Hi there, I don’t really know where to start really; I just needed to get out what has been inside me for years. Ill try and keep it as short as possible.
I’m a 24 year old male, I have always been reasonably quiet and shy as that’s just my default setting if you will, but it has never stopped me from leading “a normal and happy life†(sorry if that term offends anybody, I just don’t really know how to explain the change) and I felt like anybody else I was active in sports , socially and had hobbies although I always lacked confidence but as I have always been like that it wasn’t too much of an issue or something I wasn’t comfortable with.
While I was at University to everybody there I seemed a happy, outgoing, confident person, but I began to suffer from really really low self-esteem and a complete lack of any confidence, this led to me locking myself away in my room avoiding all social interaction and sometimes going home for a week or so to escape the feelings I was having, I would always be very discreet with this and have many excuses to hand so that I could hide the way I was feeling, this is when the real darkness began to creep up on me, fast forward to 2010 and I was still feeling really low, however by this stage I had started seeing a really nice girl and I suppose I was trying to convince myself that any feelings I had previously, which were negatively against me were all my own doing and I should make myself happy “snap out of it†and by seeing my now ex I suppose I was covering up reality and using the feelings I had for her to mask the feelings I was having for myself, she was a really happy outgoing person one of those that always see’s the sunny side of everything and although I hid the way I was feeling from her.
I felt incredibly guilty about being with her as I hated myself for being with her as I’m not good enough I feel as though I was dragging her down and I was the worst thing to get involved in her life, but I guess I was selfish as I continued to see her. I was ashamed to be with her for her sake and one night I even told her that she was far too good for me and she should go get somebody else better than me, because everyone was better than me, however she just laughed it off as me being silly. I never got annoyed or angry at her and thankfully and to all intent and purposes it was a nice relationship that ended on good terms
I was relieved and yet complete heartbroken as it reinforced the depression I was suffering, she is a family friend so everytime she comes to the house it just seems to be like a massive reinforcing all the negative thoughts inside me, its only aimed at myself as I felt this way before, during and after. I’m suffering from really bad social anxiety and just clam up when around people I dare not speak, because I have nothing worth saying and feel if I did say anything it would be stupid and not worth listening to
During this time I really hated my life I just feel as though I am the worst person that has ever lived I feel a complete burden to my family and friends and have tried to cut myself off completely from them, I’m paranoid that nobody likes me at all even my best friends, parents etc. ,I daren’t leave the house or my room sometimes when I get really bad as I get so anxious I stay trapped away so afraid to see people because I’m so ashamed of myself, I have stopped all the hobbies that I used to do because I was suffering so badly from anxiety and feelings that I was utterly worthless, along with losing all passion.
I have real trouble sleeping at night I at most get 2-3 hours of broken sleep and at all times I feel immense guilt for feeling this way and incredibly nervous. I have stopped enjoying the things that used to make me happy and I can’t face doing them it just seems an epic struggle.
I get really lonely and this can make me tearful and yet I feel as though I have to be alone and I’m better off this way. I tried to talk to my family about it but cant pluck up courage. I feel so alone and trapped and when I do try and pluck up the courage to have another go at telling them, I just feel so guilty and ashamed that I cannot speak and this makes me angry at myself and frustrated, I feel as though everything I do is my fault and apologise for everything.
Over the last 9 months or so has been when it’s at its worst, because I sometimes feel so trapped and ashamed I feel like there is no point in life, I think about the thought of it most days. I think about going for a long walk and never coming back or when I’m driving, driving into a wall, although deep down I get the feeling I won’t do it, it frightens me that I’m even contemplating it if only half-heartedly and what if one day it gets worse, which i suppose is why i realise i need some help. The thoughts are still there it seems the only way to stop me feeling like the burden I am to myself and my family and friends, I feel like every minute laid out in front of me is a blank dark nothingness and I don’t have any sort of future. I’m also worried that I have started using alcohol as a mask.
I finally felt I needed to pluck up the courage to say something, I feel really guilty about saying this to my family or a doctor as I know there are people who are worse than me and I don’t want to seem as though I’m just feeling sorry for myself or being an attention seeker or using Depression as an excuse because I feel the response I will get will be negative and “what have you get to be depressed about or get a grip†as some days I feel OK as though it is manageable and hide it well and then I can go for weeks feeling like I want my life to just go but try and hide it, because I don’t want to seem like a hypochondriac when I know there are people worse off than me, the worst thing is people think I’m a confident, happy, outgoing person and it kills me. I just absolutely loath every part of me from how I look and act to how I feel.
Thank you for listening. I’m sorry it was so long. I wanted to say everything that came into my head, I just feel I have nowhere else to turn and online seemed most comfortable with people who will understand.
