Never felt THIS low before

[JohnGalt]

Hi Everyone

Glad I came across this forum.

Where to begin. The last 6 months has probably been THE lowest I have ever felt in my life. I have never felt so lonely, sad, angry, upset, pissed off, helpless, useless and uninterested in everything in my whole life. Its become so bad lately that I dont even leave the flat (I hate to admit it but I am a recluse). I just cant handle being around people anymore and have pretty much lost all my friends. I have nothing to do on the weekend and dread them. Occassionally someone at work asks me to some social event but I always have some lame excuse. Last year I had to go to you Xmas party and after the meal everyone went to some club. I walked into the club and (on purpose) got separated from the group and then snuck outside and walked home without telling anyone (no one even noticed I was gone and didn't even say anything the following week).

To make my life even worse I had to tell my "best" friend to piss off for good after I found out that he had screwed me badly on a project at work (we work together). I had gotten the blame for his incompetence. A 20 year friendship gone. He was my last friend that I spent any time with. And yes, I did try to discuss it with him unsuccessfully. I have had one or two people ask me out to lunch during the week but I am finding it REALLY hard to make new friends and find myself extremely moody so one day I am so happy to be talking to them and then the next day I will ignore them or be really off towards them. Whenever I have a small chance to make a new friend I purposley blow it and end up being lonely again.

I dont think I have ever been this lonely before, its driving me mad. I dont even want to take holidays anymore as it means I have to sit at home all day. I have no energy to do anything I enjoy anymore (I have felt this way for 4yrs now).

I have tried therapy for 3 years, anti depressants, excercise, been to a psychiatrist, heavy music and while all have made some difference, I am right back to square one and feeling the lowest I have ever felt. I just cant seem to help myself and I seem to be in this self destruct path which I cant stop. I have emailed the Samaritans a few times but didn't find that they were giving me what I needed to get through this awful lowness I am experiencing. I am trying to get back into therapy and plan on phoning someone in the next couple weeks.

I really cant go on feeling like this is, its driving me mad. I feel so helpless. Please can someone help me!!!  $%^ I hate my life and can't go on like this for much longer.

[lightenup]

Hi John, the one thing about this forum is that you are not unique to this problem.  Most of us all in our own we boats trying to paddle to keep afloat.
My husband doesn't really understand, he tries his best, but I think he sees some of the signs not when I really hit the floor.  We have also hidden my problem from the rest of the family except our 2 sons (they live away) and best friend. 

As I'm on a real downer, I just want to be on my own, the elation I had yesterday when my friend rang to say she was unable to visit today, i was able to decline visiting her. Hurray.........................

I have always been full of fun don''t know where i'm going now or if I will ever get to break free and be me again.  At least you have written on here and maybe it helps to vent a little, and maybe a lot of people just reading our posts maybe it helps them in some way.  Keep posting and big hugs

[Lil Miss Lost]

Hey John, i feel the same at the moment i have pushed most of my good friends away aswell, last year i pushed my 2 best friends away as i felt like they put so much pressure on me and like you one day i would be happy and the next moody. Definitely try and get some help again, as for the loneliness on my bad days i just want to be alone anyway but on my good days i listen to a few internet radio stations and have a chat with people on there or post on here, hopefully you can find something that helps you and til then keep posting on here i think talking does help  +=-

[JohnGalt]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I just don't get the point of my life!!! I am miserable all day every day. I am SO lonely right now that its driving me crazy. Why bother? I used to be so driven and I used to achieve all my goals. Now I just couldn't be bothered.

The last week or two some people from work have (unexpectedly) asked me out for lunch. Now you'd think that for a lonely depressed guy like me that would be great news? Wrong! I felt so miserable afterwards as I realised just how pathetic and sad I was when people tell me about their life. I cringe everytime someone asks me what I did on the weekend as I just don't have anything to tell them. The guy that asked me out to lunch is leaving the company as he resigned and he asked me to his farewell party (which I was going to avoid). Now I feel all pressured and uncomfortable as it means I need to be in a public social setting and I know I'll end up getting upset. It happened at our Xmas party last year. Somethings happened which upset for me weeks after that. I was so angry that I forced myself to get separated from the work group at the club we all went to just so I could go home (no one even noticed that I had left unannounced!).

The problem is I just can't help myself. No matter how hard I try I always sink waaaay back down into myself. I am so self absorbed sometimes (not intentionally) that I can't even see whats going on around me. I just wish I could wake up from this permanent nightmare sometimes. I wish I wasn't so bloody sensitive too. I know it sounds lame to be so sensitive for a guy but I can't help it, I don't choose to be sensitive, I just am.

Sorry for the long moan. I feel angry/upset and pissed off right now.

[lightenup]

Hi John, I know how you feel, I was only diagnosed with Depression in October but have been ill for nearly a year.  I have been made redundant from a very high powered jobs, working 12 14 hour days living on my wits etc.  Now I feel I am an empty shell, and I wish people would just leave me alone. Frankly my husband is wonderful, but what goes through my head is unbelievable and very frightening.

Christmas was a bad time for me, and I relented that my husband would tell our two sons of my problems.  I had been slapping on a persona too cover my shame of this crappy illness.  The anxiety was awful, but the boys helped me terribly and probably the  &^% was good to get through the strain.  Sometimes my best friend asks us to go for a meal at a brief notice, I panic awfully but my husband pushes me, maybe I am lucky I feel I can hide behind him.

I am on a real downer at the moment.  My Gp tells me I am trying to hard to analyse why this has happened to me.  But I must believe there is a way out.  The forum is a place for me to vent.  I just wish that maybe some previous poster have got better would just come on and give us more positive points.

Keep talking and try to make a way out, I think there is a lot of people out there who have been in the same boat as us.   

[JohnGalt]

Hi lightenup

I have been depressed since I left high school. After years of therapy (which did help me a bit to pull me out of a very dark place) I was dignosed as "clinically depressed". Funny, I am in a high pressure job with lots of stress too. I love what I do but hate the company I work at. I can't even move jobs because I am a sponsored immigrant so I am well and truely screwed. Luckily I "only" have a year to go before I can leave but believe me, its like Chinese water torture this. I REALLY battle to drag myself to the office every day and because I consult I have to deal with people all day every day which is extremely difficult when you are feeling so low and don't want to be around people.

I know how you feel when you say you are anxious. You are lucky (I guess?) to be able to hide behind your husband. I am single and am pretty much on my own. The few times I do go out I am almost always the only single person (which makes me very uncomfortable). I often wonder if I'll ever be able to find someone that I can spend my life with or if I'll be this sad single lonely guy forever. It really scares me.

I don't know anymore. I am like a walking shell. Just an empty body. I just hate this way if living/feeling so much.

[JohnGalt]

Well today I felt extra fragile. I got moaned and bitched at by my (horrible evil) boss. It was over something so trivial. He slammed the phone down on me while I was half way through a sentence. I felt awful afterwards. I immediately started thinking the worse: Am I going to be screamed at when I return to the office? Am I going to be fired? He's screamed at me before (I think he is bipolar) and I was in tears afterwards in the toilets. I didn't know people could act this way. When I returned to the office after he slammed the phone down on me I had my phone ready to record any conversation so I could use it as proof if I had to lodge a formal complaint.

Aargh, I just feel terribe right now and want to hide away forever so I don't have to deal with these terrible people ever again. 

[chrisdude777]

Hey John,
I've been feeling the same way as you. My lifes been a bit of a mess. It's a hard one to get out of. It's always easier said than done. Try hypnotherapy, if I need a kick start, that usually helps me. Just look in your phone book.

[JohnGalt]

Hey John,
I've been feeling the same way as you. My lifes been a bit of a mess. It's a hard one to get out of. It's always easier said than done. Try hypnotherapy, if I need a kick start, that usually helps me. Just look in your phone book.

I signed up for 10 sessions of that about a year or more ago and after 3 sessions the guy left my area for "family reasons". Since then I haven't bothered. I did try to book myself in for an assessment at a psychiatrist (I was feeling so bloody awful that week) and was told that they were full. Sigh.

[chrisdude777]

Don't give in John, you get lots of hypnotherapists. Give it another shot.

[JohnGalt]

Don't give in John, you get lots of hypnotherapists. Give it another shot.

Am barely hanging in there. Its been 7 months since giving my best friend of 20 years the boot. I **HATE** working him after telling him to take a hike (actually I never liked working with him). I hate my job, REALLY hate it. It is really taking its toll on me all this. I just want to be alone ALL the time as when I am with people (outside of a work setting) I just find myself getting all moody, akward and uncomfortable when socialising. I feel depressed when people talk about their families and their social life when I know I have nothing like that in my life. In the last month this girl I work with has asked me out to coffee/lunch a few times and when she did I was so happy but by the 3rd coffee I found myself annoyed and wanting to be left alone again. Luckily she went away on holiday for a week so I have been able to be by myself again to calm down and think things through.

Aargh, none of this makes sense to me. I'm lonely and yet when someone shows any interest in my and I get to know them then I push them away. Man, I am screwed in the head.

[JohnGalt]

Well I had another really bad week! I seemed to "crash" this week and was extremely depressed, miserable and unhappy the entire week. I feel really bad now as the girl I am friends with at work I mostly ignored. She asked me out to lunch but then I cancelled at the last minute (I just couldn't be around someone feeling so awful). My parents dragged me out to a reservoir this weekend (it was great weather) just to get me out and that has helped my mood but I now feel really bad that I ignored her at work and cancelled lunch. I always do this, as soon as I get friendly with someone and they start getting to know me I get all weird about it and start avoiding them! Can someone explain this? I really dont wanna screw up another relationship as I am pretty lonely right now and friendless. I just wish I could control these massive mood swings, I just cant stop them or help myself.  $%^