How I'm feeling today

[mrj25]

Today is a horrific day. For a start, in the eyes of many, I don't really have any 'real' problems. In my own eyes, I'm building things up to be so bad that they're unbearable. I've just come home from work because, while there, I pretty much broke down in tears. I am an idiot. I sometimes, like today, really wish I hadn't got out of bed. My current medication - Duloxetine - is doing nothing but mess up my sleep. Yesterday the doctor seemed non-plussed by what I was saying and prescribed me some sedatives to help combat the lack of sleep. They didn't work at all. I have never felt so alone as I do right now. I really wish I could snap out of this and move on. So much of the past two months has been horrific and I cannot seem to get over any of it.

So that's how I feel today.

[lightenup]

Sorry to be horrible but you just can't snap out of it, or don't let anyone tell you that.  I don't know how long you have been on the meds but they normally take 4-6 weeks to work.  For me it took 4 types of meds before I got one to sort of work (level more out), some I couldn't settle at all, some had me sleeping on and off, etc.  Unfortunatly for me I am on a sleeping tablet too long in my opinion to counteract my insomnia and help with the nightmares.  If you after another week are feeling no better go back to the Doctor. Its so horrible being like this and believe me when you are in deep despair, it doesn't matter if you have people around you, you mind tells you differently.  BTW your not an idiot, unfortunately for us no one can see that we are ill and that is a big problem.  Try and keep some happy thoughts to the front of your mind, very difficult I know.   

[bel]

Hi mrj25,
I agree with lightenup - you're not an idiot, you're depressed, and you can't just snap out of it. Unfortunately it can be a long and tough process to get out of depression. One small step at a time.

[mrj25]

Hi. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I know I'm not an idiot, and for me to say so is ridiculous and I apologise. I just get so frustrated with how I feel sometimes. I recently came out of a relationship during which my girlfriend was diagnosed with MS. For me to get down about my own 'problems' seems silly sometimes, especially when people have problems far, far worse. I think perhaps hiding elements of my own issues to stay strong during those couple of months has really taken it out of me. As you say Bel, it's one small step at a time. I just hope that something positive happens soon as there has been nothing but bad news in the past 6-8 weeks.

As for my meds, I've been on and off different pills for years now. This must be my sixth/seventh/eighth(?) variant of anti-depressant. I can't abide the numbness that many of the meds provide, but then what else is there? The lows are currently lower than they've ever been, while the highs are fewer and far between. I suppose it's just perseverance and trying to make gentle adjustments to my own life.

Hope you two guys are both ok though?

[bel]

Hi! Don't apologise, I didn't mean to scold you, and I'm sure lightenup didn't either. We've all been there, and I just wanted to encourage you not to put yourself down.

As for your problems being "real", well they're real to you and that's enough. Maybe they aren't as bad as other people's, so what? I have had the same worry about not having big enough problems to justify my depression. What I have come to realise is that it's not the problems making me depressed, it's the depression that makes to problems harder to deal with. As depressed people we find it hard to deal with problems that "normal" people can cope with far easier. So try to give yourself a break. 

As regards medication, I feel that it can only help to a certain extent, it will not cure depression (we wish!!) Meds are useful to give you a bit of a break while you start to deal with the roots of your depression and what you can do to help yourself out of it. That's what I believe anyway, others may disagree.

Hope things start getting better for you. Look after yourself.

bel

[mrj25]

Today, I am even worse. This is my lowest ever point. Last night I did something stupid and have now lost my best friend due to being as mentally unstable as I am. Because of my paranoia and jealousy, my feeling of being scared and my anxiety, I ended up upsetting her so much that today there is no relationship at all. She used to be my girlfriend and was the only one I have EVER opened up to about my depression. We were such close friends, of which I have barely any. We had a row and now she's gone. She's severed all lines of contact and won't be coming back. I am so upset. I very nearly took all my tablets last night, that's how low I feel. I sometimes think I need to be sectioned, because I cannot live like this. My head feels like it's going to explode from all the pressure. Why do I keep sabotaging my own life. I f***ing hate being me so much. I really don't know what to I. All I've done all morning is write down how I'm feeling. My head hurts from crying and I have absolutely no-one to talk to. I don't know why I'm even writing this here. There's nothing anyone can do to help.

[junior]

Hi mrj, sorry your so low, its good that you didnt take all yours med's and it shows you can control this depression and your feelings so well done.
I know its hard when a relationship falls apart and just as hard when its a close friendship so I can understand how you are feeling.
Maybe you need to make am appointment with your doctor and tell him/her how you are feeling.
Sorry I couldnt be any more help.
Junior