Help

[Wallow]

I have had thoughts of suicide for the past 6 months and dont know how much longer i can put up with this for. All the nhs had offered me is counselling every 2 weeks for 6 sessions. This is doing nothing for me (mainly because the counsellor doesnt listen to me - she assumes she knows what i was going to say & usually gets it wrong.) I have spent 4 weeks as an inpatient at a private hospital & am on some heavy duty drugs but none of it seems to have helped at all & the health insurance has now run out. It takes me so much effort to even do little things which i get no enjoyment from. Am struggling to see the point of continuing & wonder if there is any other help available out there?

[stewart]

Hi Wallow,
the NHS is a shambles, they wont spend the money on prevention,
having a councillor who wont listen must be hell,
can you say what is at the root of your D?

[Wallow]

A deep self loathing that i have had since i was a child. I believe myself to be vile & worthless & that i deserve to die. Noone else knows what i am truely like so i dont see how they can disagree. The only reason i havent killed myself is because my kids need someone to look after them but i am becoming less & less able to do this. All i need is some energy, patience & self control. Most days i question whether i am ill because what people call a depressed outlook is all i've ever known - to me it is reality, it is me - & who can question that?

[stewart]

in many ways it sounds like you are very similar to me (apart form kids) i too believed i was worthless, untill i met my Lady Lynne, the only Lady who made me feel worthwhile. unfortunatly Lynnie has passed away from cancer, i realise it dosnt work for everyone, but for some, just to have someone believe in us is a mega boost.

[Wallow]

I'm sorry to hear about Lynne. I cant imagine how painful it is to experience such loss. Thanks for your kind words.

[Catbrian]

Wallow, I can appreciate how you're thinking.  Believing we're worthless and deserve to die are all symptoms of depression.  It's a pity the meds you're on are not helping.  Have you ever talked to them about a change of meds?

[Wallow]

I am going to start on quetiapine at a low dose so I am really hoping this will help with anxiety & chill me out a bit. I am a bit worried about the fact it is classed as an anti psychotic though - sounds like pretty heavy duty drugs.

[tharidler]

hi wallow
sadly as you have found mental health care in this country is pretty bad at the moment but at least you are seeing someone so i hope that you will feel some benefit and hopefully they will extend your care as catb said your feelings are all part of depression and you are not vile or worthless and no one deserves to die although we all feel like it a lot of the time and although the meds can seem scary when they are anti psychotic i have taken a few and its because they have dual use and not because you are psychotic the meds and doctors can get you to where you want to be

[Leo]

The mental health team is rubbish in the UK.

Can I suggest putting your thoughts on paper. I have done this a few times. It usually gives them a shake and makes them get off their backsides and do something.

[Wallow]

Thanks for your posts. I took myself to A & E on boxing day because i reached a real low point, cut my arm a few times & felt pretty unsafe. I wish i hadnt bothered. The psychiatrist there did nothing helpful. I really want to kill myself but because i have 2 little kids i just feel like i cant do it to them. I feel like i'm not offered help because of this - but it doesnt mean the feelings of wanting to kill myself are any less. I feel as though unless i try to kill myself the nhs doesnt want to know. All the psychiatrist said was that she thought i was on far too many meds & that she had to inform social services because i have young kids. I am now freaking out about what social services are going to do (does anyone know?) & she has created loads of doubt in my mind about the meds.

[Leo]

I'm just out of one of my lows so can sympathise.

From what I have been told, unless you do something with suicidal intent they don't do much. I took a few too many of my tablets, but because I looked for escape not to kill myself they don't see it as anything other than self harm.

I have said many times I think it's unfair to have to fight so hard for help when you are struggling so much.

What are your current support networks? Would your GP refer you to a mental health team? They aren't great all the time. I've just had to print a load of text from my journal and an email to Samaritans to make them take me seriously. When they do take you seriously they are ok. Much as I complain about my occupational therapist, she is consistent. I fight her every step of the way.

Please don't feel alone, I find solice in this forum. I hope you can too.

[Catbrian]

wallow. I'm also on quetiapine and did initially find it did help a lot.

It doesn't sound like that psychiatrist was helpful at all. I really don't know what to advice re social services. I imagine they would want p to help but I'd try not to worry too much, youve enough on your plate.

I hope you're doing okay