New to forums but desperate.

[sademily]

Hi!

Hard to know where to begin. Sometimes I feel like a spoiled child that just have an outburst when things doesn't go my way. Or at least that's how I feel people perceive me.
Have a highly educated job that many girls dream to have...even I dream't about it my entire life...got depressed when I didn't get in initially etc...but now I'm stuck in a job I hate. Yes, I could specialize/change direction but I don't have the finances to do that so i'm stuck doing what i'm doing but I cry before,during and after every day at work.
HATE my career choice, wish I could live my life all over again but now I'm stuck with a £60 000 loan and can't get out. Don't have time for my husband or social life. So tired and drained by the end of the day that I have stopped enjoying life altogether.

If this is going to be my life forever I just don't want to live it.
My friends and parents don't understand me....they have heard me nagging them about this career since I was a little child and now just think that I'm spoiled just because I just don't like to work. They don't realize how bad I feel. I partly think that this is my fault because I can't talk to them. My periodic depressions and suicide thoughts started when I was 10years old, also has intermittent body dysmorphic syndrome...or rather live with it all the time but at times I'm worse and have outright Bulimia and at other times I'm eating normally.

I love my husband and he knows how much I hate my job and says he would do anything to help me but I don't want to make his life harder. he has a really good job that I know he would hate me for if I made him leave and is also treated for depression at the moment so don't want to lay this burden on him.
Feel like I'm suffocating....I'm stuck in a life I don't want but got myself into it......

Also....how do you explain to people that think I've got everything I ever wanted that I hate this life.

I don't want to die...I wish I could sort my life out and live happily but I'm unable to achieve it. And if you can't enjoy life what is the point of living it??

Where do you begin????

[lightenup]

Hi Sademily a warm welcome to the forum.  You are going through a rough patch at the moment where you think there is no way out.  I understand your perception of people looking at you and thinking you have everything so why you should be depressed?

This has nothing to do with what others think, it is what you think this is what it does to you.  Unfortunately at the moment it is difficult for anyone not worry about work and money and debt if they are honest.  You feel stuck with your job and it is getting you down, your husband is also not well at the moment and it is probably sucking both of you more down, so making you more depressed and everything is spiraling downward.

If it would be possibe could you take time out, try and get time to relax and be kind to yourself and do somethings you enjoy.  I know easily said, as I find it hard to do myself and the exhaustion you feel is awful.  Some people feel that some exercise help them.

Most of all keep all the good things like your adoring husband and happy thoughts is the forfront of your mind.  Also if you can find someone to talk to or Therapy, even venting on here may help, take care.

[sademily]

Thanks lightenup!!

I've always been "scared" of going to the doctors but writing here feels good. Scared probably isn't the right word, being a perfectionist I don't like being judged and also considering the treatment my husband got I just don't think most GPs are equipped to deal with depressed patients.

Totally agree...I think a lot of people feel the way I do considering the economic climate, which makes me thinks that maybe I'm "overdramatic". Well...should probably get myself out an exercise..but well...can't find the energy. Which makes it worse since I can't stop eating, has put on quite a lot of weight which makes me feel bad about my body as well....even my husband told me to stop eating as I'm getting bigger :S

Thanks for the reply...makes me hink about things and forces me to think about things in a different way.

[lightenup]

Hi lol going to CBT and the big problem is I'm described as a perfectionist.  Truthfully I am, cooking is also something I enjoy but have turned it into a chore everything has to A1.  Your not being melodramic regarding your work or how you feel, but i think the economic (outside) pressures adds to your situation.  I have been lucky I have had a great Doctor and general GP's have to all things to all patients.  But he was able to see I was depressed and which I find difficult to accept  ::)I'm so perfect.

Yes I am on medication to help take the edge off and to help me sleep, (which I hate taking) and am also going to CBT therapy.  Also find it hard to get out for a walk yet I know I feel better when I do. 

I tell myself it is like trying to get my irrational head to change back fully to my rational head.  Take care

[Ezel]

There is nothing wrong with the way you're feeling and I do understand how you feel about talking family about it.  I've had the same problem with my family who thought I was an attention seeker which turn made it harder for me to talk about it.  It's not unusual to find it easier talking to complete strangers/ a professional rather than someone close to you.     

[bel]

Hi and  !"£
Perhaps part of the problem is that you feel guilty because you got what you wanted, only to find you don't want it - an awful feeling. But give yourself credit for achieving your goal at least. I can understand how you feel trapped in it now though, especially with the current state of the economy. Could you start making a long-term plan to get out of it? At least then you might not feel so trapped and that things can never get better. Meanwhile, as lightenup says, I think you need to find something you can enjoy doing to try to take the focus off how much you hate your job.
Re bulimia and overeating; I was bulimic for about 10 years, eventually I saw my doctor about it and was prescribed a high dose of Prozac, which (to my amazement!) "cured" it. I now eat normally and do not have a weight problem. Of course the bulimia is just another symptom of depression and you will still need to deal with that. As you started depression at 10 years old it clearly has deep roots, but you can get through it. I'm glad writing on here has helped; keep posting!
Best wishes, bel