I am a 16 year old girl and I am in my last year of GCSE's. I have been having problems since the beginning of September but I think the causes started long before that.
Throughout most of my childhood my dad was an alcoholic, he stopped drinking when I was about 12 or 13. I remember he used to get angry very easily and break things. He was violent towards my mum but he never really hurt her, he pinned her to the wall a couple of times. He used to hit me sometimes, across the face or he'd push me into things. It was usually because I had done something wrong, but on a couple of occasions is was just simply because I had 'got in the way' when he was on one of his mad rages. He has turned over a new leaf, he claims he would never hit me again and he never has, but I still get really frightened when he gets angry which he still does a lot. I always try to behave so that I won't get into trouble with him.
My parents argue a lot too, we don't have any money and are nearly always at risk of having our house repossessed. My dad can't ever stay in a job for long. The last job he had he was at for about 6 days and then decided to just quit. My mum got really angry, they had a huge argument and he threatened to leave home and never come back. He didn't talk to any of us for days.
My mum is not very supportive of me. She constantly criticizes me, calling me fat and ugly and making comments about how terrible my skin looks or how horrible my hair is. My younger brother, sister, and dad all do it too. They make jokes about my skin and all laugh along together as if I don't have feelings. I have told them that it upsets me and they don't seem to care. I try really hard to be a good daughter and look pretty and do my hair and make up before I go out with my family but they always find something to say. I am constantly shouted at and blamed for things that go wrong. My mum shows my no love at all, she doesn't ever let me hug her, she always pushes me away and says she hates being hugged. But she is quite happy to cuddle up with my younger brother, sister and dad on the sofa in the evenings while I'm left on my own.
I have no friends in school either, a lot of people hate me for no reason and I have no idea why. They call me names and people spread rumors about me being a slag when they don't even know me. People really don't want to have anything to do with me and just ignore me. I had a boy who I thought really cared about me but then he turned violent and threatened to kill himself if I didn't go out with him. He threatened to hurt me and he text me all the time and wouldn't leave me alone. He told people that I sent him sexual images of myself and everyone believed him. The only friend I do have at school has a really good social life outside of school so she doesn't really want to do anything with me. I never see anyone at the weekends or in the holidays because no one wants to.
I am always physically ill too, I suffered 2 serious chest infections in the summer. The second time my doctor considered having me hospitalized because I was so unwell. I have nearly always got a cold or stomach upset and just generally feel rubbish. I get told to 'stop complaining and pull myself together' and to stop being 'such a hypochondriac' by my parents. They think I am pretending to be ill for attention.
I also feel like my whole body is aching and I am very tired all the time, I often come home from school and go to sleep and at weekends and holidays I usually sleep in the afternoons. I went to the doctors and had blood tests done and they all came back normal. That's when I told her about all the other stuff that had been going on. I am very emotional and cry at anything, I haven't been eating properly so I also feel faint a lot of the time. I can't sleep at night, only in the day. I lay awake for hours because I feel so worried all the time, when I do get to sleep I have nightmares and I sleepwalk, I also keeping waking up and then cannot get back to sleep. I feel miserable and worthless, no one cares about me at all. No one shows me any sympathy or support. I have no friends and don't mean anything to anyone. If I'm not getting called names or whatever I am completely invisible. I do feel fat and ugly and no matter how hard I try I can't change it. I feel lonely and frightened, I often think about self harm and suicide because I can't find any other way to make things better. I also take a lot of painkillers, I'm not even sure that I need them most of the time but I feel I have to take them. I then get accused of being a junkie.
My doctor said I was suffering from depression, she didn't give me any medication because she thought it might be able to get better on its own with the help of counselling and she didn't want me to become to dependent on drugs. My school was supposed to sort of counselling for me but they weren't much help. They said they were going to put me on a waiting list but I don't know if they did and apparently its a long wait. I feel so alone, I have no support from my parents, we are not allowed to talk to any of our other family because my parents fell out with them. I have no friends either. Please all I am looking for is some support, I know I need to go back to my doctor but it is just so hard.
All I want really is for someone to just be nice to me from time to time.
Sorry its so long and I have complained so much x
