I've not visited a forum like this since a was about 17, so 6 years now. Back then I probably was depressed, although its not something I would have easily admitted. A lot has changed since then. A grew up a bit, I've experienced a lot. Gone to uni, travelled the world. I've been happy. For the most part. Words can't explain for great its been at times. But that doesn't mean I haven't been able to shake this cloud that seems to lurk, waiting to strike. It just hovers there, invading my thoughts when I least expect it. Its not a huge deal, just something I feel I need to voice. Just a good old rant...
I guess the biggest trigger for the thoughts invading are the scars I have to look at every day. It has been 6 years, with only 3 slip ups. And they wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been drunk. Not bad. But not one day has gone past where I haven't look at them and thought about if I'd never made them, or would it really be that bad if I'd never stopped. But the main question I ask myself is Why?? Why did I do it? I know the reasons I would have given back them. Although I guess more than anything else it was just something I knew, something I could go back to when everything else became too much, too overwhelming.
And I guess that's why its been playing on my mind now more than usual. I'm becoming overwhelmed. Or am I? I don't know. That's sort of why I'm bothering writing all this, just trying to make some sense of it all. Although I'm not all too sure that that is a totally wise idea. Last time I tried to make sense of it all I ended up in a downward spiral. When I tried to let it all go and just get on with life things took a further nose dive. So knowing all this why am I finding myself asking the same old questions daily?
The worse thing is a think I know the answers. Quite simply I'm slightly depressed again. I've just had 4 of the amazing years with some great people. But now I'm back home, living in the place that is a worse reminder than the scars I carry on me. I'm tired from the new job and constantly worried about money. I'm not getting on with my parents all that well and routines that I developed and have helped me have been completely disrupted. More than anything I'm unsure of the next step. The job I'm currently working in is just temporary, I know something comes next. But what? It stresses me out and then I put pressure on myself that just makes things worse. And the few routes I'm sure I want to go down, I'm convinced I'll fail at.
The solution to all this? Move out, get a grip and just work towards my goals. But with little/no money, even less motivation and a overwhelming fear of failing, I really need a good kick up the backside. I know people say its never that easy (I'm one of them!), but it should be. Well maybe not the money bit, but the whole getting on with it. And in some senses, I am getting on with it. But that doesn't stop the stress and worry. Doesn't stop me feeling overwhelmed or....depressed...I hate having to associate that word with myself, but I guess its true.
Meh...
