Please i need advise with my wife suffering from depression

[chiefpeak]

Hi there,
Ive joined this group to seek help.
My wife is suffering with depression and its effecting her mood grately. She is being supported by a GP and a mental health team. She is suffering from a very low mood with has suicidal thoughts. All of which my wife has told me.
She is currently off work due to not being able to physically do her job.
I am being there physically for my wife in everyway possible but mentally, i feel useless. My wife tries to tell me things but says she cannot get them out into words. I feel that she is sleeping away and i have cannot stop her mood from dropping. Im trying to raise her mood and many ways, but this i failing.
She's struggles to get out of bed on a daily basis, i am helping with this by trying to do as much with our kids as i can. Hoping this takes some pressure off.

She has recently (about 5 weeks i believe) moved onto prozak and my wife has told me that her mood is the same as when this all came to late back in january, if not worse.

I will give more details at some point. But my main thought for logging on here, is to try and reach out for help and advise as to what i can do to help my wife who i love dearly, i feel like she is slipping away from me. She recently said, she can only see one way out. I want to help her move away from that place. Im fully aware that this is not easily fixed and takes time, but i feel hopeless in helping mentally.

Please someone help me who has experiance with this.

[Zaf]

Depression is a cruel illness chiefpeak, both for those of us that suffer from it and those of you that support us when we have it.

Helping with the kids will be a huge help, telling her you are there for her but leaving her alone when she needs it will also help a lot, I'm sure there are lots of other things but I cant think of them at the moment.

Wishing you both well

Z xx

[KateG]

Hi and welcome.

I think it's really lovely of you to look for help. I know I'm guilty of forgetting how tough my depression is on those around me.

I agree with what Zaf said, be there when she needs you, give her space when she needs it, listen when she feels able to talk, hold her when she can't do anything but cry. Try not to overanalyse everything she says, or panic so much that she's scared to tell you things. Don't get exasperated, don't tell her to snap out of it or pull herself together. She will have good days, she will have bad days, just be there for her throughout.

&*(

Kate x

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome, I really feel for you.  I know its difficult for our loved ones to know what to do for the best.  Depression is an awful illness and it takes so much of our lives from us.

I agree with what has already been said already.  My hubby has been great and I know it must have been so hard for him.  One thing I did appreciate is that he kept things as normal as possible, if I needed to disappear upstairs to be on my own he would just not say anything and just act normally.  One thing I felt and still feel is guilt for being ill and hurting and worrying my family.  So by being there when I needed comfort, coming to appointments with me and carrying on with life, did a bit to dispell some of the guilt.

Hope you can understand what I am trying to say.

S x x

[mamalou]

Hi, You sound a lot like my husband. He is great at trying to keep the daily routine for our 3 children but I know it's hard for him. He is exhausted with it all to be honest. And I can't really be there for him.

I find that it is really difficult to know what it is that I need. And get tongue tied trying to tell him what it is that I am thinking 

I am sure you are doing a fantastic job.  :)

Mamalou

[chiefpeak]

Hello again!

Thankyou so much for all your replies.

Im glad what i am doing may be helping her. Has anyone taken any prozak? How long does it normally take to have an effect or indeed, does it have an effect at all? Im not sure if it is the prozak or depression itself, but my wife wants to sleep a lot of the time and has bouts of uncontrollable tiredness. Has anyone experianced this?

Are there any type of distraction techniques(?) that you  can suggest that i can try and use to help my wife? Any ideas would be welcome both physical and mental and something material (ie books or hobbies). I do believe one of the problems is because my wife does not have any hobbie of sort, so if i could find something for her, it may be a little bit of help.

Would any of you mind telling me what helps to raise your mood or has done in the past? I know my wife has asked to try and arrange things to do during the week to try and give her someone to focus on. So, we are trying to do that the best we can.

Thankyou again.

[Zaf]

I have taken prozac in the ast, from memory it tok 4-5 weks to become effective, your wife's doctor may need to increase the dose or change her meds if there is no effect after that time.  It worked for me on and off for about 5 years then started to lise effectiveness so I'm now on citralopram

Tiredness, in fact total exhaustion, is very normal with depression I'm afraid   until your wife feels a little better she may find new hobbies, or in fact any hobbies too taxing, at my worst I cant even concentrate on reading (normally I can get through a good book in 2-3 days), I found audio books helped me and watching lighthearted DVD's that were easy to follow too (daft childrens ones a lot of the time like some of the Disney productions) but we are all different.  I would suggest not pushing activities and hobbies at this stage or our wife may feel overwhelmed but to suggest and leave it up to her if she wants to do them.

Things that help me are gentle gardening in the sunshine, gentle walking in the sunshine, needlework, painting and drawing, watching birds on the feeders, talking to people who know how depression affects us and occasionally cooking

Your wife is incredibly lucky to have someone who supports her so much

Z xxx

[Sweetpea]

I have never taken Prozac but all anti-depressants do take a few weeks to work.  The improvement is slow and gradual, well thats what I have found.  I know I wanted them to work like a pain killer, but of course they don't.

When I was bad I would find doing anything so much effort, even getting out of bed seemed like trying to climb a mountain.  Someone once told me its baby steps, the way I dealt with it was to not try to look to far ahead and not to give myself pressure to do anything.  It has taken me a long time but I try not to fight it now and rest.  Before I would try and do too much and my body was telling me to rest.  Sometimes my hubby or family would just take me for a drive in the car, not getting out but just sitting somewhere and then coming home, that meant at least I got out.

I am sure your wife is having regual visits to her gp and he/she is keeping an eye on her progress.  Why I ask this is that not all anti-depressants work for each of us and if Prozac doesn't work maybe your gp would try another.

 &*( for you both

S x x

[chiefpeak]

Hi there,

Thankyou.

I think the small steps at a time is a great idea which i will suggest to my wife.

She is getting support from her GP but only when she goes to see him. A mental health team is supposed to be supporting but we have not heard much or anything past the 1st consultation (forgive my spelling).

I will cal my wife S from now on to make things easier. S as thoughts of not wanting to go out but not wanting to waste the day sitting around. So its a hard for her to make a decision. I wish i could truly understand what her thoughts and feelings are to i could help.


Another question if you do not mind? S is having a lot of blasts from the past with thoughts from years ago, not horrible thoughts just random things from years ago that she does not normally think of. Anyone experianced this?

Thankyou

[Sweetpea]

Absolutly yes, depression can make us think of things from the past, I can only tend to think of negative things when I am bad.  If you are not happy about how often your wife is being seen, maybe ring and request an appointment.  If only to put your mind at rest.  Has S thought og counselling?  I did mine through MIND and it was so good and helped me so much.  MIND is a great organisation (you can find your local centre by using your search engine)  they also run courses and offer a lot of help and support.

Take care

S x x

[Zaf]

I can identify with the feelings of not wanting to go out but feeling the need to do something, but often not feeling capable of concentrating or doing much which is very frustrating.

Thinking of the past seems quite common and as shaz says its often only bad things in my case too.  Definitely get more frequent appointments for S if she feels the need.

Z xxx

PS if you would like access to a more private part of the forum please pm me and I'll sort it out

[Char]

Hi chiefpeak

I think it is wonderful that you are so supportive of your wife and I am sure she really appreciates everything that you do. Unfortunately depression is so different in everyone so there are no real right or wrong answers when it comes to dealing with it. I find this forum so helpful and is the best thing I have done since being diagnosed with depressionm myself. Does S read this forum? I know my partner finds it helpful to read this forum as well as me because others seem to be able to put it into words so much better than me and explain what I am feeling. It also helps him and me to know there are others who understand and are so caring and supportive.

You mentioned your wife struggles to go out but also hates wasting the day away. I feel exactly like that. Some days I only move from my bed to the sofa with a blanket - I can't even open the curtains for fear of whats outside. I hate the thought that life is going on when all I want is for the world to stop so I can take a break without guilt or worries. I started a scrapbook a couple of years ago of me and my partners life together - I found this really helpful as I could take it or leave it. When I felt able to work on the scrapbook it made me feel positive as I was looking at my relationship - something worth living for and the good times - and I felt I had achieved something that day. If I was having a bad day sometimes I would just look through the scrapbook to remind myself why I am fighting this. It also got me out of the house every so often when I was able to to buy the supplies and fresh air always does you good but I find I need to real reason to go out otherwise I just won't leave the house. Perhaps this is something your wife might enjoy as a hobby and also as part of her therapy?

Char

[chiefpeak]

Thanx Zaf,

What is the differance with the more private forums? Just out of curiosity.

Luckily she has a good GP who knows sinead well and he can tell how she is doing just by looking at her. S does not like sharing her feelings and keeps them to herself. Luckily, i can tell how she is just by looking at her or hearing her voice. She finds it very hard to open up to anyone, even me!

Are there any ways of helping S with positive thoughts? I know its not easy, but ideas are welcome. There is a lot going on at the moment which is not helping. I lost my job in Jan and S was told last weeks that here will not be a job for her come august even tho she is not in work at the moment. So she feels under a lot of pressure. At the same time, i need to get a new job, but as she said, she pertified about me going back to work and leaving her. I do not want to leave her at all. But a time will come where i will have no choice. That combined with debt is enough to make anyone feel down.

Thanx guys for the help you are giving me. I did start looking at websites for depression and reading but found it all too over whelming and the sites were not giving me the answers that i needed. So im glad ive found this and talk to people who have or are experiacing this.

Thankyou

Chiefpeak

[Zaf]

I know the feeling of not having the curtains open only too well Char, I can gauge the depth of my depression according to how bad my agorophobia is

Its an area the general public dont have access to chiefpeak, some members prefer the extra privacy and its accessible on request.

Try this site, I found it very helpful, there is also a little book of the same name if you want to read a bit more about it

Z xx

[Zaf]

Oops forgot the link!

http://www.familyhealthguide.co.uk/depressive-illness-the-curse-of-the-strong.html