Author Topic: Jokes thread  (Read 81282 times)

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5476
    • Soul of Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #675 on: January 13, 2020, 03:09:44 PM »
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

2016: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2018: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2019: I will work out 3 days a week.

2020: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5476
    • Soul of Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #676 on: March 01, 2020, 01:58:29 PM »
Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.  The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.  "It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5476
    • Soul of Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #677 on: April 01, 2020, 05:18:56 PM »
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.  A curious neighbor wandered over and asked from a distance if he was going to have a garage sale.  "No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date. He'll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl."

"So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.

"Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys, and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5476
    • Soul of Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #678 on: April 04, 2020, 12:32:12 PM »
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.  "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.  Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.  The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.  She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Pip

  • Administrator
  • Super Hero
  • *****
  • Posts: 5476
    • Soul of Adoption
Re: Jokes thread
« Reply #679 on: June 16, 2020, 09:18:38 AM »
I was in a long line at 7:45 am at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.  He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.  As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you people don't let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop."