I have been alone most of my life...the only good time of my life i remember is during early childhood when i was a carefree little girl...when i giggled and shrieked with happiness over little things...when i used to run after rabbits and chase little puppies...when i had a perfect family...a perfect life.
My father, whom i idolized, left us...he divorced my mother and left off to live in another city....we had no source of income, didn't even have a car...so my mother sold off her jewelry to help us live. My sister became teacher's asst in university so we didn't have to worry about her fee...She topped all her semesters and in her degree (BBA & MBA)...her scholarships helped pay me and my brother's school fee...Life went on...I stood first in most of my classes...but seeing others with their fathers cheering them on; making videos, taking pictures...it killed me...i felt no joy when i walked up to the stage to get my shields/ certificates...i threw all of them away...they were just pieces of plastic and cardboard for me...i remember my father calling all three of us one night and informing us on the dinner table that he was leaving us...i remember me begging him to not leave us...i could not get my words straight because of crying...i dont know what he heard...he was silent, he didn't listen...i told him that i loved him soo much and i would love him even more, would never do anything which he didn't like....i remember holding his feet and begging him not to go....but he left.
I had no friends at school...didn't talk much because i didn't want to hear about other people's happy lives...i was silent and reserved....everyone thought me rude and arrogant because of my silence. At college, it was the same...i spent most of my free time in the library or under the old shady tree at the corner of the ground. I had classmates...we talked but there was no one i called friend. My sister now was the head figure at home being the bread winner. Slowly and slowly, her importance increased to a level where she made all decisions...my mother favored her. If there was an argument between me and my sister....she told me i was wrong. If i had some argument with my mother, i was always always 100% wrong...i was told that i had no shame, no manners to speak with elders especially my mother....so i started being more silent....my little brother whom i loved a lot...was my best friend....we used to fight and laugh and cry together....he cared for me and i adored him....My sister and my brother have a very high temper....they spoke up about our relatives (who i agree were selfish and self centered)....voiced their extremely low opinions of those people very bluntly...my mother agreed with both her eldest daughter and her only son...i didn't speak as i knew my opinion didn't matter. Time went on...my brother entered college and then went to university in another city.....i topped my engineering degree at university....my father attended my graduation ceremony....i heard he had remarried but the marriage failed....he told me he was very proud of me, patted me on the head and left....i didn't feel anything...i wish he hadn't come.
I then joined Army...he was again there on my passing out ceremony....again told me he was proud of me and left....i hated him. I became a commissioned officer...it was during my young officer's basic course, that i came to know that he had married again for the third time...he was happy in his life...didn't give a damn about us....he only called when he needed us...visited only because he want a place to stay in for his work.
I held myself together as I knew, that I still had rest of my family…but life must be laughing at me then.
My mother and my sister didn't give much importance to my opinion....one day i sat with my mother and told her that her attitude hurt me soo much...that it is the worst thing when your own mother preferred your siblings over you....she didn't understand, rather told me i was ungrateful and selfish....i should be thankful as my sister kept us alive when there was no one else....i told her that i appreciated and accepted my sister's help and her role in our life but we are still sisters...it does not mean that i have to bend myself over for her for the rest of my life...take her verbal abuse(she has a very biting tongue).... my mother didn't understand and blamed me....for the last decade, i was on/ off on talking terms with my mother and sister...none of them ever accepted their mistakes....it was always me, that let the bygones be bygones.
Everyone has a limit...my limit was crossed/ trampled upon last dec...i literally had a nervous breakdown....I stopped talking to my sister after i had a very heavy fight with her in the last week of dec 12....a week later my brother, who now worked as an engineer at a power company in another city, came to our city for his 6 months training. I was beyond happy....i hugged him so fiercely that he literally choked...Our bond was special, or so i thought....one day, while he was playing a game on pc, i asked him to wrap a gift as i was getting late for a colleague's wedding...he said ok...my mother sitting in the lounge said why did i have to bother my brother, why couldn't i do it myself?...i was stunned!....i told her that it was me who had been wrapping gifts for my brother and sister whenever they needed wrapping...and if was a bit late, my mother used to tell me to leave everything and wrap the gifts first….no one asked my brother or sister to do it themselves....but for once, when i really needed the help as i was getting late....i can't even ask my own brother because it would disturb him?!?...my mother didn't stop there....she kept on telling me how i was useless and was always complaining....i told her to stop speaking...she didn't...the argument escalated and my brother came out and started shouting at me....telling me to shut up as my mother was right....he took threatening steps towards me as if he would hit me....i was beyond anger at this point....told him to do whatever he wanted.....he shoved me....my own little baby brother for whom i took blame countless times to save him....shoved me!.....i was beside myself, years of held up anger and rage came up....i tried to hit him back...by this time my mother tried to play the good guy...my brother was holding my wrists while i was struggling....my mother came and held me to break us up...i shoved both of them away...and locked myself in my room....i heard them cursing me....heard my brother telling my mother not to ever talk to me again as i dont deserve it.....i was shivering with emotions....part of it anger, part disbelief and partly because of crying....it took all my strength to get myself ready for the wedding and run out of the house as fast as i could.
It has been 5 months since I have stopped talking to them completely….I have volunteered for a posting at a very distant/ hard location where no one would know me but it would take time to process…sometimes when I go for a walk, I don’t want to come back…I have wished that I die on duty many times…if I was a man, I would have been posted to an operational area where I would have a lot of chance of dying but I don’t believe in suicide….i have prayed and still pray for death…I don’t want to live, I really don’t….people wish for heaven….i wish that I would cease to exist after death…I want my consciousness to slip away and never come back….because the pain has become unbearable…sometimes, I feel numb to everything as if I am watching my life from a stranger’s perspective but at other times, the pain is like a poison in my veins…..the frequency of the later is increasing day by day.
I sit here, alone in my room at 0123 hrs, writing this just for the sake of getting it off my chest…but it seems fruitless as I feel worse than before.
I have been trying to be grateful for what i have….as I know my life is still better than many others….but I am fighting a losing battle…I tell myself every hour that I am grateful for my life….but lately my tongue is not obeying my mind…my heart has lost all faith in relations…and I have lost faith in life itself.
