Having tried the new medication Risperidone i feel different, at first it made me so sluggish and tired i almost gave up, but after a wekk it some how managed to lift the fog i was in, almost like living in Angela's Ashes then moving into a green field.
It also acted like a truth syrum for me allowing me to express what i wanted with out becoming Angry and upset, a realization came 2 fold.
1. the depression was indeed pushing me forward to become better physically and with each set back after trying i became more depressed.
2, the medication gave my head space to re-evaluate where i was with out clouding my thoughts and learn to say NO and still feel good about myself,
( i had in fact learned to say no when i was working but the bully twisted everything and made it impossible to set my own speed of work and how i achieved each job )
Anger and resentment had built up inside me after trying recklessly and for some time abusing my medication to achieve what I thought would allow me to return to work, but in my heart of hearts i knew that with the manager still in place the twisting would continue, i could not return to my old job as a HGV driver because of my condition and medication, but another appointment could have filled a gap.
The depression was not allowing one ounce of acceptance of my philosophical/physical condition although the pain is real my back had some re-leaf form the fentynol just my legs bore the brunt of the pain. the medication has some what balanced my perception of what i can and can not do,
My other medication Daizapam also helps keep the wolf from the door although dark moment s return with the medication and without the outside ridiculous pressures of that bastard manager put on me i can just about cope. i want to stay on both my medication's till i can allow myself to be finally free but that goal i may never reach, i want to be careful i don't substitute one method of physically trying to be free, to another mental method of trying to be free, this is all about acceptance me accepting what i can do i what i can not.
I know from experiences the real world of understanding and compassion is in very short supply but after what i went through with no obvious real end from my team leader there are ways to twist one's power to destroy some one, anyone can pull some one apart it's putting them back together that's the hard part.
I will never trust anyone in leadership again i trust very few people indeed but i know with out this medication i would be back to square one. there's is no good in the world of power crazy jealous dictators like the team leader i had, it was his way or noway at the expense of others, well me.
So to end on a good note for the time being i am feeling a lot better, but i know the wolf is never far away and being allowed to explore this new world to me is daunting to say the least i have to begin again like a youngster to learn to trust and live in a believable world so that i can be helped, hopefully CBT will be on the cards i have had 16 back to back weekly sessions and hope i am making progress, and hopefully with identifying my triggers which have been implanted by this individual i can slowly begin to extract them and breath again.
Many thanks all not so Lost Rolex
