I need to vent...

[Michibelle]

Hi everyone.  I felt yesterday like I really just needed to vent, to get my feelings out in the open.  So I wrote a letter -- a letter I can never send even if I wanted to.  And I could never bring myself to let anyone I know read it.  But I thought I could post it on here.  Perhaps it will help someone else.  Maybe someone can offer me help or advice.  I haven't posted it because I want sympathy and I could never expect understanding because I know most of it is compeltely irrational.  I just wanted to have someone read it.

I apologise if anyone finds this offensive or upsetting, but it is real.  It is raw.  It is me.  And I can't help that.

"Dear XXXX,

I wonder every day, do you think about us?  Do you wonder what our lives have become?  Often I think you know exactly what has become of us.  I have become so paranoid that I’m certain you’re watching from a distance.  Always there.  Always seeing. No escape.

I am paranoid.  I know  I am.  But I can’t shake this feeling in my gut that somehow I haven’t gotten rid of you or the hold that you have over me.  Why won’t you die?!  Why won’t you leave this planet and leave me alone?

Then some days I feel sorry for you.  I ask myself “Was he ever really aware of what was happening?  Do you really think he understands the effect that this has had on your life?”.  The answer is, of course, no.  How could you understand how it has affected me?  No-one does.  Not even me!  Only recently have I come to realise and admit that it hashad an effect on me.  I still believe that this makes me a weaker person than I thought I was.  I liked myself more when I thought I was able to deal with this and the realization that I simply cannot do it by myself has knocked me over again.

So I wonder, when you think about us, what do you see?  Do you see four vulnerable children, so trusting and naïve that you can take advantage of them in a way that they can never come to terms with?  Do you see that pre-school aged me who adored you and worshipped you, over whom you had an unbreakable hold?  But that hold was breakable, wasn’t it?  It was broken that day that they spoke up.  So do you see that child?  Do you see the broken girl who cried in Edinburgh High Court as she watched that wretched judge hand you a sentence that was so deeply hurtful and insulting to me whilst you sat there looking like the f***ed up disgusting peadophile that  you are and cried into your hands.  Was that for our benefit?  Did you realize that as you sat there and cried I was being physically restrained by my aunts sitting on either side of me?  Did you realize that only by their good grace you escaped a life sentence in that courtroom?  Because had I gotten my hands on you that afternoon, the anger that stirred inside of me (and still does to this day) would have had control over me.  So do you see that girl…looking so vulnerable to you, but deep down so full of anger that she could kill a man with her bare hands?

Or have you seen me recently? Do you see the grown up me? Do you see a young woman so at odds with the world that she can barely stand to exist in it any longer?  Do you see a young woman so filled with rage that she can barely hold it together?  With so little patience that she finds herself breaking down at the most ridiculously insignificant things?  A girl so hurt that she can no longer feel pain for the things that ought to cause it…  So numb and disassociated from her own life that she struggles to remember childhood memories.  So warped in her own mind that the thought of having children or even being near them causes so much stress, pain and heartache.  

I am not normal and it is your fault.  You ruined me.  You have left me so dysfunctional that any time I come up against a difficult situation the best I can do is duck for cover or press the “Self Destruct” button.  I am broken and I can never be fixed.  So who will love me?  How can someone love me?  Is it possible for another person to love someone who does not love themselves?  Not only do I hate myself, I hate this world I live in.  Because of you.  Because everything I see, everything that surrounds me reminds me of you and what you did to us.  Because I cannot see the good in people, I only see evil.  You took that from me – you robbed me of my belief in the goodness of people.  Because if someone who is supposed to love me and protect me and care for me can destroy me…


How can I believe in the goodness of anything?  I don’t even believe in the goodness of me.  I am not a good person.  I don’t deserve to be here.  A useless waste of life.  

So tell me, XXXX…what do you see when you look at me?  Can you ever understand the consequences of your actions?  Can you ever truly understand the person I should have been and the person that I am, because of you?

Did you know I started smoking because of you? I smoked for almost 7 years and now every day is a constant battle not to go back to it.  But it’s one small thing that I control now, and not you.  At least I have that.  Did you know that I abandoned my education at 16 because of you?  Did you know that I was so in the depths of the darkest depression I have ever felt that I wanted to die?  But even then, I was too weak to do it myself.  I wanted someone to do it for me.  So for weeks, I barely got out of bed.  Barely ate. Dropped out of school.  Abandoned all hopes of anything that I ever had for my life.  What was the point?  I didn’t want to live it, didn’t deserve to live it. So why the f*** should I bother getting out of bed and PRETENDING to these people that I was ok?  I wasn’t ok.  I was black inside.  The hatred, the hurt, the disgust, the guilt, the sorrow for the childhood that I never got the chance to have.  It was eating me up and I was allowing it to happen.  What was the point in trying to fight it?  This is what I deserved.  I should wallow in my own disgusting self-pity for so long as it took for nature to simply remove me from this earth.  Surely there had to be something less painful than this? And at the end of the day…nothingness can’t hurt me.

But with the help of my close friends at the time, and my Auntie Tess, I was able to pull myself out of it.  It was by no means an easy process, but then nothing about my pathetic f***ing life ever has been, has it?  Every day was a constant battle.  Getting out of bed in the morning was like climbing Mount Everest.  I enrolled back at school again but had missed my chance to sit exams.  What a waste of space I am.  So I rolled along, for the following months, each day lifting my head a little bit higher.

Until I learned how to numb myself from it. I found a little box inside my head where I could stash away all of the nightmares, flashbacks, memories.  Anything that could hurt me.  I got to be quite the expert at viewing such things as though I were watching it on TV.  I started to forget that they had happened to me.  But as I stashed away the bad memories, it would seem that good ones went with them.  After all, almost every happy memory has been tainted by you and your disgust.  Birthdays.  Christmasses.  Easter.  Any special occasion.  Even simple things like walking the dog.  All ruined.  And I was so off my face with depression that I remember very little of my later school years, although they were so filled with pain that is probably for the best.

I thought I had pulled myself back.  I thought I had conquered it.  I thought I had regained the control of my life.  I went to uni, I got my degree.  I’ve got my dream job to start next year.  I made it.  I did it all in spite of you.

But I haven’t pulled myself back.  I am still black inside.  I am still worthless, guilty, disgusting and pathetic.  I am still undeserving of the blood that’s in my veins, the breath that’s in my lungs.  I don’t deserve it.  I am still that quivering wreck of a girl who is hyper-sensitive to everything, who is so angry with herself, with you, with the world.  So full of hatred.  The difference is that now I have become so accustomed to hiding this away, I can’t feel it anymore.  And if I can’t feel it, how can I deal with it?  How can I move on from it?

How can I make myself a better person?

I’m not sure I can.  And I can’t blame you for that.  This one’s on me.  You caused the initial damage, but I have been self-destructing ever since.  I turned my back on myself and my past.  I turned out the light and locked the door.  Now what if I can never open up to myself again?  Is this the person I am destined to be for the rest of my life?  I don’t feel like myself.  I don’t want to be this person.  This horrid, angry, pessimistic, depressive person.  I want to be me again.  I want to be free again.

I know that the only way I can move forward is to start by forgiving you.  BUT HOW CAN I EVER DO THAT?  What you did to me…I can bring myself to move on from that.  But what you did to them.  No.  I simply cannot.  I cannot forgive you.  And I cannot forgive myself. No way.  Never.

So where do I go from here? This is where the road ends for me.  No progression, no bettering myself.  Just destined to be this disgusting shell of a person.  Useless waste of space.  Always to afraid to stand up for herself.  Knowing full well in her mind when something is wrong, but never being able to say anything about it.  That is who I am.  And that is your fault too.


YOU DID THIS TO ME YOU BASTARD.  YOU BROKE ME.


I hope one day I will get to break you.  I hope.  I pray that God can be that gracious.  It would be worth spending an eternity in hell for that one moment of revenge.  For us all.

I hope.  I hope you see what you have done to me.  And I hope you are afraid.  And I hope you are sorry.

Michibelle."

[junior]

Hi michibelle
It was very hard to read your post, i dont think i could ever understand how you are feeling but i do feel for you, i have know people who have been through the same things and have seen them struggle, i wish i could say something that would help you even a small amount but dont know what to say.
Junior.

[Michibelle]

Thanks Junior.  I'm sorry you found it difficult and my intention when posting was definitely not to upset anyone reading it.  Unfortunately, at the moment, I feel very much alone with these thoughts and I felt like if I didn't let them out they might take over me.  This seemed like the perfect place for me to vent because you are all so supportive and kind.  And sometimes it's just nice to hear someone say "I know how you feel" and mean it.

I know the way I feel isn't me, and isn't right but I can't stop myself from having these ridiculous thoughts.

Thank you for reading my post, and for your reply which really means a lot to me.

Mx

[junior]

I found it hard because someone i know went through the same thing, she blocked it out for years but it got to much for her, she would have nightmares everynight, continuously cry and couldnt really bond with anyone, she was asking me for help but i had no idea how to help or what to do, anti depressants did help her a small amount as she could sleep, i really felt for her but i personally felt useless, i wanted to help but all i could do was listen when she wanted to talk and hold her when she needed someone, that was a few years ago and now she seems to be doing very well with out the anti depressants.
I think its like you say, you just need to let it out.
Junior

[lightenup]

A difficult to read Michibelle, but all of us has been through various degrees of shall I say life experiences, that we have tucked away in that little box.  The problem occurs when the nightmares creep out, or the no longer being able to cram anymore in there.  We all know when these things ebb out into our brain then comes our inability to cope, or be normal and make us feel vunerable and deeply sensitive to everything.  I for one cannot wait for the day we come out the other side being the strong person we all know we are having dealt with all the things that were easier to tuck away than face head on.  Our brains, if we only knew probably deal with these things in this way so we can cope at another time.  Just getting things down is a great way to move and help us on our way.   

[Ezel]

Michibelle, thank you for posting and I respect you for having the courage to do so.  I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I don't as I haven't been through what you have.

[Michibelle]

Thank you all for your kindness.  Posting my letter really did help me...sort of like a release on a level.  I know I have a lot of things I need to work through, but I guess just getting out the initial angst is the first step.

Again, I sincerely apologise if I have upset any of you with what I posted.  And please don't feel like you have to offer me advice etc -- I know that my specific experiences are not shared by the majority of members (and for that I am eternally grateful), but it is nice to know that there is still support on here and it is comforting just to know that people are there to listen (or read, I guess).

Although we haven't all experienced the same things which have led us to this point in our lives, at the end of the day we are all suffering in the same way from the same illness and supporting each other is the best way to get through it.

So thank you to you all, and I hope I can do the same for you.

Michibelle x

[alone]

Well, my reply to you is to say your message didn't upset me by reading it but your experience made me very sad and to read what you went through, but I took from it that it was written by someone very angry but who seemed to take control of their feelings when writing this and I think it was very brave of you to post this, it certainly puts a lot of things into perspective. Although I will say that all of our experiences impact on each of us in different ways, I'm not belittling (don't know about the spelling) anyone's past or current experiences, it just meant a lot reading your post and I wish you all the best.