Just Want Some Opinions Please...

[MummyOf2]

I just need to say some of this stuff so i can see what it looks like an someone can give me an opinion on it hopefully?
I have recently been diagnosed by my doctor with depression, but i know i have had this for years as was diagnosed with depression at 17 also (im 22 now), and am awaiting treatment from a mental health professional, but i feel as though things get out of control more when i dont talk about them.
I am a mum of two children aged 5 and 2, one of which i had at 16, and live with my boyfriend of 3 years who i believe has (or has some traits of) narcissistic personality disorder.
I feel partiularly crummy today so am trying to do a bit of analysis on myself. Here are the results of the personality disorder test firstly:-

Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

I do not agree with histrionic and narcissistic being high and moderate as i believe i am not manipulative and certainly not selfish, maybe this is because i think alot about how i am feeling?
I cannot list everything that has caused the depression as i would go on forever, but to list a few key points:
-2 abusive relationships with partners (inc. the current,
-domestic abuse as i was growing up towards my mum and extreme violence/mental abuse towards me in late teens from both parents,
-possible resentment of my "missing youth",
-regret abortion of 3rd child,
-1 instance of sexual abuse at 14, not major but think about it quite often,
I suppose my main issue is that i just physically CANNOT get out of bed each day, it is like the feeling of bein 'pushed down' by something i cannot see. It is really jeapordising my relationship with my children as i feel the need to lie down after every task ie bathing them or feeding them, and everything i do is a real challenge.
Also although i dont feel im being judged or schemed upon by people, i absolutely DETEST social situations, ie seeing friends or talking on the phone, it makes me very nervous and will avoid it at all costs, so now barely see or speak to anyone but my mum and partner.
My doc wont diagnose me with any illness until i have seen a therapist as she knows my history and believes the fatigue relates to the depression (although i have had all the bloodtests for deficiencies and other detectable diseases). I have been down the medication route and found it unsuccessful although i was reluctant to try other types/doses due to bad side effects and how it changed my personality, i am VERY frightened of medication.
I just wanted to see if anyone could shed any light on the situation or offer me any advice, basically i just need to talk as family members/my partner just have the 'snap out of it' attitude towards me.
Half of my mind is racing and full of ambition and ideas and the other half is very down, while my body is virtually lifeless.
I cut my wrists and overdosed once when i was 19 but convinced docs then it was accidental as am worried about losing my children, i rarely have any suicide thoughts now - but lots of thoughts about how my kids would be better off in someone elses care.
I just feel trapped in this and scared and alone, please comment your thoughts on this, i feel as though i have been talking alot now.
 

[littlebeing]

Hi

I think maybe you are over analysing yourself. Are you on anti depressants? You have a lot to deal with at such a young age and maybe it would be worth looking at getting some help with things. Try and find someone to talk to and maybe ask a friend if they would like to go for lunch once a week or swimming so that you have a little time put by for yourself. The anti depressants will give you a bit of a break from feeling the way you do and a little exercise will help regain some energy and believe me I know how difficult it can be.

A number of years ago I had major surgery twice due to cancer and was left with reactive depression. I could not even find the energy to get out of bed and clean my teeth let alone walk down the garden to see my horse who has always been my life and passion, as I am sure your children are to you. Chances are you will not be able to do it on your own but if you have someone there for support and encouragement I think it will really help.

I also know what it is like to have people around who think you are just being lazy and miserable. It makes you feel so much worse because you believe that you are lazy and miserable so much more.


I hope this is useful. What do you think?

[crystalmagpie]

Hi hun,

First of all I just wanted to say I admire you for taking the first steps to getting some help. Secondly, please don't ever think that you're children would be better being with someone else. You obviously love them and put them first and believe me, there is nothing that will mean more to them than that. I'm really sorry that you have had such a hard time.  Have you considered asking a friend to stay for a few days, talking to her about how you feel and asking her to support you in trying to motivate yourself? For example, perhaps she could look after the children while you go out for a walk.

Do you work? If so, is it a job that you enjoy? If not, why not phone your local college and ask them to send you a prospectus? I'm not suggesting you sign up for anything this year, but if it is something you want to do, it might help to read for yourself that you CAN do those things, and you can refer to it when you are feeling down. I've not seen the doc about treatment yet but I also want to something and this helps me sometimes. Just believe in yourself.

Also, if it weren't for deperession, would you be happy in your relationship? If your not, this won't be helping and you need to put yourself and your children first. I'm not suggesting you break up, maybe just have a think about what you are getting from the relationship and see if there are things you can do to improve it?

Most of all, you are not alone. We are all on here for the same reasons so if you need talk to someone. We might not have any answers but sometimes it helps just to vent and sometimes people pick up on things that you wouldn't.

Hang on in there hun x x x x x x x

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