Hi there...

[tilly]

I came across this forum a few days ago and have been having a good read. It's so weird reading things from other people which could be words out of my own mouth. I knew I wasn't the only person in the world with depression but it's spooky to hear how similar other people's symptoms are to my own. Spooky in a good way though, obviously 

I wasn't going to do the whole 'life story' bit cos I don't like revealing stuff to people I don't know (or even people that I DO know!) but I've read some of you guys' posts and would feel a bit of a cop-out if I didn't have the balls to do the same. Sooooo.....

I'm 35 and have suffered from depression since god knows when. I had a crap childhood with a violent alcoholic father and an ostrich mother. When I was 13 I was raped by a friend of my father's. I told no-one about it, mostly cos I didn't think they'd care. Also, I was a very young 13 and naive and he managed to convince me that I had given him 'signals' that it was what I wanted, so I was scared that everyone would blame me and hate me for it. Anyhoo, I kept it to myself for a long time, hated myself and my body and had myself a secret struggle with anorexia. My mother at one point found a diary where I'd written about the rape and confronted me with it. I panicked, went into total denial mode and ostrich-mama decided to leave it there and do nothing about it. Cheers!

Life went on, I had a bit of a meltdown during my A-levels and left school and home to be a lifeguard (super career-move!), then got a flat and a proper job, met a nice bloke and settled down a bit. I had my lovely son at 22 and a heck of a depressive episode at 23. Finally spoke to my GP who gave a prescription for Prozac, which I tore up. I continued to struggle on my own with a baby and a partner who was spending more and more time in work to avoid me. On the outside I was a happy person, smiling in the park with my beautiful baby. Inside I was being crushed by the pressure and wanted to run away and never come back.

Somehow I kept going and raised my boy and found a job I loved supporting people with autism and challenging behaviour. I met an amazing man named David at work who I could talk to for hours about anything and everything and I started to open up to him. My son's dad was neither surprised nor particularly upset when I said I was leaving him.

David and I have been together for 6 years now. My son is 13 and a great boy. Two years ago we all moved to the other end of the country, mostly for peace and quiet. I no longer have any contact with my parents, which is a heck of a relief. But still, the black dog of depression hounds me (pardon the pun!). Recently it has been particularly bad, with serious thoughts of suicide. The plus side is that I now live in a small rural community with a fantastic GP who I can see at a moment's notice. He referred me to a psychiatrist who is lovely and I'm trying out some new meds. I also have a crisis nurse I can call on at any time and am about to get a CPN too. Way to go, NHS!

Anyways, thats me. Sorry if I bored anyone to death. I'll bugger off now and have a look-see if there's anywhere else I want to post. Please feel free to reply. I'd like to hope I can offer help on here but I'm not sure I can. What I can say is, I know what it's like and at least we're not alone...

[account deleted]

Hi there,

Welcome to the club. You're not alone. When I'm down I try to remind my self of that. For me it's cyclical and I pretty much know when I've hit rock bottom, then I know it's going to get better.
Is it the same for you?

G

[Medusa]

Hi

I came across this site by accident, I was looking for some help.  I don't know if I am suffering from depression but it sure feels like it.

I was hoping that talking to people in a similar frame of mind would give me some perspective.  I am normally a very positive, optimistic person, but these last few months have been like hell on earth.  I feel as if I am reeling from one catastrophe to another.  I don't want to seem like I am moaning or doing a 'Poor me'.  I'm not like that usually.

I suppose things started going downhill when my marriage broke up about eighteen months ago, since then I have lost my Father to cancer and lost what I thought was the love of my life.  I moved back home with my Mum to keep her company after my Dad died and my life just seems to get up, go to work, come home and go to bed.  I feel like such a loser.  I try to go out with friends but then I feel like I'm on the outside looking in and I can't seem to shake myself out of it.  I am trying meditation and reading every self help book I can lay my hands to try and make myself feel better.

I don't want to go to the doctors and have to rely on anti-depressants.  I would rather go through the feelings and hopefully come out the other side.

I'm hoping other poeple are going through the same as me and can give me some advice as to how to deal with this.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you
Medusa
 

[account deleted]

Hi there Medusa,

If it helps I can say I feel very similar. I lost a close family member last year, my marriage isn't very loving, my wife can't understand why I am depressed. (Neither can I?!) I have friends but only one or two would I call close, but even then I feel as though they tolerate me and if we meet up with with a group I am always as you say, on the outside looking in.
I also don't want to take medication, I want to work through and beat this. I haven't been depressed my whole life, just every now and again so I hope there will be end to this. I've been to the doctor and asked for counselling. I had six sessions which were next to useless then I was told that was it. So, I'm reading books... trying to be strong.
This week is a nightmare. I feel so worthless. Why would anyone want to know me? Surely, I'm better off dead? Surely, everyone else would be better off if I were? I am fighting this because I know this is not rational but I must confess. I'm tired of it now. I cried twice last night, on the first occasion my wife gave me a hug. 10 minutes later I broke down again, completely, she just looked at me.

If my life were a film, I would have turned it off by now.

All I can say, is dig deep. I do, I will not give in. There must be a way through...

G