Why do i have to wake up?

[Jess]

I know full well that when i wake up i will have to face the day.

It generally confuses me when i see others being so damn happy, how do they do it. Where is the point in doing anything, i hate going to places with people and i loathe sociallising.
My dad wanted to take me out with my siblings but i don't enjoy leaving the house.

To make matters worse i basically had an emotional breakdown the other day; but this time i wasn't alone i had an audience.... .... my family. I haven't spoken about it but i was shocked at myself. I was in tears for over an hour, i felt so stupid, i still do. I can usually bottle everything up then write it down in a book which my family are unaware of. I can't stand the fact that i wallow in self misery when others chat and play. Whats rather pathetic is that im upstairs telling you about how i hate being alone and generally being me whilst my family are downstairs watching T.V.

My mask is slipping and i can't catch it

Tell me that everything gets better, tell me that im not alone because i can't see the light and the end of this tunnel.......

[JohnGalt]

Hi Jess,

Your post really touched me when I read it! I never thought of it that way: why do I have to wake up to face another whole day!

I also look at other people and get annoyed at how "happy" they are but I have learnt that people do wear so called masks in their day to day lives (don't believe everything you see). You be amazed at the problems people have when you talk to them a bit in private. I have worked with this girl in my current job for 3 years and always thought she was happy until she asked me out to coffee once and told me how much she hated her job and that her Mom beat her as a kid.

I also can't stand socialising right now. I have never been an overly social outgoing person but in the past I used to at least make an effort to go out with friends and people I liked. Nowadays I VERY rarely go out. Hell, I barely even leave the house anymore unless its to go to work.

Don't feel stupid for having a breakdown. Its a good release. I had the same thing happen to me once in front of my parents. I'm also like you in that I bottle everything up until it gets too much and then I breakdown. Talking about it to someone you can trust does help. If I hadn't been booked into therapy years ago when I was in a REALLY dark place I doubt I would be here today. I used to be so bad that even breathing was an effort for me.

You are defintely not alone. I can relate to everything you are saying. I have just about given up too but somehow I manage to yank myself out of bed and do another day. It aint easy. I really REALLY battle. I only had one friend left and I told him to go to hell about 6 months ago (long story why) so for about 6 months I have just been going to work and coming home everyday. At lunchtime I am alone and come home so I have kind of become used to being alone. When this girl I work with started asking me out to coffee it was great the first couple times and then I really started taking strain. I found it hard listening to her talk about things and found it was upsetting me. Its so silly cause I really enjoy her company and talking to her but now I just want her to go away. I DONT UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL!

Hope you'll talk some more here as I enjoyed reading your post. It helps me to read other peoples experiences with depression and I hope mine will help you.

Am thinking of you.

[lightenup]

Hi Jess

As John has hit the nail on the head, you feel your mask is slipping.  Sometimes I really know that this is my problem all since last year my mask has slipped although only the chosen few know about.  Hubby, 2 x sons, and best friend and Dr. 

All my life although the youngest of the family I was sent to deal with everyone's problems,  I had a elder sister who was married and had 3 sons, the rest of my siblings were 5 brother's from a very young age I was teased if I cried by the boys.  Except my eldest brother who looked after me and loved me so so much.  We cried at each other wedding days, my brother was blown up 20 years ago..........I never cried.  My second eldest brother was killed 3 years later, and I had to break the news to my parents as I was the strongest and wouldn't cry, another brother ran away rather than face my parents with the news.  My Sister always suffered from depression after having her kids and I was always sent to look after them, even though I was a child myself.  From no age my mother was always sick, and I was left to do all the housework cleaning etc.  My husband who was my next door neightbour described me as being a slave.  In a way he saved me from taking my life in a way with his love. 

My sister lost her life to cancer last year and I was made redundant 3 weeks later the anger I feel now is unbelievable toward the company as I worked 14 hour days away from home and should have spent more time with her in the good days towards the end.

It angers me tha yes my masked has slipped and I cannot cope.  Sorry for venting more of you know my story than anyone else.  But I hope it helps to write it down and speak to others who understand.     

[Lil Miss Lost]

I know what you mean Jess, i believe i have crashed into depression this time because i was having to put the mask on and please everybody and pretend everything was ok, all that time i wondered how other people could be so happy until in the end i got so fed up of not feeling normal and trying to act like everythings ok that iv sunk into a deeper depression than iv ever had i think,

I have breakdowns in public all the time, last one was at my daughters school when i was dropping her off in the morning, so embarrassing but i really dont care what anyone else thinks now, iv stopped feeling guilty and making excuses when people invite me out, i just say im not feeling well at the moment sorry, and if they ask why then im going to tell them, those who dont understand me can get out of my life, im not behaving how everyone else wants me to behave anymore!

At the moment whenever i feel crazy or down i come on the internet and find people who feel like me so i realise that some people do understand, i think til you see the light at the end of the tunnel thats all u can do, hope things get easier x