Really bad week :(

[Jess]

So yep another bad week, infact one of the worst i've had for a while.

There has been no cause or reason but i can't stop thinking about suicide. I am still yet to tell anyone but i have one friend who seems to understand my trouble, the only problem is is that he spent the last week in a coma and only has 10 weeks left to live. This of course had not helped my situation at all. Im praying for more time with him.

I have another friend who is very depressed but she has saught help, i wish i had that strength but i just don't.

I keep telling my self not to end it but im running out of reasons, i love life but i also hate it. I know that i will die eventually.

Im really struggling with my thoughts on suicide but i am smart enough to think of ways to avoid it happening, at least for now.

I do find solace in writing my thoughts on here.

Thanks for reading again,
Jess x

[lightenup]

Hi Jess,  %^& I am sorry that I can't help you directly other than assure you that you are not alone.
You are dealing with a lot of things at the moment and it seems to me that your reactions this week are delayed to the bad news of your friend last week.  Is it possible that you could go with your friend and seek help?

Its the rollercoaster we are on and it gets very frightening, yesterday I felt very good so good I tried to learn a few words of a foreign language (just to prove to myself that I am not stupid) the frustration has slapped me back down so far................but I have to believe things will get better.

The suicide thing seems to come with extreme depression for me and totally loneliness (i am married but this doesn't stop the feelings, as he doesn't want to know or maybe I shut him out to protect him from my thoughts).

Keep posting Jess, at least we know we are ranting at people who understand all of this.xx   

[lightenup]

Hi hun have you told your parents yet, I think it is very important you get help. You also have lots to live for, are you doing exams at the moment ?  As I said before you have to start to love yourself, your posts are well written and show your intelligence.  Take care xx

[Willowrose]

Hi Jess,

I'm new on here but I thought I'd reply to you too.

I'm so sorry about your friend and the way you are feeling. Have you thought about writing your feelings down? Like in a letter, or a poem? x

[Jess]

Thanks for the comments, I used to write down my emotions but that ceased due to the fear of someone finding it. Yes i am also sitting a GCSE exam on the 18th (my birthday ), i also have my head girl interview this week. None of this really aids in my emotional status. xx

[Donna]

Jess, I'm so sorry to read your posting.  I'm also new here, this is my first posting, and reading your posting was so hard, because you're so young.

I'm 52 now, but at your age, I felt the same even back then, and tried to act on it, and was stomach pumped.  It had been a build up of events, and like you, had lost friends far too early.  One of them had committed suicide, and after the stomach pumping, I felt so thoroughly ashamed, because had seen the hell that his parents had been put through.  Some days, even now, I wake and wonder what the hell the point is of getting through each day, but I have a young son to stay around for.

It does help putting things down, and if you don't feel that you can do it on paper because of someone finding it, then do it on a private document on your PC, which presumably is your own?  And you always have this Forum, which seems to be wonderful because everyone's in the same position.

Go to your doctor, my darling.  It's the first step and it's not easy, but once you've done that, you'll feel better just for having taken that bull by the horns.  Go with a friend who knows you well, and understands what your problem is, and wants to help. Sadly, not all friends understand that it's a depression issue and just have us down as 'Moaning Minnies' who 'can't get their act together' and tend to avoid us, which makes it worse.  Makes you feel even more excluded.

I only went to the doctor within the past two years, really, and that was because I thought I had the onset of Alzheimers - my concentration was shot to pieces, couldn't focus, and had become paranoid that I was being singled out for bad treatment at work - but it wasn't Alzheimers, it was depression striking again.  If you've got these symptoms my love, then you do really need to get help because it may impact your exams.   Do you have a Youth worker or Connexions, etc, that you can talk to?  You'd be amazed how many times they probably have to deal with this situation, and Jess, there's no shame in asking for help. xxx