I have just read through a few postings, and now im on a guilt trip thinking "things are not that bad for me, and how selfish i must be".
Im 38 and am a single working mother of 8 year old twins. They "arrived" through a fling, anf thier father doesnt see them. This in many ways makes things easier. I do get financial help from him. I work and have been there 10 years, and have a mortgage on a little house. Although I am not rich AT ALL, I am not in any debt.
But this saga isnt the problem.
Over the last 2 years things have gone down for me, and I hardly recognise myself from the women of say 3 years ago.
My dad (who has been a great support for me and the children) died May 2005 of heart failure, he just dropped down dead at my mums.
I had to soirt everything out, from funeral, choseing coffin, music, speach, signing death cert, talking to the autopsey man, sorting out bank/finances, works pension ect. My mother didnt even know how to pay a bill, so i had to sort EVERYTHING for her.
I didnt mind, atleast I knew it was all done.
Even after dad passed, I wouldnt say I was as low as now, I think for a year you rattle on, in a kind of BUZZ of it all - at it took a good year to sort everything.
I do however really miss him, and have done for the last year, I feel that the family unit isnt complete. Him and mum lived 5 mins round the corner, and I was there everyday, and he played a huge part in my twins life. they were only 4 when he died, and miss him also.
I feel very cheated that he died at 67.
I get very tearfull pre menstrall time! and ofter cry myself to sleep.
In Oct 2007, my mother was diagnosed with a form of ovarian cancer, and was in hospital being diagnosed for 3 weeks.
Some how I muddled through working (temp changing hours), and collecting twins from school (as she does this) and she came out. But not before slipping in the showers there and breaking her arm.
So then I used to drop twins at school, and stop at hers on way to work to get her dressed ect - it was a rush.
Luckily after chemo and an op, shes in remission.
But I do take on my fathers role, and sort everythings thing "home" related out for her. Sometimes its like running 2 homes, but I cant moan as she is my child minder..
But I worry everytime shes unwell now, and always monitor (in my head) if shes looking ill ect - and then worry about that.
My sister who is 3 years older, doesnt do much..
Her lifes a mess (cant even be bothered to explain that at the moment)
I am ALWAYS knackered (I dont say tired as I feel Knackered is more than tired LOL).
I feel like im a hampster on a hampster wheel going round and round. Get up, kids to school, onto work, collect kids from mums, get home, sort house and kids, kids to bed - and maybe if I have the energy or interest watch TV. Most nights I just go to bed, as when you asleep atleast your not depressed.
I feel like im not living/taking part in life, but just going though the motions.
I have a cleaning obsession (which I dont feel is a bad thing to have) but feel that its because its the 1 thing I can control.
I dont hate where I work, ive been there 10 years, and they are like family, but the company has changed and things /people are not the same as a year ago (promotions and politics).
And the actualy position I have, isnt one I love either, but as i only work 4 days, I was taken off what I prev did there, even though I did it for 3 years, apparently you cant do it if your part time!!
When your depressed it makes you tired, then your depressed because your tired - and its like a circle.
I feel that also over the last year my tiredness and depression is effecting the kids, I wouldnt say im a great mum. They dont want for anything, and have a small but nice home to live in, but I dont think they always like me..
They fight allot, and are testing to see how far they can push me (I think its their age), but I do feel ganged up on somedays and that really get me down.
i wish I could be more like the Waltons LOL, but I havent got the stregnth
I think when you right down, the journey up seems impossible, didnt know if I should get some pills to help me on my way - but dont want to be stoned all day !!!
I would also like to loose a stone, im 9 1/2 stone. I know its not all about weight, but at the end of the day its about how you feel, not what you look like, and I know looseing a few pounds and getting active would give me energy and give me a better image of myself.
My health is OK I think, although I do suffer from bad back now and again, maybe weight related, or something im monitoring is "womens time of the month".
I wouldnt say that im obsessed with downstairs health, but what with mums cancer, I dont take chances. I had a whole abdominal ultrasound in Jan, as I was getting stomache pains - but it was all clear. I was diagnosed in Jan 2005 with inflamatory bowel, so maybe its all part of this, and is something I want to address after new year.
I think you have to be your own doctor sometimes (without being a hypercondriact).
Looking back at around 28, I didnt have any health worries at all, it seems to all go down hill after 30.
Sometimes I feel very bored in my life, but feel bad for saying it as I know there are allot of people worse of than I am.
I just feel the spark has well and truely gone out of ME.
Well thats me, any ideas?
