Hi i'm new

[Hope]

Hi i'm new to the forum and would like to tell you a little bit about what i'm going through. Please forgive my spelling and waffling as i'm not the most articulate person around     I have depression and as yet I haven't sought out help for it. The only way I can describe it is my head (brain) is a circuit board and it feels like someone is dripping water into it. A few weeks ago I was at my eldest sons graduation, a time when I should have felt nothing but pride. Sitting in the balcony in the auditorium I had to pinch my arms hands etc because something inside me was telling me to jump off! I have daily suicidal thoughts, something inside telling me to jump infront of the car I can hear moving up from behind me. I make lists in my head of how to kill myself. Plus reading symptoms on depression I had every single one bar one, irregular periods. My husband has informed me that since we've been together he reckons i've had some form of depression, thats almost 25 years. He doesn't think its a good idea for me to see a doctor as he says they will just fill me with pills. Its awful it really is, I have the most loving husband and kids and I find it impossible to return the love back. Ill write again soon, I need sleep as I have a tension headache lol    P.s  my names not Hope, but its what I have joining this forum!!!! 

[cornish]

hey and welcome, its good that your resisting temptations of suicide, its a very final decision to make, ive had a few failed attempts due to what i see was my incompetience and afterwards i really regretted it, thinking of what it would do to my friends and family.
 you dont need all of the symptoms of depression to actually have it and i highly recomend you go to your gp/doctor, yes they will probably give you meds but they can help, you need to see depression for what it really is, its just an illness that needs treatment.
 i was very anti docter/ hospital and medication but it has helped me a lot, im pretty accident prone and im terrible for diy first aid, tape, glue and pretty much anything else i can use lol ive even given my self diy stitches  

very few of us use our real names, so dont worry about it


sorry if my post was a load of rubbish and useless, im not doing too good at the moment


*edit
oh and good night and i hope you sleep well.

[Zaf]

Hi Hope, welcome :)

do seriously consider what effect it would have on your family if you committed suicide, to be honest thats the only thing that has stopped me on many occasions, I too planned how I would do it and where but knowing the hurt I would cause stopped me every time.

You very much do need to see your doctor, if your husband is worried about medication perhaps you could ask him to go to the appointment with you?  You could also google "Depressive illness the curse of the strong"  its a very useful site and it helped my husband understand more about the illness and trearment.

[Munchroom]

Hi Hope  :)

I know those suicidal feelings all too well. Even on 'good days' which this time last year were very few and far between, they'd sneak in. I even had the notes planned in my head - who I would write to, what I would say. How I would write to the GMC (or similar) saying my doctor wasn't to blame... its truly truly awful. But I am so pleased that you haven't gone through with it and are on here looking for support - I promise you, we will all do our best to help and support where we can  &*(

I really would advise you to go to your GP though - as Zaf suggested, take your husband along with you if he is concerned about the fact they'll just fill you with a load of pills. I know people are very dubious abouts AD's, I was at the start too - I wouldn't even take painkillers for period pains or headaches! Never mind starting to take AD's and sleeping tablets   But once you find the right ones, they do help. Also your doctor is the link between you and many other services that can offer help. Sometimes just going to the doctor and talking - knowing whatever you say is in the strictest confidence can help too. I know that first appointment is so scary though, so please don't feel we're pushing you into it, but please, if you can bring yourself to go, I would urge you. Depression is an illness - and a very serious one at that.

Please post at any time - and please don't worry as some do that posts are 'too long' or that you are waffiling. We've all been through this or are going through it right now, so you are not alone in any of this and as I say, we're all here for support.

Take care xx

[lightenup]

Hello Hope a warm welcome to the forum, it took me ages to accept I was suffering from depression, and twice tried to OD.  The cold light of day showed me how selfish I was being to my family, (even though I still only think fellow sufferers understand).  Your mind is playing with you and this is why you need to see your GP for help, it may take a while to get an AD to work but believe they will help.  You have a great hubby there, and if he goes with you it will be great support.

Also your hormones are also probably not helping either, please take the first step and see your GP and keep posting and we will try and help when we can.  Take care

[Depina]

Hi to you - I am new too, I am hoping this forum helps me and that I can help others too, the worst thing is being alone on this and no-one understands what it is like. So it is great to talk to you. I tried to cope for years but nothing I tried helped, in the end I went to the doctors and was on AD's for years without my husband knowing. He knows now but my family don't know as I don't want to worry them. I definately think you should see your doctor - it is an awful thing to go through with alone. If he/she isn't sympathetic see another one. I know that just going to the doctor can be v hard but please try.  Hope to hear back from you-let me know how you get on. Hugs

[Hope]

Hi everyone, I finally dragged myself to the doctors. He asked about what I was going through etc and gave me a form to fill out to be taken back to him next week where he has booked me in for a double appointment.He also booked me of work for 2 weeks. Although the day after was a really bad one for me. I decided to catch a train and visit my mum for the day with my eldest. Had a great day but sitting on the platform waiting for the train home it just came to me. Jump on the track, jump on the track. I decided to route in my bag to keep the voice at bay but it seemed to get louder and louder. The seats on the platform had holes in them so I grabbed hold for dear life trying to keep sane. my fingers turned blue I was holding on so damn tight. Finally the train come and I literally flung my son on it, hes 21 btw lol. He clicked something had happened and inbetween trying to keep the tears at bay I explaind what happened. Today on the other hand has been quite normal, no bad thoughts about hurting myself, which is a great relief to me :)

[Depina]

Hi Hope

You have done well today coping how you did, that is an awful feeling that you had, so glad you are feeling better, Keep it up. Sleep well. Thinking of you Depina XX