Venting, or something along those lines...

[Clid1989]

Hi everyone. I am new here and I just wanted to start off by saying that I am not sure if I have depression, or even know what the hell is going on in my mind. I am just looking for some friendly advice as I unsure who to turn to!

I am not sure when it all started, but it has definitely been a while. I have had feelings of worthlessness, and I feel like my life has no direction.

When I look back at the past 5 years of my life (bar the past 1 year), it feels like a huge disappointment. I worked in an office earning a really bad wage, and only recently have I come back from working a year out in Canada. I have no qualifications, no experience in anything other than office work, and I have no motivation to pursue something else. Nothing interests me, I have no passion for anything.

I have a very small amount of friends, and even then with the majority of them I don’t feel overly comfortable. It’s not easy for me to make friends and I shut myself off from everyone a lot of the time because I get very down a lot of the time.
I moved to Canada for a year to try something new, and it was awesome. Since coming back I have been very, very down. Which is understandable I guess. However I have always had a problem about getting excited about things, and this can mean anything. Going out for a meal with friends, starting a new job. Anything.

Whilst I was in Canada I met an amazing girl. I fully believe she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. She is the love of my life. But when I came home she pretty much just ended things. She isn’t sure what she wants out of a relationship and doesn’t want to carry things on, or even if she wants things to start up again when I return in September.
I understand a big part of the way I feel right now is because of this, but I still can’t ignore the other issues I have. I take her out the equation and I still worry about the future.

There is nothing I want to do with my life by way of career. When I get down I sometimes feel like if I was to die, would I really care? And the majority of the time, I think no. I would never commit suicide. I have never had suicidal thoughts, but because of how I feel now I think it could only get worse and I am scared if it does get to that.

I just worry about my future. I don’t really care what I do! I just want to be happy, that’s all I want. I look at other people who have significant others, or have jobs they’re happy in, or even see people walking down the street who are laughing and smiling. And I just want that. I just want to be able to smile and be happy.

I have been sleeping too much and not eating enough. Sometimes even getting out of bed feels like a lot of effort. There is loads of things I can do with my time but I just don’t have the motivation to do it.

I guess I just needed to vent. I used to write this stuff down and throw it away, just to get if all off my chest and it did make me feel better. But now it doesn’t help, and maybe if I write it down where people can read it and maybe give me some advice that may work. I have already backed out of going to buying self-help books, going to help groups and booking an appointment with my GP.

Thanks guys.

[Pip]

Hi and welcome, it's worth you going to see your doctor and be honest how you're feeling.  Doctors attitudes do seem to be changing towards depression.  Years ago I went through a period of being very depressed and was told to pull myself together by a doctor.  It took me about another 15 or 16 years to find the courage to tell another doctor exactly how I was feeling.  He told me I was severely depressed and that it sounded like I had been for many years.  That was almost 9 years ago.

Self help books might help but it's also good to get advice from your doctor.  There are so many different types of depression to start off with.  You are displaying some symptons of potential depression such as lack of motivation, too much sleep and lack of appetite.

[Ice Maiden]

Hi and welcome 

[stewart]

hello and welcome to the forums Clid

[popsicle]

Hello and welcome  0158 you'll be supported here  0158

[Clid1989]

Thanks guys!

And thank you pip. I saw a doctor this morning.

Last night, I told my ex that I didn't want to speak to her anymore. She wasn't that happy about it but understood that I couldn't keep talking to her because it kept reminding me of what we don't have anymore. I said I can't do it, for now.

My doctor heard me out and asked me some questions. I scored quite high on the questionnaire she gave me and advised me of cognitive behavioral therapy and/or medication. I said no to the medication for now, I want to try and avoid that.

I tried to get a counselling but I can't get seen for up to 5 weeks!

I feel better going to the doctor though and not speaking to my ex, even though it's not even been a day yet.

Thanks for hearing me out guys! 

[Pip]

It's good that your doctor listened, it's more common these days to answer a questionnaire.  It doesn't surprise me over the wait for counselling.  I had specialist counselling back in 2004 / 2005 which I didn't have to wait long for but if I had gone through the NHS it would have been several months and I got fed up of waiting after about 5 months.  Relating to other people who suffer with depression does help though.