Hello all

[cloudedvision]

Hiya, just to briefly introduce myself.
Im a single mum of two.
It all started 6 yrs ago, before then I guess but not as much or as bad. I suffered a silent miscarriage then a couple of months later I found out I was pregnant to my delight. I had gestational diabetes during the pregnancy and had to inject insulin daily.
My best friend was also pregnant at the same time, we planned our whole lives together, doing things with the kids.
I had my daughter early march and she had her son late march. 18 days after her son was born she died, unexplained death. I was in pieces, not knowing why a young mother was taken like this.
Having a new born baby, a young child and the death of my best friend to deal with I was starting to struggle. My fiancé at the time wasn't much help, thought I would be ok with time. He then got really sick and was struck off work for 8 months and I had to nurse him as well as care for two young children and try to cope with my grief.
I buried it all deep down and got through day by day as best I could.
I split from my fiancé and moved out with the kids. After a few months I met someone else. He lied to me, cheated on me and made me feel worthless.
My son is going through counselling also because he worries a lot. he told me when he was 6 that he thought my life would be better if he was dead and wanted to kill himself. He can be the most loving child most the time then he flips suddenly and cries over the littlest things or lashes out at me or his sister which can be very trying at times.
I started losing myself, bit by bit. Snapping at people, blanking out, staring into space and forgetting things. I actually had hold of my 9 yr old son and was shouting in his face and fighting the urge to hit him when I realised I needed help and so I went to my gp and told him to save me and my kids.
Now I am on the pills and feeling calmer, able to get through daily life with my kids a little better and not losing my temper as much or as bad. I have developed a cleaning OCD though because I tend to clean to occupy my mind and I walk everywhere now which I didn't used to do. I go out for walks to relive boredom or when im stressed to clear my head.

Thanks for reading my not so brief message and hope I haven't gone on too much.

Thanks again :-) x

[stewart]

Hi cloudedvision,
you have been through a great deal of stress, dealingt with a fiancé who was sick, and then being cheated on and lied to by someone you thought would care for you.
you are not worthless at all, bringing up two childern practically all by yourself shows you have great strength.

here on the forums you will find friends who understand, and will offer advice when needed.

stewart

[cloudedvision]

Thank You Stewart :-)

I thought I would join this forum and hopefully find some people I can talk to who understand what im going through instead of saying 'get over it' and 'its all gonna be ok, get back on the horse and forget it'.......not that easy :-(

[Pip]

 sign0016

People who tell you to 'get over it' are clueless and would only understand how ridiculous a comment that is if they suffered with depression long term.

You have suffered so much it is little wonder that you're depressed.  Keep telling yourself that you are worthy as a person and as a mother.

[cloudedvision]

Thank You Pip :)

I am really trying to get to grips with everything that is happening in my life that these people that are supposed to be friends and some family can just sit on the back burner for now...im not wasting my time with them. I aim to get better, to get to a stage where I can function fully without having to think about every move.

Thanks again, it is so nice to find some understanding at last :)