Hi. I came across this forum and thought I would join and see what others think. I have been unhappy. I thought it was 'just' being lacking in confidence and self-esteem, needing to learn assertiveness, but since going on various assertiveness courses, if anything, I feel worse. I don't seem to have been able to put the learning into practice. Two friends have suggested I may have depression, although I said I didn't think so and just lack confidence etc., I am now wondering if they are right. I didn't want to admit it - don't want to be a drain and feel I need to put a brave face on things, but really, feel very miserable. I don't feel I have ever been really honest with anyone. So this is hard to write - I don't do this.
I feel I can be a pain to have around. I tend to take things personally. I said I lack assertiveness; I tend to let things go at the time that I feel are a put-down, treating me with disrespect etc. and then the resentment builds up, so I make sarcastic remarks or withdraw. I have never liked confrontation. Sometimes though things come out and I get really angry, and it's not even about just that thing, it's all the anger that has built up that comes out, if that makes sense?
I am tired all the time and cannot get up in the mornings. I've never been a morning person but could get in to work at standard time. I have never had loads of energy but now feel more and more tired. I started a new job which I really wanted and is my first real job (although I'm 28, bummed around before then, I said I lack self-esteem) - which I moved to the city I am in for, nearly 2 years ago and this started maybe a year and a half ago. I would sometimes not get into work until 11 or 12. My boss, needless to say, did not like this and despite many informal 'chats' I didn't improve. I did try. I was given a warning and we agreed I would be in by 11, which I did stick to. Any earlier felt impossible though. We do have flexitime with in theory no core hours at all, but obviously that late is not ideal.
I could force myself to get in earlier, and have done when there have been very busy times, but ended up so exhausted by it, as well as stressed, I was tearful and would hide in the toilets at work to cry. The thing is, I had left work until the last minute - I thought I was just a bad planner and disorganised (which to be honest I am) but felt overwhelmed by the work and tired all the time, so wasn't that productive. I am also very hard on myself and perfectionist, so I take too long to do work tasks.
Due to getting in at 11 - 12 I had to work until 7 - 8, it got later and later and that began to feel normal. I felt guilty that I wasn't productive, but also resentful that I didn't have an evening, as I wouldn't get home until 8-9. To be honest, I was taking a lot of things personally. See, the culture at my work is very male-dominated and laddish, and I do not fit in, hence the need to learn assertiveness etc. as you are just not taken seriously being more co-operative and feminine.
I felt unpopular at work and I don't have the energy to go into it, but pretty much every day at work I would feel someone had patronised me or put me down, really don't know if I was being over-sensitive or not.
I developed this jokey, cheerful, girl but also tough and not caring what people think of me persona, who is not me and is fake, but if I let myself be down I would be so down. I suppose I feel people would not like the real me.
So most evenings I would be wound up by having had to act that way, or upset by something someone had done, and add that to just not getting home until so late and so not winding down, I wouldn't feel tired until 12 or 1 at night and often didn't sleep well, hence then not getting up on time, and the cycle went on. I just felt guilty, and that everyone perceived me as lazy for getting in so late.
My boss at the time was well-meaning but fit into this culture and so I felt quite domineering although in a nice way (if that makes sense) and although we had and still have a good relationship, are even friends, I swallowed a lot of anger and resentment I felt with her; as a manager she was over-critical, talked over and for me, over-explained making me feel I was incompetent, etc. and I felt I couldn't tell her as it would ruin the relationship. I tried to tell her (she knew I had been working on assertiveness) but couldn't and just talked around it, several times. I now feel I was a drain on her and she is fed up with me and no longer likes me. In addition to normal performance reviews, I had maybe 4 or 5 talks with her (about assertiveness and communication, my general career and development and so on). I think I just needed someone to talk to and maybe vented.
I moved to a new post in the same organisation and thought it would be a new start. The lateness continued and new boss was also not happy. I went to the GP and have an underactive thyroid, which may explain the tiredness, and have told her this, quite recently. She was understanding, really nice actually, and we do get on - but now she will expect me to be back to normal, and I don't know how. I also feel overwhelmed again by work and as if I will never get everything done. I will, but I feel like, what is it...a swan seems to be gliding but under the water is furiously swimming away...I feel about to drown.
I spend more time at work worrying that someone has said something and does not like me or does not take me seriously, than working, on bad days, or on even worse days, am so exhausted I can barely drag myself in to work and sit on the Internet - I only really wake up about 4 or 5 pm after a lot of coffee, and want to work when most people in the office are winding down for the day and about to go home (then go home, and sit on the Internet until 12 or 1 instead of getting some sleep...gah).
I don't know how to be different to make people at work treat me with respect, because as I said I have this pattern of being happy and almost hyper but a bit girlie, I make a joke of being a flake so no-one wonders why things aren't done or I get in late and then wonder why I'm not taken seriously and going places. I am ambitious to progress in my career, and I could do so much more, but then I can barely cope with my job as it is.
I just feel I have swallowed so much anger with almost everyone - family, friends, colleagues - due to being unassertive and wanting to be seen as nice. Whenever I have expressed, however I try to do it, that I would like someone to behave differently or was upset by something they said or did, they say I am overreacting and taking it too personally.
So 90% of the time I say nothing and it builds up. I may be sensitive but surely it is normal to want to be treated with respect as a human being? I think people think they can take advantage as I am quite girlie and as I said, not assertive. I mean I'm not a total fluffy pink type but I think I do give the impression of just not being very strong or assertive. But inside I am assertive. I mean, I do have boundaries. For example, I hate people I don't know touching me, and yet everyone seems to feel free to, the patronising head pat or back pat, or a shoulder tap or push instead of saying 'excuse me' ... I wish people I don't know wouldn't call me 'darling' and 'love' etc. and they do. (To be clear. Yes, I do mind these things but I realise it isn't the end of the world. I just wish people wouldn't. It's not the only thing that bugs me, but 1000 pinpricks is worse etc.)
So no wonder people think they can get away with treating me like dirt. I wish I could come across as assertive, then people wouldn't even mess with me in the first place and might actually take me seriously and I wouldn't have anything to worry about.
My mother was passive aggressive and critical, to be honest, I never felt my family liked me.
I may overreact but as I said it isn't about just that incident, it is about everything. I am a nice person, and feel awful if I blow up at people out of all proportion to the incident, and have a confrontation...this has happened with most people in the past...have not done so much for a year or 2 as it was so exhausting. I just let things go now. Maybe I am a horrible person and horrible to have around. I certainly cannot be much fun. If I am not trying too hard to be entertaining I am just flat and boring, or complaining and moaning, or snappy.
I try not to do these things, but... I am very angry, a lot of the time. I will on occasion randomly be really rude to someone I won't have to see again like a shop assistant, when with friends and family I'm very nice and polite to them, and if I'm alone, 90% of the time I am, but sometimes I just snap at them for some tiny thing just to let some of it out. I mean, I have *shouted* at them. That is...wrong...isn't it?
I think I do worry about things too much and take things too much to heart, but... I think I am just so tired...I get hyper in an attempt to compensate for that, or because I feel nervous when out socially with people I don't know well (and even those I do)...I say stupid things which I wouldn't if I felt better, so wouldn't have to worry about! I certainly focus too much on negative things, though. You can guarantee I remember the one negative interaction, out of a whole evening out with friends, and then all the issues I have ever had with that person and decide that person hates me, for example.
I feel all I do is work, no evening - I just watch TV or surf the Internet - and that is all I do at the weekend, too. I haven't made that many friends here, try to socialise with people from work but as I said don't fit in with the laddish culture, the guys say sexist things and if I object, I am seen as the one who is being argumentative, if I don't, yet more swallowed resentment...
I can't be bothered to do things with the friends I do have... just normal things like paying bills, cleaning my home and cleaning myself sometimes feel like so much effort. (I do them, ish, but always feel I should do better). My flat is not great - I don't like it, but lack the energy to move. I eat junk (cooking is too much effort when you get in at 9...) and do not exercise. I never have enough money although I should be fine, I just cannot budget. I buy clothes on payday in an attempt to cheer myself up and then have no money at the end of the month, as in £10 for a week until payday. So that is stressful.
As well as being tired, low, worrying etc. I have had migraines and caught every cold and bug going. I feel the worry and tension in my muscles and stomach.
I thought I would feel better when on medication for the thyroid problem, as low thyroid function does cause tiredness and low mood, but...several months later, I don't.
I have been trying to get myself together for so long, feeling if only I could make the effort I would feel better and be OK, but...it doesn't happen. I try exercising and eating better, being organised, affirmations, meditation, I will be really good for a week and then it just slips...and I feel worthless.
I don't want to continue this way and don't know how to change. I have tried and I feel it has just been too hard. It all feels too overwhelming.
So if anyone is still reading after that essay... what do you suggest?
Do you think my feelings are actually fairly normal and I just need to get on with it, or could I be depressed?
To be honest, I am just away from family, most of my friends and feel alone. I have gathered that if I go to the GP, they would only prescribe medication which I don't want, and there is a horribly long waiting list for any kind of counselling which I feel might help.
I feel bad moaning when some people have far worse problems, and I am functioning, but I feel only just at the moment...I am just so miserable. I know I should just do something for other people.
