Why do I feel low??

[collis5]

Hi

I'm a new member, so thanks to everyone for providing great and free self help tools like this. Isn't I have flirted with mild/moderate depression for 10 yrs +. I can't work out whether it's clinical, reactive or both?

Most of the depression originates from loss and rejection. I'm 47 and live in the UK. My dad died quite suddenly in 2003 and my mum died of a brain tumour in late 2006. They's both led good, full lives and were happily married. In Feb 2007 my wife asked me for a divorce after 12 yrs of marriage. I agreed that our marriage was in trouble and probably not salvagable, but wanted another go. This was not granted and we split, I moved out and see my kids every other weeknd and 2 nights in the week. My ex remarried in 2010 to an old school friend who was 'around' when we split up, although neither of us had affairs during the marriage. My main issue with the split was the timing as it interfered with my grieving process with my mum

4 years on and I'm in a happier place, althoigh it's not utopia. I am on reasonably amicable terms with my ex. I love and adore my kids (9 and 13) who have been the best thing that have ever happened to me. I've been seeing a lady for 19 months who I met on a dating site. She is kind, generous and attractive and is very good to and for me

Emotionally I felt very hurt, angry and bitter when my marriage broke down and my ex re-married, but these feelings have faded. What has not faded is the feeling of loss, loneliness, melancholy, failure and rejection. e.g. not being able to kiss my kids goodnight every night and living alone. The negativity is not all consuming so I can function in life

I've addressed the above via counselling, CBT etc with varying degrees of success e.g The counselling really helped with me grieving for my mum.

I can see all the good things in my life, reasonable health, nice car, job, wonderful kids, girlfriend and home, but I can't shift the underlying feelings of sadness and uselessness that can manifest themselves sometimes in moodiness when alone or with others. I am not abusive and I don't blame others, but I do blame myself for feeling so low.

Any empathy, feedback or advice is particularly welcome from anyone that feels or has felt the same way

Many thanks and best wishes

S

[lightenup]

Hi ColiS, a warm welcome to the forum, I don't have all the answers as I am still trying to get better.  Have been unwell for 2 years not I was receiving CBT I had a window of shall I say wellness last October, but downhill since then and I feeling very bad at the moment.  People looking at me from the outside would say why, nice house, nice car, nice life!  I have had many problems leading up to my depression, death of 3 siblings (I never really mourned properly, stiff upper lip and all that) and loss of a very demanding job. 

I can't understand why husband stays with me, I just don't know why.  Unfortunaltely that is all I can say is why.

CBT have referred me back to Physchiatrist..................don't know what he is going to do.

I know on good days I can go out for a walk interact with people.  So what I am really trying to say we all understand, and I know negative feelings pull you further down.  We should not blame ourselves.  Take care

     

[collis5]

Thank you so much for replying

I guess your husband stays with you because he loves you and cares about you because at the moment you are poorly.
I tried to address my interupted grieving for my mum by going to and tending to her grave more often, writing to her and talking to her. A counsellor helped with this process too. It did gradually help me.
People are quick to give advice and the advice may not be suitable or appropriate for all, but we have good intentions

Take care

[Grant]

Hi Collis5,

I've been through a depression myself, which I believe stemmed from 3 things:
1) Loneliness (I had my first girlfriend (and first kiss!) at the age of 27) - lots of reasons behind that - and no, I'm not dog-ugly
2) Feeling misunderstood - I'm an intelligent person, sometimes seen to be a "know-it-all", when it comes down to me ACTUALLY understanding better!
3) Being separated from family (family moved to the UK whilst I remained in South Africa)

Its important to pinpoint where the low feelings stem from - which you believe is due to loneliness and rejection.

My problem in that light was amplified by the fact that I go out of my way to help others.  I'm a good guy, but somehow got left behind in life.  I still battle with it from time to time, but I guess where I've learned is that you cannot expect too much from people.  Each person has their own life to live and own decisions to make.  You may be able to influence them once in a while, but what you certainly CANT do is CONTROL it.

I've learned to focus on the things that I CAN control (in your case, being there for your kids' sports games etc) and stopped focussing on the negatives (in your case not being able to say goodnight every day).  Tell your kids that you hate missing out on that, and make sure that they know how much you love them - something you CAN control.  Your mind will keep going back into the gutter, but if you can learn to catch yourself doing it, CONSCIOUSLY accept that you cant control it and focus on what you can, then you give yourself a chance of recovering.

Dunno if that helps at all?
Good luck.