Please Reply - Bad Home Situation!

[heatherm2211]

Hey Guys, hope everyone is okay.

This is a lot to read through but please try to read it all, as I really don't know what to do about it, even my counsellor couldn't suggest much. Its really bringing me down, and could really use with some good advise.

I guess the first thing I should mention is My Mum. My Mum has severe depression and anxiety, a lot worse than mine. She's been suffering from it for at least over 20 years, since my Grandad (her Dad) died before I was born. My Mum & Her twin brother were adopted into my Grandma's family, and this has been a massive weight on her shoulders since my Granny & Grandad told her and my Uncle when they were pretty young. This has made her feel rejected etc, and she's always felt that she wasn't really a part of her family, and wasn't a good child meaning now she thinks she's a bad person. She has very bad guilt problems, feeling extremely guilty about the past and even things day to day that she shouldn't be feeling bad about.

On top of all this, she has a drinking and smoking problem. She drinks 5-6 cans of Lager every night, or more if there is more around the house. She thinks she needs this to sleep, when that's not the case because she has slept perfectly without them before. The smoking is mainly a way she deals with stress and stuff, and obviously it’s just a strong addiction. She also has an underactive thyroid, meaning she has very low energy levels, she claims she is ‘permantly tired’, gains weight and of course, makes her depression worse. But it’s too much effort for her to make an appointment with the Doctor to sort this, as my Doctor is very popular because he is extremely good.

Basically, her depression is so severe that she will push help away, and is extremely hard to get through to. The thought of changing for the better, scares her so much. She has had counselling, in which sometimes has been helpful for her but after the sessions have stopped she’s just been left with all this ‘baggage’ that she’s worked on in therapy, but not sure where to put it all, if that makes sense. So this hasn’t helped matters at all. She has now started CCBT sessions like me, but I’m not sure if they are going to make a difference because it’s a big effort for her, and for the sessions to work she has to work on the problems.

[heatherm2211]

Next is my brother Stephen. He has recently been discovered as an alcoholic, and has had a hard time in employment and education etc. He has also suffered from depression and is on Anti-depressants, the same ones as mine. But like my Mum, he drinks on top of the anti-depressants. And because alcohol is a depressant – the anti-depressants are just getting cancelled out. He claims he is a lot better after counselling at his work place, which I do sort of agree with, but I still think he has a long way to go with his feelings.  I get on really well with Ste usually, but recently it’s sometimes been hard to get on with him, because he has caused the family a lot of anger towards him over the past couple of months.

He’s been in trouble with the police whilst he’s been drunk, and has quite a busy criminal record, nothing serious of course but I guess you could call it bad ‘social behaviour’. When he’s been drunk he is extremely aggressive and violent, and this goes to towards everyone, including everyone in our family. Me being the youngest of my family, I have been threatened by him one time when he was drunk last month and now I’ve been stupidly put down on a ‘Domestic violence record’ because it was me that phoned the police on him, because he really had angered me, and he was causing a lot of trouble in public. I’ve never been so angry in my entire life, and that’s being completely honest. He doesn’t know about this luckily.  Because my Dad has been trying his hardest to help Ste with his alcoholism, and now Ste has had a big dip down, this has caused my Dad and the rest of the family a lot of stress.

Lastly is my Dad. My sister had severe disabilities, Cerebal Palsy, so my Dad took the responsibility to be my sisters ‘full time carer’. So obviously after she passed, my Dad has lost all purpose for his day to day life because his world revolved around my sister so much. He is working at my sisters old Primary school and also works a few hours on a ‘run’ in a van/taxi taking children with learning disabilities back and forth from their school. He does enjoy his job, but obviously this doesn’t fill the emptiness that losing my sister has left. My dad is a ‘typical male’ type, he is extremely closed off about his feelings, and I think I’ve only seen my Dad cry twice in my lifetime which was when one of his brothers/one of my Uncles died when I was only 6, and obviously when my sister died. I have recently seen him cry also, because of all the stress he has been under with my brother Ste. But I think everyone in the family believes that he is just as depressed as we have been, but is too wrapped up in his ‘manly’ reputation and pride to admit it or show it. So it’s hard to think that he is suffering in silence.

[heatherm2211]

I have another older brother called Scott, and his girlfriend Gemma lives with us too. She moved in shortly after my sister died, for support for Scott. Out of everyone, Scott seems to be moving on accepting things the most, because he has a very lively lifestyle and loves to socialize with his many friends. The only problem we’ve had with him is his attitude and personality. He is a very loud, confident person, and absolute LOVES to wind people up. So obviously this hasn’t been easy when everyone has been suffering from depression etc, because we are all now very sensitive and get upset/annoyed easily.

That’s about everything really, so obviously all of them problems cause a lot of conflict and bounce off each other causing more upsets and angry feelings in the household. It doesn’t help when my Mum & Dad are in a really hard financial situation too, so we can’t afford as many things as other families can.

Please, can ANYONE advise me on my home situation? It really gets me down and if I knew how to maybe help my family or make things feel a bit better, it would make a huge difference.

Please reply back, I don’t know who else to talk to about it.
 !???!   &*(

[darren_71]

Hi Heather

It is a horrible situation you find yourself in and it really needs someone to lead you all through this very rough time then try to unite the family as you seem to be a collection of individuals suffering alone.  It would be nice if it could be Scott.  As part of the immediate family he has gone through the same pain of losing your sister plus he has Gemma for support.  If you don't think he would think he would "step up" maybe ask Gemma to speak to him about stopping the winding up of the rest of the family and possibly try to get him to help Stephen as it seems he is the major problem and getting his alcoholism under control would take so much pressure off the rest of your family.

How did you Mum's twin brother turn out?  He might be someone you could approach as he went through the same childhood as your Mum and is a family member that (hopefully) Stephen respects enough to listen to him to alter his attitude and drinking.  Also he might be able to help your Dad get his feelings out a bit by buying him a few beers and having a matey kind of chat.  As you pointed out your Dad hides his emotions behind a wall of male pride and it might be the only way to bring them out.  I have seen big, strong men reduced to blubbering babys after enough alcohol.   

Plus don't ever feel bad for calling the police.  If you feel threatened in any way, no matter how close you are to the person, you need to call the police for protection.

Well hopefully things improve for you and your family soon.  Keep us informed how things are going.

   

[raqalil]

Hi heather, no advice unless it's to push for family counselling? I agree with Darren- domestic violence should not be tolerated, no matter who or what.

I hope you get the support you need- just be careful not to neglect your own health in all this, have a hug   %^& and message me if you need to chat, Rachel

[Ezel]

Hi Heather,

I'm sory I missed this as depression has hit me very hard lately. 

You've got a lot on your plate so cyber hugs coming your way.  With regard to your mum and uncle adoption does affect people in many ways.  Some adopted children and adults don't have any issues with it at all and are as happy/well adjusted as non adopted people.  The other end of the spectrum is the adopted people who hate being adopted for a variety of reasons such as they have never felt part of their (adoptive) family, in some cases they have been abused, they just haven't got on with their (adoptive) parents.  The majority fall somewhere in between. 

I'm not adopted myself, I am a mother who was coerced aka bullied and lied into surrendering so adoption has affected me in a negative way so understand why others suffer too.  I was 19 years old, working, quite capable of raising my son and wanted to raise him which is why I didn't abort.  Before this I suffered with depression anyway due to having an emotionally abusive/codependent relationship with my mother.  My sister had also been forced to abort by my parents when she was 15.  This was despite her boyfriend, who was working, wanting to support her and their baby.  Needless to say my parents made sure they split.  We were expected never to talk about about the abortion so I still don't know how my sister feels about it 35 years on.  Anyway when I was pregnant I kept quiet long enough so that my parents couldn't force me to abort my baby and adoption never crossed my mind.  When they found out they arranged everything and I wasn't told my rights, wasn't shown any paperwork, it is questionable I signed anything and I was blatantly lied to.  By the time I found I could have stopped the adoption it was 23 years too late.  What happened to me had a devasting effect on me but it wasn't until 2005 I fully understood the extent of the damage.  Until I found my son I was expected never to talk about him so buried my feelings although my husband knew the basic facts.  I had gone many years of being told I was a drama queen and an attention seeker when in reality it was depression taking a grip on me.  During the years before 2004 I self harmed which was the only way I knew how to release the pain of surrendering and was suicidal over the years.  That went for a time post 2004 which is the year I found my son except for a bad patch in 2005 and in recent months but that's a story in itself although adoption related.

My son always knew he was adopted and despite having a good life and being much loved by his adoptive family he has major issues with adoption.  If his adoptive dad had his way my son would have been readopted when he was two but one of the reasons they didn't do that is they wanted me to have him back.  It was a closed adoption so they had believed I wasn't ready to be a parent - his adoptive parents know the truth now.  Over the years my son's behaviour caused problems and he would try playing his adoptive parents off against each other so they came close to divorcing.  Yet he is intelligent, when he is happy he is very happy and has so much to give including love.

It was devastating to see the damage that adoption has done to my son and I hope one day he can be happy.  Our relationship has ranged from being very good to not talking which is a phrase we're going through.  Sadly I can't help him until he comes to terms with being adopted and moves forward. 

I hope this gives you a bit of an insight.

Pip