One of the things I find most difficult when fighting anxiety is the astonishing lack of knowledge and understanding by people, including those in pastoral positions.
One of them said this a couple of days ago:
"And yet, for some of us, not to feel anxious would feel reckless and uncaring and wrong and we almost get kind of superstitious, some of us, in our anxiety like little children who, if I don't touch both sides of the door, the house is going to fall down. And anxiety is so much a part of many of our lives, it would be unthinkable to be without it ... we hold on to things which are ultimately hurting us and holding us back because in some way they serve us in another way. So that we can hold on to at least some of our anxieties because we need it in order to feel caring and loving and responsible."
In other words I'm only anxious because I choose to be and I'd rather have it than be rid of it. It's a long time since I was as angry as when I heard that. Not to mention demoralised. It seems to undermine and deem false all the massive amounts of effort I've put into doing things despite the anxiety in order to try to enjoy them, rather than avoiding them. It makes me think "why have I bothered?" and also "Am I really only anxious because of some unidentified pay-off rather than a real difficulty?" If the latter is true than most of my life has been a sham...
