It's all quiet....

[staralfur]

I hope that's a really good sign for everyone! 

[Buttercup]

It is very quiet thus morning.

[staralfur]

I'm not sure whether that's a good sign or not?? 

How are you doing? Are you ok today?

[Buttercup]

I know what you mean.

I'm not too bad today, having been having an ok spell lately :)  Just a bit of a cold. 

Have got a GP appointment in a minute as I'm going to run out of meds over the weekend, not too bothered, will be nice to touch base, haven't been for 5 weeks.

How are you doing today?

[staralfur]

I'm glad you are doing ok, that's good to hear!  :)

Personally I am not having a good time, it's been a difficult few days for me and I am feeling a bit lost.

A long time ago I had a quote tattooed on my back...I'm not sure why I had it tattooed, maybe it's so everyone can see I don't fit in before my personality shows them?? But it was from a quote from Brian Wilson (ex Beach Boy) and it goes 'I guess I just wasn't made for these times'

I've never felt that is more true than it is today. It was a quote in a song I heard when I was around 11, and I knew then it was true for me.

Sorry if I am spreading my gloom on your good day!! I don't mean too.

I really hope your appointment goes well at the gp, make sure you tell them everything!

[Buttercup]

Just in the waiting room will post a better reply when I get home  :)

[staralfur]

Good Luck!

[Zaf]

Just back from taking Jade to the vet

I feel the same staralfur - hope your appointment goes well Buttercup

Z xx

[Buttercup]

Hi Staralfur

well GP appointment all done and fine, I go again in a month when my meds run out.

I understand the lost feeling and to an extent I still feel that, I don't really know who I am at the moment but at the moment I'm in a more positive place and can look to reinventing myself.

I must catch up with this site, I haven't been here as much lately, just needed to get a few things ironed out in my head.  Are you on any meds etc.

I too have suffered on and off since about 11 but never sought any help until bang I had a breakdown last year and had no choice.  With hindsight at least getting help was a positive and since then its been a long slog, firstly on prozac but that didn't do a lot and then in the fall out came the big whammy that I'm bipolar.  But at least now I feel that with the mood stabilisers I am getting somewhere.

Really hope that your day improves.

[staralfur]

Hi Buttercup,

I'm really glad things have gone well for you today, and I'm really pleased for you that you are feeling positive! It must feel so invigorating to be in a position to become 'you'.

I won't put a down on your day by giving you my story! But I got to a stage where I was attempting suicide last year and since then I've had counselling and I am on Citalopram. I need to see my gp this week to get myself sorted...I'm struggling at the minute and I need a push to get me going again. Today is a day I just want to give up on....that's why I am so glad I have found this site...it's really good to be with people who understand.

Did you get to speak to a psychologist yourself....if you don't mind me asking? You don't have to answer if that is a cheeky question, I do understand.

[Buttercup]

Hi Staralfur

I don't mind you asking, I'm in a good place so it's nice to be able to help others.  I see a consultant   psychiatrist as well as my GP.  I can't take SSRI anti ds as they send me into a manic phase, which for me are a lot more scary than the depressive ones mainly because I can't control myself.  I don't get happy highs so it's a bit like being depressed but on speed, way to much energy and it's not good.  I now take mood stabilisers and always will.

I've also been there with the suicidal thinking and have been close and then I think of my children and what it would do to them, my gp calls it strong preventative factors.

Just keep thinking tomorrows another day.

[staralfur]

Hi Buttercup

At my lowest last year I was suffering depression, anxiety and paranoia...it was not a good mix. It has been since a childhood of problems, I have never seem to know my place in life, and then I met my ex wife who mentally abused me for a long time. It was then that I hit my low. My family intervened and I was voluntarily placed in a mental health ward where I went on a hunger strike. I was just messed up..

I did get so much better after speaking to a psychologist for a while, she was amazing and I used to look forward to her sessions. But now I'm on my own and it doesn't take much for me to start falling back again. This last week has been one of those times...

I liked your description of being depressed on speed! It shows how far you have come when you can joke about it! It's a very small price to pay to be on pills always just as long as it helps you..which it is.  :)

Tomorrow is a new day, and one where I will have to plan my words to the doctor. I'm just scared that I might be shipped off to hospital again.

[Buttercup]

Hi Staralfur, I have had problems since my childhood and to an extent have got free of those, nothing to the extent of what you have had to suffer.

I have come a long way and can't really remember a lot of what happened late last year, I just sort of know that it happened. 

I have never had to go into a mental health ward, It's a threat that is always there if I become very unstable.  My Psychiatrist has put in a referral for regular sessions with a psychologist, but I have to be stable first.

Hope it goes well with your doctor tomorrow.

[staralfur]

I have to be really honest Buttercup, I was terribly open about my suicide and didn't see the shock of it that others did. So when I was discussing this with the gp she didn't hesitate in mentioning the hospital...I either went voluntarily or I would be forced...that was the option.

I was terrified of that, it was a real shock to me and it was such a horrible idea. More so that the option of suicide would be removed from me. But it was a stay that was so surprisingly relaxing, it was pleasant, quiet and it gave me time to just stop. My brain could shut down and I could just stop.

And that for me was the greatest feeling in the world. I was on a hunger strike because I was still in a complete state, and, I think it was because it was the only 'choice' I could make there in regards to my existence.

So if it was mentioned to me again, I wouldn't view it with the same fear I did last year.....it would just be heartbreaking because everyone things that I am 'better'.

Do you know what Buttercup? This has been really good talking to you  :)

[Buttercup]

Thank you Staralfur  :), it's been good talking to you too  :)

I will also admit that although I have never been admitted to hospital, there have been times, mainly when I was manic earlier this year, when I would have accepted it, just to get away and not have to worry about things, to stop the mind rushing. Similar to you the thing that holds me back is what others would think! 

But for now I'm ok and I'm going to enjoy it, I do feel delicately balanced and worry that it could go either way.