666 on: November 16, 2019, 05:57:19 PM »
Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #667 on: November 21, 2019, 08:48:22 PM »
About a week ago, I saw an Internet column about eliminating paperwork clutter.  Great!  So I printed out the instructions and put them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk.  Now I can't find them.

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Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #668 on: November 24, 2019, 07:09:26 PM »
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.  Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.  Sure enough, after only a short time of searching, he found a gas cap. He carefully wiped it off and slipped it into place with a satisfying click.  "Great," he told his wife as he climbed back into the car, "I may have lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits and it's even a better cap than the one I had it locks..."