hi

[lisamarretta]

Hey

Im totally new here...been having a seriously difficult time since March last year, I have had 2 suicide attempts in December..I seemed to be in a much better place since starting some new meds but recently like the past two days I just feel so bad again, no sleep, bad nightmares when I do manage to sleep, I have tried my new coping mechanisms which usually help but I just cannot seem to get a hold of myself nothing is working I keep trying to tell myself it will pass but for the meantime would be nice to know what other people try or do when things get bad, I came here because I am fed up of hurting my family and friends also fed up of been told to cheer up if only things were that easy 1

[Amanda_George]

Welcome to the forum, Lisa and thank you for reaching out to us.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low that you felt you needed to try and take your life twice in December.

When things get bad for me, I have a long hot bubble bath and cry my eyes out for an hour or so then immerse myself in something I even remotely enjoy (reading, writing children's novels, listening to music, studying etc) or something totally new (learning something like science or maths or philosophy, art, creating graphics on my laptop etc) or post to my blog or update my websites... just something I can get totally out of my head with for a few hours break.

Come and vent to us whenever you need to or start a blog that you can totally let it all out in... something that you can just melt into for a while.  You don't have to be any good at it (I'm not), just try and find something just to totally get lost in for a while.

Keep on keeping on as best you can and I promise that there will be days that you don't feel so bad... celebrate those days and hold on to them to help you out of the other side of dark days.

if you want it?

[Pip]

Hi Lisa, it's safe here to post exactly how you are feeling.  Nobody will judge you because we all know how hard it is to deal with depression and a number of us have been suicidal.  I have tried overdosing a number of times but have only been taken into hospital once.  I don't remember anything as I passed out and when I did wake up I was in hospital.  At the time I wasn't ready for help so the hospital had no choice but to discharge me.

My husband suffers with depression and has also tried overdosing but it hasn't worked, it's been a number of years since either of us have tried committing suicide thankfully.  My husband (we've been married 25 years) didn't even know I suffer with depression until 2005 when I had a complete meltdown but I didn't want to die.  We had a fantastic doctor who listened and reasoned with my husband that it would be beneficial for me to be on anti depressants for at least six months.

We both go through bad patches but we have good friends and coping mechanisms.   For example I volunteer in a shop and I take our puppy with me, he's a lurcher, and my husband takes our staffy with him.  The customers love seeing the dogs as they are very people friendly.  We were told our puppy was 8 weeks old but when we got him he looked more like 6 weeks.  Our other dog has adopted him and 'mothers' him.  I also like reading, writing and swimming.

[lisamarretta]

Thanks so much for replying, I am just feeling so alone recently even though I have close friends and family around me..like I say since Feb my life has completely spiralled out of my control, hard time at work and then I suffered awful trauma in May last year, since then I have been suffering badly with Bulimia and body issues, like I say December was an awful time for me and now I have found myself moving out of my partners home...we had been together 13 years! last week for the first time I felt able to get myself ready for a few days and I didn't throw up once in 4 days which is a huge thing for me, then the last few days I have gone straight back down... I keep telling myself it will pass and I have tried everything that usually makes me feel better just nothing seems to be working. I tell myself I should be proud for things such as getting a shower, doing my hair etc, asking for help, or not purging...but then this little bitch voice comes along and mocks me for been proud of myself for what used to be trivial things. Good to chat to people who don't call me selfish or tell me to cheer up!

[Amanda_George]

I'm so proud of you for getting yourself ready each of those days and not throwing up for a huge 4 days too... that's so totally awesome and I hope you feel seriously impressed with yourself!

Start with what may seem to be tiny changes and they will slowly become routine.  For example, I've brushed my teeth every morning for the last 3 weeks which is a new record for me.  I'm also walking our senior pup every morning and having as many home-cooked meals as possible... 3 so far this week.  I only wash my hair when I'm getting it cut and have a bath when I've got an appointment either with Fergus or a professional appointment (medical appointment or sight test or hair cut or whatever) so I've still got a way to go.  I only change my clothes when I have a bath or shower so I've still got a way to go with that, but brushing my teeth every morning is my slow start.  Is there anything small that you can change to start with?

How about you promise yourself that you will brush your hair every morning?  You can encourage me to keep brushing my teeth and I'll try and remember to remind you about brushing your hair if you like?

I used to have that bitch voice inside my head too, but over the weeks and months I've learnt to ignore it and tell myself that as long as I do my best every day then that is enough.  You wouldn't be a bitch to your best friend so why allow your bitch voice to be cruel to you instead?  Next time your bitch voice starts muttering, tell her that Amanda doesn't agree and that she will support you in any way she can until your bitch voice eventually gives up.

You can do this, Lisa, and by reaching out here on the forum you've stepped forward and that's fantastic!

[lisamarretta]

Thank you,

I’m managing to take a shower without my underwear on now, something I couldn’t do a few weeks ago, I’ve started cooking myself a meal once a week and then going for a walk with the dog so I can’t throw up, It would be lovely to have a little encouragement some days so thank you and yes I will encourage you with brushing your teeth.

Last week when I had my good days I gave up the stash of pills I had.. that was a big step as I have had them for months just incase. I keep trying to tell myself the bad days will pass but it’s so difficult when you are in the middle of one. I’m just so tired!

[Amanda_George]

You're doing so well already... I'm guessing about why you've felt the need to shower with your underwear on and it was the same for me when I went through something similar.  Don't push yourself too far too fast though, listen to your body and you will learn when you can push yourself and when not to risk it.  You're doing so well with the cooking... don't push yourself too hard too fast though, take things at your own pace.  I'm so proud of you for what you're already achieving - keep on keeping on and you'll get there before you know it.

How about filling up the cupboards with healthy ready meals and snacks like we're slowly doing?  Get healthy snacks in too that are quick to prepare and easy to eat like raw carrot sticks or something like that?

So proud of you for taking such a huge step in binning those pills... I know only too well how hard that must have been for you, but you did the right thing and you should find a way to celebrate somehow.  Maybe invent a new game with your dog or something like that?

It's totally understandable that you're tired... you've been through a rough time and you're climbing your way out of your pit so you need to recover, but you aren't alone any more - you've got me and the forum to lean on whenever you need to now!    if you want it.

[lisamarretta]

It’s comforting to hear other people had the same issues, not that what you went through is comforting just I feel like I’m going crazy at times.. I’ve been in the hospital with severe water infections because I hold myself as the flashbacks or the fear of taking down my trousers and underwear is way more than I can handle. I’ve been put on Mitrazapine 30mg at the minute and to be fair it seems to be helping a little. I think that’s my issue I got ahead of myself after my 4 good days and I’ve tired myself out! Thank you for the hug.. I’ll gladly accept it.

[Amanda_George]

It's totally understandable that you feel like you're going crazy but you are amongst people who understand what you've been through here.

I'm glad the Mirtrazapine is helping you a little bit.  Have you had your vitamin levels tested?  Especially your D and B12?

Take things really slowly... you've been through so much that it's understandable you're tired after 4 good days!

[lisamarretta]

Up since just before 3am 🙄 I haven’t had my vitamin levels checked, do you think that’s something I should ask for? I came clean to my Dr about my eating issues but I’m kind of at a stage where I can’t stand to be touched so I wouldn’t let him examine me, without an examination I can’t be referred to a specialist etc so sort of stuck inbetween wanting help and not wanting to be touched.

[Amanda_George]

Having my vitamin levels checked, getting the course of vitamin injections done then investing in a variety of supplements have really helped me!  I was low in both B12 and D and that first injection in the course lifted my mood into the clouds and I felt better than I ever have in my life and that's no exaggeration!  I pop 4 supplements (Calcium because I'm allergic to dairy, Iron because I'm vegetarian, B12 because I was so low in it and a Multivitamin for the D and just to make sure I've got enough of everything else) every morning now and really notice the difference if I don't take them for a couple of days.

I recommend Coconut oil for a very minor lift in your mood too... it won't have much affect, but added to a mug of hot water does lift my mood very slightly.

I've just brushed my teeth, so your turn to brush your hair now!  I'm gonna start a new thread in the lounge so that we can carry the conversation on over there   

[Pip]

This will sound stupid probably but it's about baby steps.  I'm glad you're being honest here and it's a huge step / taking a step forward so now you work on what's realistic for you to concentrate on.  For example you're taking good steps with showering without underwear on and the next step is working towards being completely comfortable doing so.

Walking your dog is great - I have a rescued staffy, adopted May 2017 and she had spent most of her 4 years in kennels, and a lurcher puppy which we got on New Year's day so we make sure we walk them.  Some days are easier than others but we push ourselves to walk the pair of them.  They pick up on our moods which is good and we have four cats but unlike dogs they have staff.

Diet can really help and I'm fortunate that I love veg and fruit - as Amanda suggested carrot is great for snacking along with cucumber, tomatoes etc.  Coconut oil was something I was unsure about but I now recommend, along with B12, I'm anaemic anyway so have to take iron tablets.  Different types of exercise are good as well.