Hiya, yep its me again,
I suppose its just one of those weeks, everyday i think of suicide or at least causing some serious self harm, at the moment i have managed to fight off these feelings but honestly im so trired of doing that. The things i would do just to escape for a little while ( i don't mean drugs ).
I know my depression is getting worse because i have found myself judging how i look as so if i did decide to kill myself, i would not look messy or dirty. Somedays i think 'yes today is fine, if i was to die today that would be fine' others i think 'better wash my hair if i want to slit my throat'. I know i need help, i know i do but some little part of me just wants to pretend that this is just a phase and that it will all work out.
I deliberatly didn't take any medication for two days last week, just to see how long any effects would be, i came to my senses and took my injections, although i did pay the price for my lapse of sanity. I felt so stupid that i couldn't go through with it, maybe if i was alone then i may have but seen as i was surrounded by people 24/7, im pretty sure they would notice if i just collapsed on the floor.
Some days i don't feel like dying some i just wish i was in a coma - just some sort of release from life, that may sound stupid or even a little inappropriate but honestly i can't help what my mind desires.
Thanks for reading, Jess xx