Stopping by to say hello and try and get my story off my chest.

[BBStarBB]

I think this is the correct sub forum. I've only just joined up so am not fully clued up where to post my first post.

Hello all. I'm male, 32 years of age and have had what can only be the worst 15 months of my life. I feel like it has all come to a stage now where I don't even want to wake up in the morning.

I'm in a long term relationship with a girl who has had so Many health problems. Her medical condition has left her blind, almost deaf, wheelchair reliant and incontinent (amongst other things).

Her health has deteriorated to this level over the past 12 months. I guess I feel more of a carer now than a boyfriend. We haven't been "intimate" for 14 months (I don't feel that the lack of intimacy is a major problem.... Of course, I'm a male and I miss "It" but it isn't the be all and end all as far as I'm concerned)

My fiancée can't have children. This again hasn't bothered me up until recently. I always told her I was happy to consider other options if we ever decided we want children in the future.

Next chapter

This, to me, is the part that is absolutely eating away at me.

We enjoyed a lot of time with good friends of mine (my best friend and his wife). They have 3 beautiful children who I absolutely adore! Sadly, my best friend (I'll refer to him as this for now, will explain later)

I always got on well with his wife. We become close friends and he was happy with this. Messaged each other lots and spent a lot of time together. We share the same sense of humour and interests.

You're probably thinking that I've mentioned the friends wife for some other reason. No, nothing like that... We were just good friends until...

My best friend left his wife. I supported his decision to leave (that's what friends do?). I was there for him whilst offering as much emotional support for her as I could. Quiet possibly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Me and her grew really close... The pair of them can't be in the same room as each other now. I haven't spoken to him until yesterday since May. There was no goodbye or explanation until yesterday. He took offence that I was "there for her".

The long and short of it. I've fallen for my friend... Big Time. So much it hurts. We've shared some special days in the last year. I've been there for her everyday, really took her under my wing. She's the last person I think about before I go to sleep and the first person I think about when I wake up.

I've told her this... Many months ago. She knows I absolutely idolise her. I think family and friends suspect feelings too. She had told me that she sees me only as a friend and always only will. I accept this, If I don't... I lose her from my life

I've been there for her every day, emotionally, financially and any other way she needs. We've argued at times, I've took offence at her backing out of plans, shes deleted and re added me to social network sites. I tried to distance myself from her, she told me my feelings were just a "crush" and space would sort us out. Some would say that she has messed with my head a bit... Invited me on holiday with her and the kids and then uninvited me. Asked me to start a new life with her away from our home town (as friends??). I'm a bit blinded by her due to my feelings, I'm in love with her.

I know I'll probably sound like a typical male who can't keep it in his pants... Nothing sexual ever happened. I enjoy companionship and am satisfied with a hug and a peck on the cheek. I know I should be there for my fiancée but I just can't! I can't tell her how I feel she's too weak!!

This time 14 months ago I was happy. Healthy fiancée, good friends, my own health was good. Now... A fiancée who sits talking to herself and doesn't remember what happened yesterday. My best friend and his family hate me, my new best friend is dating other guys and telling the world how happy she is whilst I have to be "happy" that she's happy with another guy making her happy! I'm on medication for anxiety, insomnia, palpitations and blood pressure (I had a mini stroke last year)

Just feel that everything is a complete mess. The only person I can talk to about this all now tells me she's tired and going to bed to avoid having to listen to me and my problems! I know I shouldn't be burdening her. She's not interested in me... I try hard to accept that.

Thank you for reading. I'm hoping that just writing everything down and re reading this all can be of some help.

[Pip]

Hi and welcome  +-_ , you come across as one of the good guys in life  %^% and little wonder you're going through the mill with everything going on in your life.

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome  +-_. You really are going through it  %^% for you.

S x x x x

[BBStarBB]

Thank you Pip and Shaz. Very nice to meet you both xx

[Sweetpea]

And you to, the forum is a lovely friendly and supportive place.

S x x x x

[stewart]

Hi BB, welcome to the forum.

[BBStarBB]

Thanks Stewart.

It's always this time of night and half way through the day when I feel at my lowest. I don't know if it's the thought of waking up tomorrow and having to exist and pretend that lays on my mind at night.

I phoned my fiancée earlier. The conversations are draining. Spend 10 minutes talking about nothing and I find myself wanting to get off the phone to her. It's really not her fault. I try and make sense of it all and then think what she has gone through herself. I know I'm not happy with her but also know if I left her and something happened to her, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

Also anxious about tomorrow. Although I had a good chat with my friend on the phone last night, her "date" has been at her house again tonight... She hasn't contacted me today, doing more important stuff. She claims she's worried about me and tells me to get to the doctors as soon as I can. Said I could call her today only in an emergency. To be honest our friendship has built mainly on text messages with occasional meets.
Anyway, the anxiety tomorrow. She has invited me to her house tomorrow evening for present exchange. As much as I love going to see her and the kids she has backed out of plans and cancelled last minute more times than have actually gone ahead. I'm scared that this rejection is going to knock me about.

She tells me that every time her door goes the kids get excited and think it's me. I have such a bond with those kids. I'll probably never be a dad myself. I love them to bits. Got a photo on my phone of me and the little girl on a day trip in the summer that causes me so many tears every time I look at it. She's sat on my knee listening attentively to what I'm saying to her. I'm telling her all about the big plans for our day trip.

I do hate myself a lot of the time. Got such an urge to run away from my life and go and start a fresh somewhere. I do think about ending it all often also, although I know I couldn't do it. My mum, she's the reason. She raised my brothers and I on her own. She never remarried and dedicated her life to us. I know if I done anything stupid it would break her heart and damage her forever. She doesn't know I'm on these new tablets to treat anxiety and insomnia. Few people do. My female friend and another female friend. They're both sworn to secrecy.

I know these tablets aren't a miracle cure but I'm really concerned that as they're fading I'm starting to get increased anxiety. Trouble is, my doctor was useless... The type of doctor who's first question when I walk in is "how many weeks" (like I'm looking for a sicknote for work). I told him about the problems with my fiancée and he wrote this prescription out for me for Oxazepam. Whilst I was relieved that he was treating me seriously enough to prescribe me something, I've been on these now for almost 2 weeks and actually feel worse than before! Was tempted to just throw them in the bin!

I think I'll probably go back to the doctors and see if there's anything else he can do for me. Although I've got good at painting on a smiley face I'm starting to get ratty at people asking me if I'm ok... I know it's easy enough to White lie an tell people I'm fine... I'm not fine though. I'm really struggling with everything.

Another thing. I'm getting very forgetful. Find myself lost in thought and forgetting to do things. Very stroppy at times, cold, uncaring. My friends and families don't recognise these things in me, everybody relies on me to be happy and sensible.

Been thinking about trying to get a few days away on my own in the New Year if funds will allow. I know I need to find myself again

[Sweetpea]

We are all very good at putting the 'I am fine' face, its hard work especially when inside we are screaming. Antidepressant medication does take a while to work, they are not a quick fix like a head ache tablet, I found this very hard. Also sometimes we can feel worse before we feel better. Improvement is gradual.

Going away in the new year sounds like  good idea, I do hope you can manage it.

S x x x x

[The Pastor]

Hi
welcome i hope this forums will help and support you we are all friendly bunch and full of ideas
if you want to talk to me i am always at the end of the phone if you want my number just pm me ok
try to keep your chin up
with blessings

[BBStarBB]

Thank you so very much. For all of your kind words.

Time for a hot bath and to go and deliver these presents to my friend. I've declined her offer of food this evening to enable me to make a quick getaway.

I've worked out that I have to put this association behind me. Whilst I know it will be hard and it probably incredibly selfish on my part, I am not happy that she values a "stranger" higher than me. I've done a lot for her and drained myself emotionally for far too long. Walked the streets at 4am looking for her one night because she phoned me crying only to find out she had got a taxi home. I've been there a lot for her because that is what friends do? Just feel that I've been led on somewhat until the time that she was able to spread her wings and make a life for herself? I can't carry on like that, she needs a friend or friends who'll be happy for her, not a friend who feels sick at every Facebook status update hinting that she's been up to allsorts until allsorts of hours with a guy she's just met.

Anyway. I suspect that sounds like I'm jealous... I probably am a little.

I know I've got bigger problems to deal with so if I can eliminate this one then I can prioritise my stuff again.

Have a great evening all. I won't be late. Going to see if I can get a family member to take me and pick me up to limit what is going to be the start of a goodbye from me to her and the kids.

[BBStarBB]

That's done! I don't know how I feel right now. Ffffffffffff I love them all so much.

Was different this time. I felt really spaced out round there. I wasn't there to enjoy myself I was there to say goodbye, without the confrontation that I'm simply walking out of her life because she's found somebody that has put a smile on her face. Feel so selfish right now.... How can I do it any other way? How can I be there as her "best friend" when it suits her only? Telling me how tired she is because she's been up til 6:30am snuggled up on the sofa with a guy she met a few days ago? Telling me that She will have to see the nurse because getting pregnant is the last thing she needs right now.

I know she has to find happiness herself and I know I shouldn't begrudge this. It's hard. I'd never have intentionally fallen for this girl.

I need an early night. I'm emotionally drained. Hugged those little darlings tonight knowing deep down that it'd be the last time. The little boy sang one of his Christmas songs to me. I almost burst into tears. I'm
Not a bad person. Absolutely full of love. My hearts racing at the moment. Need to desperately get myself happy before I break down and ruin everybody's Christmas.

I don't think tonight was a good idea. Think I probably should have made my excuses and sorted the present exchange when I felt a bit better about everything.

Thanks all for your words of support so far. I'll be phoning the doctors again in the morning and hopefully he will know what to suggest xx

[Ohdaddy]

Hi BB

Welcome to the forum.

I have just read your postings - it seems to me that people who suffer from depression are more often than not those who really care - it seems you are one of them too.  It also seems that you have been used somewhat, but at least your female friend had given you plenty of heavy hints that she does not want a relationship with you.  Put yourself first for a change - do what you know is right and put the feelings of others second to your own welfare before it drags you down into that black pit of despair. Remember there is a big world out there.

[BBStarBB]

Thank you for your reply. It makes a lot of sense.

I've not had much experience in dealing with signals from females. Rather naive in fact. Met my current fiancée a lot of years ago. She was my first girlfriend

Thank you, I really do consider myself very kind, caring and like to put everyone first.
When I went to the doctors a couple of months ago he asked me if anything was bothering me (I was suffering with palpitations and headaches). He suggested it may be anxiety but I told him everything was fine... Didn't want to admit my problems then.

Friends do tell me to put myself first. I know I need a bit of "me time". I've got ambitions for the new year. I'm hoping that's progress. This time last week I didn't even want to see the New Year.

Thank you all. I'm sorry to keep harping on. Hoping that writing regularly will help me make sense of it all. It's really helpful sharing this and not being judged. So many different people in my world telling me to do this and do that. A lot of conflicting advise that messes with me further.

Soon be Christmas hey? I hope you all have a good one. So many people due round over Christmas here. I'm hoping I'll be so busy that I'll forget about everything for a little while xx

[BBStarBB]

Feeling a little better today. I'm guessing it's because the house is full of excitement for tomorrow. Keeping myself occupied and am going to do some baking later. My speciality quiche... It won't have time to cool before being demolished.

A few days off work. Back in on boxing day. I enjoy my job and work with some good guys. It has been my sanity recently, people don't understand why I look forward to going back to work after my days off so much. I think it's because I consider it to be normality, there doesn't seem to be a lot of that in other areas of my life at the moment.

I wish you all a very happy Christmas. Massive thanks to all who've replied to this thread so far. It means a lot to me knowing that people have read this and not judged. I know I've done wrong but can't help the way I feel.

Kind regards xx