I love my depression

[Wallow]

Ok, I'm not saying that i like feeling miserable but the feelings which people are now calling "depression" do provide me with some comfort. I have recently been diagnosed & they reckon the depression has been there on & off for the last 20 years. I guess for me, depression is who i am & i cant see it as an illness. The therapists & psychiatrist wont acknowledge this. I've started to wean myself off the meds & it's only day 2 of doing this but i feel better already. I have always known that i would kill myself in the end & submerging myself in this darkness that's inside me seems like the most beautiful & perfect thing in the world. Who is to say that i am ill because i think like this? The sadness in me is so deep it makes most of the things that happen on a daily basis seem so superficial, false & meaningless. Does anyone else feel reluctant to relinquish their "depression."
(I should add I'm not about to kill myself now.)

[Catbrian]

In many ways I feel afraid to admit an element of recognition.  However, I'm not entirely sure if it's a very helpful or potentially destructive perception.  Perhaps an equal balance off the two very valid points would make me more comfortable

Depression may well have become a part of who you are today, I think that could be the case for many of us.  However, equally valid is the fact that depression is still as much an illness as say something like diabetes.  With respect, I think it is the illness that is encouraging you to think in this unbalanced way.

Of course, there are many who decide, successfully, not to treat their depression with medication, but, if you're seriously considering suicide as a very realistic possibility, then, in my humble opinion, you need your medication more than ever right now.  We all make the mistake of thinking the meds are doing nothing to help, but perhaps it is that medication which keeps you from carrying out your thoughts.

Hope you're doing ok

[Martin]

I think I understand what you are saying. Someone recently asked me if I really WANT to change.

During a very low teary few days, I wondered if, in some odd way, I don't want to change because I am afraid of not experiencing the 'highs' after the downs. I know that may sound strange but when I come back up, it feels wonderful. Not that I don't 'want' to change because I NEED the lows to be less frequent and less painful.

Hi. My name is Martin and I have been on this rocky rollercoaster ride since I was a teenager - some 30 years ago.

[Wallow]

Thank you both so much for replying. It's my first proper post & i was a bit worried about noone engaging with me. Phew! I dont really have any highs, just lows & not so low.
What i am struggling with is that i can understand that depression is a low mood caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain but i cant comprehend how beliefs & thoughts can be attributed to this & who is to say which was are depression & which ones arent. Also since all experience is subjective, who is to say what i call a low mood is ACTUALLY a low mood & not what someone else calls an ok mood. Maybe I am just a miserable person who interprets all experience as negative? And I'm sure people will say it's because I'm looking at everything through the depression filter but I just cant seem to accept this. When people describe depression they are describing me as a person - if they were able to take it away, there would be nothing left of me. It's the same as my opinion of myself - I believe myself to be vile & worthless & i know this to be true. Some therapists have asked me to question this but i am the only person to truely know myself & i know this to be true - this is what i feel & it's always been this way.I  feel like i cant challenge this because this belief probably underpins all my opinions & behaviours &  what grounds me in reality, keeps my feet on the ground. What do you think?

[nocaph]

Unfortunately I know exactly what you mean.  I often see myself falling apart and there's a whole different world down there in the darkness.  To me it's like a discovery of an alien land.  Frou Frou (band) captured it with these lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13WAhlE02ew


Drink up baby doll
Mmm are you in or out
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me
Too busy
Oh, writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

(So let go) so let go
Jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
(So let go) let go
Just get in
Oh it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

... I had the pleasure of watching Imogen Heap sing this live

[Wallow]

Thanks for the link, i just listened to it. I knew the song before but had never really listened to the lyrics. They are really good. Glad to hear I'm not alone in thinking this way.

[Martin]

When people describe depression they are describing me as a person - if they were able to take it away, there would be nothing left of me. It's the same as my opinion of myself - I believe myself to be vile & worthless & i know this to be true. Some therapists have asked me to question this but i am the only person to truely know myself & i know this to be true - this is what i feel & it's always been this way.I  feel like i cant challenge this because this belief probably underpins all my opinions & behaviours &  what grounds me in reality, keeps my feet on the ground. What do you think?

I was sad, overwhelmed and, oddly relieved when I read this because you've echoed my thoughts. I have no idea what life is like without depressive, negative thoughts and without thinking myself a failure and worthless.

I wish I had a more useful comment to add but, I guess, the point is; you're not alone with those thoughts.

Martin

[Pip]

For many years I knew deep down I suffered with depression despite being accused over the years of being moody by my family.  It was a relieve when I was 'officially' diagnosed as I knew what I was dealing with. 

I guess for me, depression is who i am & i cant see it as an illness.

That is me.  My life experiences are the cause of my depression, the big BUT is that I can help others because of what I have been through which in turn helps me to cope.

[Got]

I think depression has been one of the most enlightening experiences that I have ever had. I hate its guts but it has also been a factor in my development, it has made me more understanding of others and more wise. I agree with old blue eyes, I just need the depression to be less frequent and of a lesser duration. Just a quick, short reminder would be sufficient.

Steve X

[Martin]

That is me.  My life experiences are the cause of my depression, the big BUT is that I can help others because of what I have been through which in turn helps me to cope.

$%$ - Pleased to see someone say what I think. I often wonder if talking about depression is a very negative thing to do by, as strange as it is, when I talk to others about their problems, I feel much better. Odd, isn't it?

[nocaph]

I don't think it's odd... an inherent part of depression is feeling isolated and talking to someone defies that notion.

[Martin]

And 'isolated' I sure do feel.
Most days.
Some worse than others.
Like today.

[Pip]

Sometimes I feel isolated as I was emotionally abused by my mum for many years.  It's not something I can talk about with family as my dad was the only one that did anything to try and stop my mum.  Everybody else in the family won't even talk about it let accept it happened.   

[nocaph]

And 'isolated' I sure do feel.
Most days.
Some worse than others.
Like today.

Anything you want to talk about?

[Martin]

I'll think about it and start a new thread. I don't want to take over this post.
Thank you for asking.
The big thing is trying to stay positive for more than a few minutes at a time.
Watch out for my new thread.