Can't cope

[niz]

Hi willow,try and find someone to talk to about it,i know its difficult at times but it suprised me how getting things out in the open sometimes helped.I was in a the same situation with work a month ago,I would turn into work only to be a complete mess and no good to anyone and then i just walked out and went home,I cant take time off work like the doc wants me too as i am the only earner in our family so cant pay the bills if i dont work,I have been lucky so far as my gp has been very understanding and i have just started counseling.Please just hang in there,think about all the people that love and depend on you and get to your gp again and no matter how hard or strange it feels be honest with your doc,I am the worlds worst for talking to people and showing my emotions but i now know how important it has been for me to do it.I'm not cured in fact far from it and i know its going to be a long road with lots of pitfalls on the way,with medication and lots of help i will do it.Get as much help as you can,dont be embarresed or shy,you deserve the help and i wish you luck,you CAN do it.

[willows]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement but I am struggling to believe that I will ever feel better again. I Am not living anymore I am in a black hole and death is the only way out. I am trying to fight it but it seems to be the only thing I can focus on.

[willows]

My daughter took part in a charity race today and she asked me to go and support her which I very much wanted to do but it was such a struggle. The park was so crowded I felt panic as a soon as we entered the gate. She went off to register and I stood frozen to the spot.  I wanted to flee to the safety of home. I fought the fight or flight feeling for my daughter's sake but I could not stop shaking the whole time I was there. I got  home and took to my bed feeling totally exhausted.
I am feeling so anxious and low ths evening. How can something that should be so easy feel like such a hugely difficult thing to do.

[Michael Frankum]

Dear Willows, I realise that it must be very difficult for you to think of this at such a difficult time, but you should be very proud of dealing with this for your daughter. You struggled and you were victorious! I hope that you are able to unwind eventually, and give yourself the praise you deserve. Wishes for a comfortable night.  +-_

[willows]

I hate the night time. Wide awake but desperate for sleep, going over and over things in my mind. Been crying most of the day and night. Exhausted and had as much as I can takem

[willows]

My psychiatrist appointment is next Tuesday. Feel very unsure about seeing a psychiatrist but then I had to call the mental health out of hours line at 3am last night to distract me from acting on my worst thoughts so I know I need to see the psychiatrist but I am scared.

[Buttercup]

Easier said than done but try not to worry about the Psychiatrist.  I had a panic attack in front of the doctor when she told me that I was being referred.  It turned out to be fine, the psychiatrist was lovely and put me at ease.  I've seen her a few times since and I am very much part of my own care, we talk about med options and she listens to my concerns.

xxxxx

[willows]

Thank you for your reply Buttercup, it is reassuring. My fears are probably unfounded but I just never thought I would ever find myself needing to be referred to a psychiatrist. Bad times.

[Buttercup]

It is a bit of a shock to the system when it happens. 

Hopefully they'll be able to sort out your meds and then things will get easier.  One thing I found is that the psychiatrists seem to just do the prescribing, talk therapy etc happens elsewhere. 

xxxx

[turquoise]

Willows my heart goes out to you and I have been there I spent one night sitting in the rain crying hoping exposure would get me and it is hard to admit to feeling that you want to end it all, I have been there so many times and have always been scared to admit it and I dont know what keeps me going but hang on in there and I hope that you get some light into the darkness soon

T

[Sweetpea]

I remember crying when I got referred to the psychiatrist. But he was so good. Changed my meds and got me on the road to recovery. He understood everything I said. I do hope you get the help you need. S x x x x

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[willows]

Driving to work yesterday I had a complete melt down and had to pull in to a car park half way to work. I called my manager to say I couldn't come in because I was unwell. I said it was because of the cold I currently have but she instantly realised I wasn't being totally honest with her and asked me to meet up with her away from our workplace. We met up and I fell apart in front of her but she was amazing. She knows a lot about my problems and knows that work has what has always kept me going so after we sat and talked for over an hour she convinced me to go in to work for a couple of hours and then go home because I had confessed to her that if I had gone home sick I don't think I would have gone back to work for a long time. In fact being totally honest with myself i would have seen it as my final and biggest failure and i belive it would have been the end of me. it was hard walking in to the office but I did it. I am not back on duty now until Saturday and I am sitting here worrying about how I am going to feel on Saturday. I can't go through feeling like that every time I go to work.

[turquoise]

How brave of you to admit how you felt to your manager and she does sound amazing.  I know it is hard I used to worry my time off away from work about going back into it, but you did go back into the office and that was brave you sound and incredable person and I truly hope you get some light soon.   *()

T xxx

[Sweetpea]

(((( hugs )))) its good to hear your manager is so understanding. S x x x x

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[Pip]

I'm glad you're getting support from your manager  %^%