winter blues

[Catbrian]

Just to officially let everyone know that my recent plunge into the depths of depression has almost completely gone.  The last 2days seen a steady climb, made all the more easier by knowing I had the kind thoughts and support from people here on the Forum, it really made all the difference, especially on the days when I could barely string thoughts or words together; only a few basic written words on here and everyone knew exactly the position I was in.

It's all good and well coming up with planning strategies for dealing with these "blips", do a, b, or c.  But, whenever the black cloud engulfs my world, I don't give a second thought to a, b, or c.   It seems most of my usual common senses are temporarily disabled and all I can see is the blackness.

Over the last few days, I've realised that I would love to WANT to re-join life/society again.  My trouble is that I don't want to join in with life and make new friendships and possibly embark on more personal relationships.  I prefer to hide deep inside my cave, making friends, giving and receiving support from people online.  Today, when walking the dog, I had this vision of life passing me by at an enormous speed.  I found myself wondering what I would do if this day was to be my last.  I'm so very aware of many wasted years and lost opportunities; I can see possible avenues in the near future that will bring great practical changes in my life.  But, I need to work on what is blocking my senses from really WANTING to strive for all that change and improvement.    You've got to really want to do something before you have any hope of achievement..... this could well be my first major challenge for 2013.

I have other plans for a new 2013 start, buzzing around inside my head, which I'll talk about in another post.  As many have experienced, sometimes getting it all out on paper helps sort it out in our heads

[stewart]

this is freat news Cat, a new year has started to help you rebuild a life for yourself.
realising that you want to rejoin society again is a big step, and I can understand your concerns about building new friendships and maybe a more personal relationship.

[Buttercup]

That's a big step Cat, is there an opportunity for you to be able to talk it all through with someone? It sound that you really need someone who is good at helping you understand your own thoughts without adding to them. My PGCE course manager is excellent at this, hopefully you'll be able to find someone.

In my experience a lot of the time it's us being scared to expose our inner selves to society, a fear of rejection or being hurt. So in an act of self preservation we tell ourselves that we're fine as we are & we don't need these things until one day the truth hits us.

Xxx

[purple]

Why is it people around you just don't get how you feel. even when you tell the people close to you, they say sorry it will get better, and then just forget all about it, as if it never happened, that alone makes me feel more low.

[Leo]

Purple - I think it's just that. People don't understand or are frightened to get involved.

I appreciate everyone on this forum, they never tell you to pull yourself together. X

[Catbrian]

This also infuriates me as I'm sure it does most people suffering mental illness.  It's an illness that can't be seen and is easily interpreted as "just being a little bit fed up".  I think most people have experience of minor depression when a relationship goes wrong or some other disaster strikes their life.  People wrongly assume that all depression is the same down in the dumps phase that we all get over.  They are fortunately blessed not to know the full extent of our darker times.

[Catbrian]

Yes, thanks for everyone's posts.  I would add, I'm still at the stage where I don't want to re-join life/society but rather I want to want to (lol)  I know that sounds double dutch.  I mean, I want to be in the position when I once again have a passion for life, for friendships and even relationships.  Right now, I don't want these things in my life.  I'm still very much hiding in my cave dealing with  very serious issues surrounding Agoraphobia, which is largely underestimated and an extremely debilitating condition.  But, what is changing is that I realise this is something I need to work on.  I dunno, maybe it's about practising things, like pushing myself to go out more, maybe signing up for a college class or going on one of the MHT courses.  My plans to put a car back on the road would support me in those challenges.  If it starts to go horribly wrong, I can dash back to the car, lock myself indoors and hide under the blanket!!  Sounds a bit far fetched but I remember doing just that a few years ago.  I always lock the car door when I'm inside in case anyone attacks me.  Do other people do this?

The weeks leading up to Christmas, I was on a rocky road and, as always, I withdraw from the very few things that I allow into my life.  I wouldn't meet or, at one time, wouldn't even answer the phone to my Care-Coordinator from the CMHT.  As we all know, that all came to a head over Christmas but, thank God, I'm pretty much back to my normal, blethering away  $%$

Anyway, New Year, new beginnings...

[Zaf]

This also infuriates me as I'm sure it does most people suffering mental illness.  It's an illness that can't be seen and is easily interpreted as "just being a little bit fed up".  I think most people have experience of minor depression when a relationship goes wrong or some other disaster strikes their life.  People wrongly assume that all depression is the same down in the dumps phase that we all get over.  They are fortunately blessed not to know the full extent of our darker times.

So true Cat, as Ive said before, the only people that truly understand depression are those who have experienced it themselves

[Leo]

I lock my car doors at night Cat. Heard too many horror stories of young women drivers.

[Catbrian]

And so, it's back to "normality" after the festivities.  It was time to start calling council officials about some outstanding repairs and dampness, I needed to find my Driving Licence so that I can organise my car, but it's lost in the post, somehow, by DVLA.  The NHS Debt Recovery are still breathing down my neck about the money they want for my Dental Treatment, but I need a welfare officer to guide me through that.  They can't seem to understand that there is no money to pay them with.  Apparently I need to claim the money from the NHS, to pay the NHS.  But, I've been too depressed to be bothered.  However, the coming months need to see me deal with these very long outstanding issues that I've procrastinated over for way too long, putting them off further aggravates my chance of everlasting harmony.

Tonight I'm absolutely shattered.  I was up through the night throwing up.  Feel ok today, if a little fragile.  So, the plan is to now log off and go for an early night

[Sweetpea]

 %^% hope you sleep well Cat.

S x x x x

[purple]

thanks for that leo x

[Leo]

I hope you find the forums of use to you purple. I find it helps being among people who know what it likes, can advise what has helped them and don't judge you. X

[Leo]

Hope things are ok Catb.