Hi there - I'm new to this so be gentle with me! I am not however new to the feelings I am currently experiencing although they do seem to have taken on a new level of severity. I know that it is all based around a lack of success regarding my career and my general inability to make a decent living. This I'm sure is very common and is a fine line between good old fashioned worry/regret the real deal, but I just never imagined I could feel as bad as I do at the moment. I have a fantastic wife, but I feel guilty about letting her down and also a nine year daughter I absolutely adore, but again feel I am not doing my duty there. Without them - well don't go there - but that said if I was alone I would probably be less self aware and just be a lonely old loser who didn't realise quite what a state things were in. I am however very aware and it's making me ill to be frank. I have in the past being around dynamic, succesful people, but they've all left me behind. I'm not in financial trouble, there are no bailiffs in sight just yet, but things are far from ideal. I work from home which has been reasonable over the years and a good way to see a lot of my daughter, but it's pretty much finished now and I think your child should see you with a 'proper' job, but without giving all the details, there is little hope of that. The best I could hope for if I'm lucky is a low paid, menial job which I would spend every waking hour being ashamed of. I just know I will spiral if I don't get anything, but likewise if I do. There seems to be no way out. The worst thing is I have had countless opportunities over the years (I'm 44 now) starting with a reasonable school but have blown them all, through the inherent negativity I feel about everything. I'm becoming impossible to be with, I have few friends now, my natural family are supportive but I'm ashamed to talk to them in any real detail. I have felt negative, anxious, empty, unfulfilled and generally disappointed with myself and everything else for longer than I care to remember - so long in fact I realize now it has worn me down and down, even my body language says it now and I currently can't even face getting my hair cut!. However, it is not easing, just getting more and more acute every waking day, I don't like going to bed now as it means another dreadful day ahead. I have tried Anti-depressants but nothing changes. In short - does this sound familiar to anyone and how did you get through if you ever did. I am a rational, sensible chap who although inherently negative, usually does figure things out - but I just cannot, cannot, cannot see a way out of this. I spend most of my time looking back at happier times (I know most middle-aged folk do to a degree) instead of looking ahead, which is also making things worse. I feel paralysed. I guess like most of us I just want to share it rather than seek a solution. Is that OK?
