Can't cope

[Ezel]

Willows ~ if you get that bad please ring the Samaritans and it is okay to off load here.  If necessary I will move the thread to Our Private Space if you want to open up but in a private area so visitors can't read the thread.  I have changed your primary membergroup to Karma Group so you can see the private board. 

[willows]

thank you everyone for all your words of support, i don't deserve them

got some sleep with the tamazapam but only 6 hours. i woke up a few times but fell back to sleep quickly. woke up very anxious, very low mood and feeling groggy but I have to be at work at 1pm today so i need to try and find some motivation although I feel panicky that I won't hold it together again at work today. want to crawl back under my duvet and shut myself away from the world but i know if i don't go to work I will have given up completely which looks like my easiest option at the moment. i am a burden to my work colleagues and my family . a waste of space. everyone would be better off without me

rambling on.sorry

[PaulaJo]

Hi Willows
Of course you deserve our support! You deserve to be helped and encouraged. Everyone does.
You are doing SO well.
We are all only human, and it is OK that we have times in our lives when we struggle. We can't be perfect and hold it together all the time. Most of the time it feels like I hardly ever "have it together".
You are being so brave. It may not feel like it but you are. Trust me.

Do your colleagues/ employers know what you're up against?

[willows]

My line manager knows and is very supportive but I worry all the time that I cause her too many problems because I am also on restricted duties and stuck in the office at the moment instead of out and about doing what i am supposed to be doing due to be unable to walk any distance at the moment due to foot problems that are being treated.I constantly fear being called to a capability hearing although my manager has tried to assure me that she has no concerns at the moment. some of my colleagues know but i dont think they really understand. being stuck in the office because of my foot is not what I need at the moment because it feeds my feelings of uselessness, that I am not pulling my weight and that I am a failure at work as well as in the rest of my life although I also worry that when my foot starts to improve and I can get out for short periods will i have the confidence to face members of the public again. i feel like my life is in a bubble at the moment and i am scared that it might burst and i won't be able to cope. at this moment in time i want to end it all before the bubble bursts but I don't even seem to have the courage to do that properly

[Sweetpea]

You are doing well to get to work. It must be very hard for you to do this. Depression is so cruel. Please take care. S x x x x

[PaulaJo]

Don't worry yourself too much about when your foot is better and getting back out there with members of the public.
I'm sure that once your foot starts feeling better, and you can get more out & about, you will feel a bit better generally too and you may feel 'in a better place' anyway.
"Let tomorrow worry about itself"
It's great that you have your line manager's support. You are doing really well, handling this, Willows. It may not feel like it for you, but you are.
I get that 'bubble' feeling too - it is quite scary. Call someone if it feels like it is bursting. Or post on here. You are not alone!

 *()

[willows]

home from a long day at work.held it together better than yesterday but not great. i am so tired but i know i wont sleep and i cant take a tamazapam tonight so it is going to be a long night. no one to talk to and i cant call the samaritans beacuse i have a friend who is a samaritan and I would be too scared that it would be her who answered. i dont have anyone else. dont want to burden people with my thoughts

[Michael Frankum]

Dear willows, you've done amazingly well to get through the day as you have. I have slept through most of the day, so I doubt whether I'll be sleeping very soon either. I'm sure that if you need to ring Samaritans they are trained to respect your anonymity, and it's acceptable to ask whether anyone else is available if you should recognise your friend's voice. Anyway, you must be very proud of the way you are handling things.  *() Please take care. Best wishes.

[willows]

no words can say how i feel today.  i'm done

[PaulaJo]

When next are you seeing someone, Willows? I'm sure that it will be at least some relief to see someone.
Hang in there, you are being so strong.
 *()

[Pablo]

no words can say how i feel today.  i'm done

Willows please hang in there, your doing great, and we are all here for you +-_

[willows]

Don't want to be here anymore but the guilt of what it would do to my children is getting in the way

[Sweetpea]

 %^% Willows, I really hope things improve for you.

S x x x x

[willows]

seeing someone from the mental health team tomorrow.

thank you for all your messages sorry i am no use at supporting anyone else right now

[PaulaJo]

That's alright willows, allowing us to support you and encourage you, helps us too.

I hope you are managing today; if not - keep posting. I am thinking of you and sending good vibes!

I'm glad you're seeing someone tomorrow. It will be a relief to talk to them I'm sure.

 *)*