hello

[0obfgo0]

hello all

i am the BFG (Big Friendly Geordie)

i jioned here looking for help and advise. but now i can post i aint actually sure were to start to be honest. i have so much going thro my head at the moment. went to the docs explain some of it and got told i have mild depretion. sort of agree with him but its been here for years. he has now put me on fluxatine. been just over 2 weeks so far. alot of wat is going on now started just before i split from my ex. its amazing how losing somthing can bring up even more memory aint it.

any way realy dont know wat to put for now i sort of did before but now its a bit confusing again.

any way chat later BFG

[lightenup]

Hi BFG a warm welcome to the forum, you will find everyone will understand what you are trying to say as we are all on the same boat.  Also I find it easier to write things down..............when I have told my doc about the my brain working so hard during the night I could write 5 books if I could dectate it, or about the feeling of something stuck in my throat permantly he just says everything is part of this depression.  Good luck

[0obfgo0]

cheers for the welcome.

i know what you mean about writing things. last time i did that when i was 16, then 3 weeks later i was told social services couldn't help me any more. basically wrote down wat i thought would happen in my future.  now i am 33 and most of wat i wrote has happened .

ffs i want to type wat i am feeling right now but dont actually know were to start with it all.

biggest thing for me at the moment is i really cant be bothered with ppl. i don't like going to work but yet i love my job. i struggle to  go out the house, i only got out the house coz i know if i dont sign in at the police staion i will go to prison again and i really don't wanna go there. i feel better after a few beers but then i feel like &$%+. i am fighting the urges to go back to drink and drugs like i have in the past it helps bury every thing and makes me feel good. but i know now for the first time in my life i am sick of hiding from it all and have to face it and stop running. the doc as i said gave me meds to start to help me. i went back the other day and just basically told him look i feel worse than wen u gave them to me.  they are putting me to get asses by a councilor yer cool but the reason i aint done it before is if i open up i think i may become a time bomb. i say this coz i know me and my head wen i get low or upset i snap at ppl sometimes with out being able to control it. for years ppl round me have said i have big problem and u need to sort it and i have always said yer ok whatever. now i can see wat they say and it realy scares the hell out of me.

 i can see a light at the end of the tunnel but its way way in the distance, i never seem to catch it.

[Lil Miss Lost]

Hiya BFG, welcome  to the forum, i admire you mate, i have also realised i have been burying my problems and although iv sought help with the depression and what i thought was causing the depression at the time, in reality i still smoke weed and drink alcohol coz its the only way i can control my moods when no one helps you. Well done you for realising you need to deal with the problem rather than disguise it, i honestly think you do need to open up to the councilor, i was also put on fluoxetine and got worse i was then changed to sertraline and was also worse, im now on diazepam for the anxiety (caused by the antidepressants) and waiting for an appointment with the councilor, for years iv always thought it was everyone else causing problems in my life but now i know its me and my mood swings are out of control.

I have decided the only way forward is to be completely honest once i get to speak to the councilor and tell her i selfmedicate because that allows me to function, a bit, since reading alot into mental illnesses and watching a programme on tv about kids with stuff going on aswell i have realised that if we were all listened to without being judged and helped to find right diagnoses and medications then probably half the people who end up in jail could be helped in some way and some of us who turn to drugs too! The good thing is it was 17 years ago when you last tried to get help and im hoping things will have advanced so they can help you realise whats wrong, iv been making notes ready for when i go to see councilor, about my emotions and how i mess my life up again and again, keep an eye on how the antidepressants go and be honest if they still dont work for you, if you feel more anxious they might be able to help you with that too, keep posting :)

[0obfgo0]

i have got to say i am glad i came across this site. because ppl understand how i feel from just my first few posts. i was startign to think there was somit screwedup with me and now i hope it just is depretion and it can be sorted.

the hole self medacating thing i did it with drugs and drink for years and am trying realy hard not to go down that road again but in the end it makes me worse in the end ok its dulls me down and calms me somtimes but then others it just makes me rage up indside then i flip out.

my latest flip out tho i was stone cold sober. and i was almost at the piont of blacking out. best way to explain it is i knew wat was going on araound me but had no control over my self. every thing starts to shadow around my eyes and i seem to focus on the person pi**ing me off the most.
  This insedent was with my ex GF. started with a sill argument over her ids and went from there. at first i just basicly said to her go away and leve me alone at this piont i got up to shut the bedroom door as i know i was aboput to flip and wannted to be on my own to calm down. then we started pushing each other dont know who started firt. she aint a small girl either. then she went down stares i shut the door and started to chil out. then she came back upstares to make the bed dotn ask me why. i just sat and ignored her then as she went out the room thats wen it started to go tits up. she owes me some money for stuf she bought for the kids so i basilcy said if you aint got the money i am taken them with me. she stood infront of me and started to push me so i pushed her then picked her up and thro her to one side so i could get past her and out the way again. then my maate picked m up and a went to his to chill.

the next day i went to collect my stuff and they wouldnt let me in so i pushed my way in her mother went to hit me so i grabbed her wrist and sort of pushed her away. as i was walking out with my stuff i just saw red and kicked the door almost taken it of its hinges but wat i didnt relise is the ex was stood directly behind t and she got it in the face.

her mother then wouldnt let me take my new tv so i put my foot thro it. at this point i just wanted to get out and away so went down to my mate van as he brought everything else down wen the police turned up. and thats that got nicked charged with x3 assault and gaining entry with violence.
 At no piont did i go there to cause any harm. 
 for about a month leading up to this tho i could feel my self sinking low again and was snapping at ppl all the time.

so because of the above i decided i need to sort it out so went to the docs he said its mild depretion and is sedning me to a counselor.

this is just one incedent of a catolouge of them. there even worse wen i have had a drink coz i dont stop. and eneded up in jail.

any way thats enough garble from em for now 

[Lil Miss Lost]

Well good luck with the councilor not sure they are going to be able to help me as never had much positive response from going to counciling when its through the doctors if this doesnt work this time though im not giving up ill find somewhere that can help and i think you should too, the drugs definetly dont do me much good so am going to quit, my mum has finally believed me that i self medicate because i do silly things if i dont but she still thinks its all down to the drugs, time to prove everyone wrong!! Just hope i dont end up screwing my life up in the process! Glad you feel people understand you now, you are not alone, til i found forums i felt like i was going crazy. Until your appointment try to relax as much as poss, if you are having problems with anxiety speak to your doctor about that, might be that you need something for that until your fluoxetine kick in and keep posting :)

[Ezel]

 ^&* been very "quiet" for a while here so apologies for not reading before now - I generally go quiet when I'm very depressed