hi there. im in desperate need of help. and i dont know who to turn to.
Its all started a few months ago. when i started a new job. (i am a single mother to a 3 year old girl by the way).
The job was live in pub managment. and the owner (a really good friend who id known a while) gave me this opportunity as id worked so hard before i had my girl to get hospitality qualifications and an alcohol licence.
i was worried that id not be able to manage and look after my girl at the same time but i did manage it all ok.
id got her in a routine, bath, bed etc at 6.30 / 7pm, then started work downstairs. she was never on her own up here. i live with my boss and his 15 year old son whos very mature for his age and hes always been so good with my girl i do trust him. hed sit up stairs doing his homework but keep an ear out for my girl, if she cried hed shout me and id come and sort her out.
she also had a stair gate on her door, (the flat is seperate from the pub downstairs but i still wanted it there as shes still so young)
I dont see how that is different from her being upstairs in a normal house in her own room to this. but yet iv ran into serious issues from my family about all this.
My mum and dad raged at me like you wouldnt believe when i first told them about what i was doing. my mum said i should be like her, have a part time cleaning job and a house and keep benefits and a stable home for my girl, my dad said the same. they said by doing that job and living where we do i wasnt putting my girl first.
However they still agreed to have my girl 2 nights a week (friday and saturday) when i was going to be most busiest.
Not long after agreeing to this they moaned that i was fobbing my girl off onto them. and that theyre weekends should be to themselves to do what they want. i was ok with that, so said thats fine you dont have to have her, then they changed their minds, accusing me of taking my girl away from them, and agreed again to have her those 2 nights. then moaned again shortly afterwards. its been this ongoing cycle for months now.
Last weekend, my dad had to go away with the forces for 2 weeks, and my mum was going up north to a family birthday do for the weekend, so id been left without anyone to watch my girl for me, and i couldnt find anyone to have her that weekend, but i still had to work.
My last resort ( considering i knew it would be quiet last weekend ) was to ask my bosses 15 year old son to watch her for me , and like wed do on any other night when it isnt busy , hed just shout me if she woke, or cried. it went well, she slept through both nights perfect. no hassle , no worry. she was fine all tucked up in her bed. bosses son hadnt herd a peep from her. shed settled well.
When my mum came back she asked me whod had my girl that weekend, so i told her.
She went ballistic at me at the time, but then i didnt see her for a few days. meanwhile, last sunday id found out that a friend had commited suicide. i was also very ill that day with a chest infection. id been ill all week after that. so i was pretty messed up. come friday i was in a mess, hot sweats, pains in my chest, head was spinning, i was on my own and i panicked. rang an ambulance. they didnt want to take me to hospital as id be waiting 6 hours before id be seen so thye rang my surgery (who id been ringing all week trying to get an appointment) and they got me the appointment i needed later that day.
as i hadnt seen a doctor properly in a long time i got quite a few things out of the way.
i told my doctor:
When i first started working, i was on the ball, confident with everything, never forgot an important function, or date, managed everything well including my daughter.
Then 2 months ago something snapped, i went downhill, low, my memory was slipping, i was forgetting important dates, to lock a door, shut a window, even serious things such as bringin the till float up at the end of the night, or not doing an important calculation when cashing up. really important things that i have never forgotten to do before.
my boss found it weird and noticed id be getting a full nights sleep but still waking up shattered and drained, when i never used to , then this was happening every day. my boss questioned asking me whats wrong and tryig to get me to talk, but i never could, i didnt know whats wrong, so how could i tell him something i dont know?
but my moods are so weird, one minute im high as a kite, buzzing, sometimes to the point where people think im on something (drugs or alcohol, but id not touched them) , then hours later, id drop like a cannonball, and go into my own little bizzare secluded world. cry at the drop of a hat too.
My doctor said he thinks iv got manic depression. and gave me sertraline for it. said i should go back every week for a check up and to discuss if further councelling was needed.
He said id had a panic attack when i rang the ambulance. the hot sweats and pain in my chest was just that. although he agreed id also got a chest infection and gave me anti-biotics too.
I went back to my mums after and roughly explained to them my problems. now my mum and her sister both suffer depression. so really they know all about it better than i do.
well my mum said my doctor is wrong and that i havnt got depression, im just stressed out from work etc etc.
My aunt agreed with her. they said because they hadnt seen me so low (as most of the time im at home or in the pub downstairs) that im wrong and my doctor is wrong.
they said i was just run down, and didnt need the anti-depressants. well i know i do need them because my doctor explained about a chemical in your brain called serotonin or something that is something to do with your memory and how you register information and the reason i was going so forgetful and lethargic was because of low levels of serotonin, and the anti-depressants would help with that. so i know my doc is right and im right for taking them, but they disagree.
then last night, both of them full well knowing im not well and not very stable, (crying all the time), came in at ten to 1 in the morning, i was downstairs as i couldnt sleep, andmy girl was asleep next to me as she is full of cold and wanted to lay by me downstairs, they werew both drunk, and woke my girl up, then they had a go at me.
My mum insinuated that i put my work before my daughter, and how ashamed of me she is for me doing that. and then said that im a bad parent for "leaving" my girl alone with a 15 year old boy and i cant care about my daughter as much as i say i do.
admittadly i snapped, i called her a f***ing b***h and told her how dare she talk to me like that accusing me of not caring for my girl properly or her being second in class to me to work. i couldnt believe shed said that at all. thats not the case. i just work hard to give my girl everything i can give her. she really is so well looked after and shes so lucky too. she has everything a 3 year old could ever want. then my aunt said she was disgusted because i couldnt see the issue in a 15 year old boy keeping an eye on her while im downstairs, and that "i should know that 15 year olds hormones are raging at that age and anything sinister is possible"
i was disgusted. they dont know this lad, hes a good lad. whats more is, they actually thought that i would leave my girl with someone who i thought might harm my girl at all.
I was so angry that they were accusing me and him like that! its not fair. i would never put my child in harms way. and them two saying that could cause serious problems as there are others out there (children) that are indanger from family/friends, but im a good mother, i know who i can and cannot trust! and they do not know that lad at all. they have never even met him! but for some deluded reason, theyre very paranoid about him. and paranoid about me too! when theyve no need to be.
My aunt continued saying that my actions and my girls wellbeing was putting stress and depression on my mum all the time, that i ware it thin on her and dont realise what im doing to her. its all about her. when i tried to defend myself they didnt want to know. its all about my mum. the victim. and im evil, doing all that to her.
To be honest im not quite sure what exactly it is that iv done so wrong to her. and it plagued on my mind. and i started thinking of the past and infront of my family (mum, aunt, gran etc) i blew up. it wasnt like me, but every word that came out of my mouth was true.
i told them all :
that id had enough of her playing the victim against me, and that how can she constantly say shes so worried about me and my girl, when she waqs never worried when i was 6 and my dad smashed my head against the back of the toilet seat, or when i was ten and he grabbed my head and hit it on the bathroom window then smacked me silly all over (just for dropping the remote and the back came off and batteries fell out) or when he blew up because of something that wasnt my fault to do with an ex landlord and housing benefit not clearing and my landlord was on at him as hes my guarentaur, he cornered me infront of my mum, waving his fists in my face, calling me every name under the sun, saying how much of a mess id made of my entire life, swearing like crazy infront of my girl, and when i tried to get her out of there he wouldnt let us leave, he kept grabbing her off me when i picked her up, saying that she couldnt go anywhere and neither could i ( even though i didnt live there) then that night at half past ten, i was watching a film downstairs still crying he came down screaming " get in bed now, no questions get in bed now, your in MY f***ing house girl and your not going anywhere you will do as i say now, get to f***ING bed now" by the way im 24. My mum was never worried then was she.never. i didnt want my girl around that.
My girl was lying next to me bed listening to me sobbing all night.
my mum didnt say a word. she just let him carry on. then she had another go at me for always bringing trouble to the house.
After all this, i spoke to my boss. he has tried to help me, but he keeps saying, somethings happned to me as a child and iv got all the symptoms of child abuse. i dont know what to think. the worst of my childhood is what id written above that i can remember.
I know that i was an awkward child. until i was nearly a teen, i was always afraid to go to the toilet after dark, most kids are though, but i used to urinate on my carpets, and in my toy box. all the time. my mum had to change my carpets 3 times a year. it was disgusting.
I was always afraid of my dad as a kid. as soon as he came in the house after work. we were treading on egg shells. but my mum has always maintained i was just a naughty child.
I remember once, my mum took me out shopping in town and we was in this furnature shop, and the old man who had it asked me something about my dad, i cant remember his exact question, i was only young, but i told him something like "my daddy hit me and hurt my head on the toilet seat but im ok i still love him" , then my mum darted us out the shop and straight home, she shouted telling me to get upstairs and not come down, then when my dad was back from work, i herd them arguing, and couldnt make out what was said, but i assumed it was because of me.
I cant hold relationships down. my mums too interfereing. shes interfered with every relatoinship iv ever had. and most of my ex's hated her. not just one or two, were talking more like all of them about 7 ex's. the only one she didnt interfere with was my most recent. he was nice but i know iv got issues and know im not ready for such a full on caring commited relationship as i know i cant cope with it. i dont know why i cant but i just cant. hes very affectionate but it makes my skin crawl.
She told me i was daft and stupid for dumping him.
now im in termoil with my thoughts, my emotions everything. the only thing that keeps me hanging on now is my little girl. shes my world.
My boss is so supportive. he tells me my mum is a nightmare and he cant believe how unsupportive she is and how nasty she is to kick me while im down and that she seems to be good at doing that. he knows her well too. but she thinks im doing that to her. and my gran and aunt only know her side, they dont know the past, so they just saw me blowing up cursing my mum. she started crying, everyone huddled round her like shes such the perfect victim. im beginning to seriously hate her and not want her in mine or my daughters life. when i walked out the night she came back drunk, she wouldnt let me get my girl outta there and made me leave. i went back the next morning, to my girl ( a 3 year old ) saying that she didnt love me anymore and she only loved her "nanna" im crying as im writing this its so awful. why would my 3 year old say that? shes only 3. know one realises what this is doing to me. i cant decribe how saddened i am. i really cant. im devastated i guess is the right word.
i just dont know what to do anymore.
please help me , please.
