I haven't posted on here for god knows how long- so much has changed.
Where do I start....
I moved to new place, away from my mum and her drama, I was planning on getting married next year, I started a new job as a mental health support worker (Ironic) I thought I was happy- I thought, this is it, this is how my life is apparently meant to be...
Working as a mental health support worker was an eye opener. It made me look at my own life- what was I doing? I wasnt happy with how my life was at all. Maybe I never really loved my fiance- but I worked so hard on our relationship, I tried so hard to be the person he wanted me to be. I felt lost. I wasnt going to marry him for the right reasons, what were my reasons in the first place! Sounds harsh but I've been such a mess for the past couple of years. Everything feels like one big jumble. I havent faced my problems. We broke up and all i got was abuse from him. Sending me texts saying hes been having sex with other girls, that I should be greatful because he saved my life, that he hopes the next person Im with cheats on me. He'd go deeper into my insecurities and say I have a chest like a 5 year old boy and a small bum, I'd be near perfect if I had a boob job and some more counselling.
I dont understand how someone can say such cruel things, someone who knows you so well to use all those things you hate about yourself against you, to know your weakness's and make sure you feel like utter &$%+ because they know exactly what makes you tick.
Our relationship was dead and had been for a long time. But I would never be so horrible towards someone I once loved.
I met someone whilst working on the ward- the most genuine guy I have ever met. Seeing him would make my day so much better. I have never laughed and smiled so much with anyone else. I'm still with him now, but I still have those thoughts- Am I good enough, am I pretty enough, I need to compare myself to every other girl he knows.
Why can't I just love myself? Why can't I be happy with who I am? I have such low self esteem
I'm back living with my mum so a part of me feels like I'm back to square one, I've lost my new home, my new friends, my new job and my kitten! My independence completely gone! There's a lot of emotion being back here with my mum. There is so much I will never forgive her for. I'm so on edge waiting for all the mind games to start again, waiting for the odd comments that put me down and make me feel worthless.
I feel worthless.
I feel as if I don't matter to anyone.
I feel like me being here is wrong?
I feel as though I'm always in the way and I annoy people.
I will never love myself, I will never feel as if I'm good enough for anyone let alone good enough for myself.
Do you ever feel you give your all to people and you will be there for someone no matter what but as soon as you need someone nobody is there- you feel so alone.
I'm slipping back into old routines. I've always felt that every time I feel low it feels worse, it feel darker.
Nobody would notice if I disappeared.
Maybe I just need to vent...
