Hi All,
As the name says I'm Pete and I am from the midlands.
Its been a long time coming but I finally bit the bullet last night and joined the forum but to be honest I really dont know if I even belong here or am just being stupid.
I have suspected for many years ( around 25 to be honest) that I suffer from some kind of mental illness but there have been times when life is great and I am flying along on a cloud......usually before something makes it crash from the sky and smash into the ground with a massive thud.
Sorry if this seems to turn into me on the shrinks couch but I tend to go on a bit and I just know that what I have inside right now cant stay in there anymore, it has to come out but I just cant bring myself to tell anyone "real" if you know what I mean, This is much easier.
This year I turned 40 and have even blamed it all on a mid life crisis but I know in reality that this has been going on for much longer than a few weeks or months.
Sometimes I even hear myself thinking thinks before I say them (sometimes I dont even say them lol) and this makes me feel that I am inside making it all up and just lying to myself about everything. Like I dont really have depression or any illness and I am just making it up. Sorry if that sounds nuts but its how I can explain it.
Can I start off by saying that I am quite intelligent ( I think) and very active. I go gym 2 or 3 times a week, do karate twice a week, work full time as well as a part time job however of late and again ( it has happened before) things are really suffering.
I was the youngest of 5 kids however when I was aged 10 months my birth mother simply left us. My father was a drunk and womaniser and basically I cramped his style so was adopted out. I always knew I was adopted and always knew that my father remarried a few years after my adoption and had a neew son. I was the only one to be paced for adoption although a fair few years later my brother 2 yrs senior was taken into care also.
When Iwas 7 my adoptive parents who had me as they couldnt have kids miraculously had their own child and I immediatly recall those feelings of dispair and anguish of being alone. I recall talking in my head that they wouldnt want me now they had a newchild and soon I would be alone. I would say I must have done wrong and that I must be a bad person to have people wanting to replace me all the time. I was aged around 8 years old then but still remember it clearly and even as I type this I am sweating and my heart is racing thinking about it and thatwas 32 years ago.
As a teenager I would often be told to calm down as I rushed everywhere and would speak and act hyper but there would also be times I would sit in my room aloneor even sleep for days. I never sought help and was never offered any. It was just assumed I was lazy and like sleep but often I just could see no reason to wake up. I never had thoughts of suicide or anything though. not that I recall anyway.
I searched for my real family for years sometimes not sleeping for days as I made plans of how to find them, what i would say ( even writing whole speeches like plays) but at times I would lose it and just give up saying why would anyone want me back anyway, they gave me up for a reason etc.
In the year 2000 I was contacted by someone saying my eldest brother was looking for me. I made contact and was reunited with my 3 brothers and sister. My father turned his back again. He had made up with al of my other siblings just before his death in 2002 but with me , never. That threw me way into lows as I thought i must have done something really bad but I was less than a year old so how???
I found out my brother suffers from manic depression and has been hospitalised before and it scared me as when he tried to tell me what he'd been through I said nothing but it was like he was telling me my own life. The lcak of sleep and the over sleep. the high times the lowtimes, the mood swings etc etc I said nothing about myself as I just felt that he would think I was lying to be like him.
as it turned out my brothers never really bothered after the first few months and I again hit all time lows as I felt rejection again but the factmy sister basically insisted we kept in touch gave me lots of happiness however I would still sink into lows for no real reasons at times. Sometimes I would be ok for weeks and just have an off day as i put it where i wouldnt do anything just sit there.
I used to smoke cannibis as a release and so blamed the mood swings etc on smoking that but I stopped smoking completely back in 2005 but this is when things started to come back again. My friend wasa diagnosed with throat cancer and I saw him suffer terribly until he died in 2006. a month later my father passed away suddenly ( adoptive father). I was just getting to get close to him as we bith grew as my childhood I was a bad aple always in trouble but as an adult i took the other stance.
This year has been the worst since 2007 when my birth sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was taken into hospital in january after fighting for almost 3 years but passed away in feb aged 42. 2 weeks before her 43rd. My whole world fell apart and even though I have a wife and 4 great kids including a new baby girl born in 2010 I feel so very alone. How can anyone possibly understand how it feels to spend your whole life alone when your surrounded by family never mind how it is to finally feel you belong somewhere but within 10 years have it all taken away again? I am sure I am not the only one but it just feels like its my punishment for doing wrong.
This caused me to let my business collapse as i just could be bothered to work. I am self employed ( well was) but the phone would ring and I would just silence it and go and sit in the toilet alone. I couldnt deal with anything. I started drinking heavily but was aware of it so stopped.
I put on the face for my wife and kids and for the people i know but inside I am falling apart. I have tried to say its just grief but its like I am telling myself its more than just that. I'm like the patient and the doctor and that scares me as I dont want the stigma I know exists of being classed as mad or unhinged. I dont want my kids to see me as a failure who cant cope and I want people to see me as a success which has led me to try many silly get rich uick schemes only to fail. Mates even laugh and call me delboy but I cant help it. Iconvince myself I can "make this work" but I then just start thinking of other things and it fails or i lose interest.
I am now on Jobseekers as I lost all my business but i'm scared to see the doctor incase he says somethign that affects my ability to work and I lose my benefit as I really cant afford to not get money as there are masses of bills to pay. I need to be fit for work so much that I had a fall a few weeks ago and injured my shoulder and neck and although I getting physio for it I am still signing on as fit for work as i cant afford to not be. All this is addig to the pressure and I sometimes just sit and cry alone in the bathroom or in the car. I miss my sister so much that for the first time in my life I had a passing thought that maybe i shoudl be with her but only for a second and its never happened since as I love my wife and kids so much I couldnt ever leave them but it scared me.
Am I just greiving or is there more? Am I in the right place or am I simply messed up right now? I just dont know anymore.
sorry for the huge post but as you can see its almost 1am and i'm so tired but it had to come out.
My apologies if i offend anyone who is really ill and I am just being silly but I have taken so many stupid tests online that all say i have severe depression that I wanted people who really know their stuffto advise me what to do as who knows better that those who suffer themselves eh.
I'm scared the doctor will end up getting me locked up for being crazy lol....I laugh but im serious. !"! ( dunno why i used this emoticon but hey i like it lol )
