this is my first post and im in desperate need of advise please. i guess i don't really know were else to turn, and im kind of hoping somebody who can relate to my problem.
i don't know where to begin so ill just say it. in short, for 8 years my life just seems to get worse and im not sure how much more i can take.it started when i always found it impossible to make friends or generally be in any social situation without thinking people thinking im a freak, or that i was somehow making a fool of myself or that everyone hates me. i cant converse in any situation and every single time i try,the awkwardness present is unbearable. because iv this, i stopped socialising, leaving the house and generally became a recluse. when i do have to leave the house its a distressing experience. no matter how much i tell myself that it isn't happening, i get an uncontrollable feeling that everybody is staring at me, talking about and laughing at me. the laughing thing is the worst, iv always been self concious about my appearance because i know im an ugly guy and i get the same comments on my appearance all the time. gradually things got worse, and im now at a stage where i simply can not talk to my own family, even my mother (who i live with) the feelings of awkwardness and humiliation for want of a better word is always present. at 25 i still live at home, im unable to keep a job because i can not be around new people without going into paranoid overdrive, and i have not a single friend to talk to . after going to my gp, he put me on AD which made me feel worse inside, and sent me to a councillor but again after two sessions i couldn't handle it any more, it just felt too personal and unnerving. i have never been close to my family so i don't feel like they would understand and i try to hide it by spending all day in front of my computer away from everybody. the only relationship iv ever had was a disaster,as she said i always made her feel awkward and that it freaked her out. i decided to tell her about this, so maybe she could try and understand and work through it. but she 'couldn't deal with the baggage' :\
so now im in the darkest place iv ever been.iv come close to committing suicide only once before, but now its almost beyond that. im a grown man that cries every night and i cant cope any more i have no one to talk to. i cant bring myself to meet new people. iv failed at education and everything iv tried. i really don't see a future in this and i just don't know how to get through it.
