Hello everyone

[Octavian]

Hi,

This is really hard. Even typing is exhausting. I was first diagnosed with depression 3 years ago but being an alpha bloke type tried to just will my way through it. I don't have much in the way of family and after my last relationship ended, I started pushing everyone away without realising. I self medicated with weed which allowed me to function at work. The oddest part being that I'm in the creative side of the media and my career was going really well.

But every time I had a success, my self hatred grew. At Xmas (which is the worst time of the year for someone depressed and alone), I crashed. I quit my job, could no longer face anybody, locked myself away and haven't seen friend or family member since 2012 til last week.

There's no easy way round this but I want to die more than anything else in the world. I want to sleep and never wake up. I hate myself, I hate humans and I hate this world. If I had an ounce of courage I'd do it but I'm a coward.

My brain is so full of guilt and shame it feels like its on fire. I can't stop crying. I've stopped hiding it from people because I can't hide it anymore. People are shocked when they find out. I'm in relatively good health and am decent looking. This of course just adds to the guilt - after all, what the f*** do I have to be depressed about.

Depression is the only disease I can think of (except maybe aids) where the sufferer is almost blamed for having it.

I've had to wait 4 months for an assessment with the local complex care team. Every day has been torture. Every day I want to die. But there's a tiny part of my brain that remembers I'm not supposed to feel like this which is holding on. I've tried medication and the side effects made me either physically sick or a zombie.

Tomorrow is my assessment. It's my only hope. If they can't help me I think I'll just give up. There's nothing worth living for.

Somebody please tell me there is hope.

I'm sorry to bring everyone down.

[Pip]

Yes there is hope.

Unfortunately there is still the stigma to depression which doesn't help with the way we feel.  I went many years before I could tell a doctor how I felt as I didn't want to admit to being depressed.

You've taken the first steps to help yourself so that's something to be proud off.  Taking medication doesn't always work or may take some time before the right one woks for you.  The first one I took made me feel like a zombie, the second did absolutely nothing for me.  I take medication for other health problems which actually helps as the medication makes me feel better physically.

Rest assured you are normal and don't let depression define who you are.  You are you and just so happen to suffer with depression.  There is life beyond depression even if it means learning to live with it and having coping mechanisms.

[Michael Frankum]

Hi, as Pip says , there is hope but this damned illness does it's best to crush that. A lot of what you are experiencing is very similar to my experience, but there are people and medecines that can help, and there are good people who can understand without judging. As I sais, it's an illness, not a personal weakness or a reflection on your life. I had a good childhood, and have lovely parents. I don't know what I have to be depressed about.

Best wishes for your assessment. I hope that you are able to find the help that you deserve.

[Octavian]

Thanks guys. Calmed down a bit though that's probably the zopiclone kicking in! Appreciate the kind words and sending love and support to all who feel its too much right now.

You're not alone. Stay with us. There's hope. You're winning every day and please don't be frightened. Good people are out there x

[The Pastor]

Hi there and Welcome *()
You are not alone we are all here routing for you
just be up front with your appointment hold nothing back there is help
you have made the big steps in recognizing  where you are at and that is great for moving forward .
you are in my prayers
with blessings  0158

[stewart]

Hi Octavian, welcome to the forums, hope your assesment went well for you.

[Octavian]

Thanks everybody. Unfortunately the waiting list for therapy is 6 months. The Nhs is a shocking joke and they seem to treat mental illness with the same level of ignorance that the public do. I have no idea what I will do now. The psychiatrist who assessed me seemed offended when I asked questions about my diagnosis.

Have totally lost faith in the nhs. It's run for the benefit of staff not patients. How many others out there like me? I thought the point of paying my taxes all my life was so in an emergency I could get treatment. Am now going to have to take on debt to get private help.

I used to defend the nhs. Now I couldn't care less what happens to it.

[stewart]

Hi Octavian, its not so much the nhs its self, its the stupid politicians that run it

do you have a MIND office in your area? they are quite good, and many on here have used them.

[Pip]

I'm glad stewart suggested MIND as they can help.  People often don't think of suggesting MIND as a means of support so it's worth getting in touch with them.

[Michael Frankum]

My referral to the CMHT has just been rejected, so I can really sympathise. I think that I'm going to try contacting MIND as well. Good Luck - don't give up. Michael