Hi Ella. Sorry, I've not been on the Forum much this past couple of weeks, but I've just been reading through your pages, since I last posted.
I'm so sorry to read of the difficult times you are having. I couldn't say any more than has already been said. I can totally understand any feelings of rejection you might have since your B/F left you for another woman. Let me tell you, Ella (from an old wise man!) not only is he an idiot, he's a cheat and a liar and someone you are best shot of. I think all women in their 20's must go through self-doubt whenever they are not in relationships. Maybe it's a lot to do with the "Biological clock" ticking. My sister always felt like you do throughout her 20's. She eventually married at 32 and subsequently had her two boys, who are now 17 and 19, and, yes, she is still with her husband. One day, you too will meet Mr Right. Until then, try not to evaluate yourself or your situation while you're so depressed. We all seem to have such a pessimistic view of ourselves when we're at our worst.
I don't know whether you need medication, but I certainly think it would help if you could talk everything over with your GP. I remember the first time I approached anyone about depression, I was in my late 20's and felt very self-conscious. Maybe I might have felt more awkward if I was using the same GP since childhood, but in many ways, maybe his knowledge of you and your background might help him support you as best he/she can. I always take a list to the GP, I think he almost expects it. I imagine I'm not the first highly-emotional patient he's seen with a list in their hand.
What worries me the most for you, is that your lows will gradually become lower and with it an increasing isolation. We are similar in that we both feel a certain amount of shame and maybe even embarrassment, about our depression and I think I keep my depression as much a secret as you do. It appears to me that you have a lot of thoughts about self-harm and left unchecked, my concern is that, one very low day, you might just carry out what is currently just a fantasy.
Ella, your health is too important, your life precious, NOt to take our advice and go see your GP. Everyone who has written on these pages have urged you to make an appointment. If Reception ask what you're making the appointment for, just say "personal reasons". You mentioned that you called a friend last night, who was a big help. Maybe you could explain the situation to them and ask if they will accompany you to the GP. Honestly, you'll find as soon as you're sat in front of the GP, all you'll need to say is "I am very depressed". The GP won't expect you to talk your own way through it, they will lead the way forward, I promise you.
I'm pleased to see you've been posting regularly. The Forum is one of the best places for support and advice that you'll ever find.
Please take care, Cat
