No goals, No motivation, uninspired and what it means to be a man?

[JokerPodCast]

The only mistake I made was leaving home in the first place.

[JokerPodCast]

The power company things I owe them money but I said to them I dont live there anymore, so I dont. Why cant people leave me alone?

[Zaf]

Did you tell them you were leaving and give them a meter reading?

[Pablo]

I no longer feel motivated by "goals" (I dont have any at the min.) I see them as a chore, another task to be completed. I literally have to force myself to do them. I cant even remember why I wanted those "goals" in the first place, they feel like a burden and I feel lousy even when I do them more than they inspire me. My problem is I find it very difficult to find a goal worth fighting for and I give in and give up to quickly if I dont enjoy what I'm doing. I usually give in to others because I dont want to fight which makes me a nice guy to be around but inside I feel alone and unwanted.

I have no ideas either about how to help myself.

My emotions are non-existent, due to thinking critically and picking reason over emotion. I pretend to be happy around others because thats what is expected of me, to be the strong man, and boys dont cry.

A man does not fear failure, does not make excuses, takes responsibility, a duty to become his best self, acknowledges his Limitations, even as he strives to overcome them, suppresses his emotions.

A man meets and surpasses the expections of others, it is this expection that makes me feel depressed.

Now I work a dead end job, the blank stare into ceilings in the morning, a feeling comes rushing over me, this despair, emptiness in the pit of my stomach, this stuck feeling and then BAM like I just been hit my a cold bucket of water, the realisation that I will never make it in poker. What the hell was I thinking? just another dreamer, another broke donk, a guy you never heard off, a guy you never knew, nor want to know.

I have nothing to look forward to, the life I know is to work hard and pay bills, I drive a crappy car, live in a crappy house with rats in the roof space I can here them crawling at night over my bed.

What can I amount to in life, lets see a resentful husband? a downtrodden worker? a depressed loner? I am nothing, worthless, if all that I do is work then whats the point, and I cant play because I am not good enough. Stuck in limbo, not living life but not dead either, just here. Always here, looking from the outside in, not notcied, not touched, not wanted, not missed, and not heard.

Recently I only cared about money, now its got to the point that I dont even care about that anymore because there is nothing I want, there is nothing you can offer me, nothing to do with all your stength, I love that film, Joker is cool, isnt he? I mean if I could be one guy, Joker would be him. I cant talk like one of you, because I'm not, even when I like to to be, to you I'm just a donk who has been marked as sucker, free chips at the table, dead money, dead man.

I could have written this, joker. Please believe that you are not alone even though we have never met, it sounds like you are describing my life.