*sigh* Four months ago I posted about a huge tax bill I had had for my business and how worried I was. Well, I worked my socks off and scraped the cash together, then organised my banking so a regular sum was being put by in time for the next quarterly demand. The next bill came and I even paid it early! With better money management and general decisions, the business is good at the moment. I have just paid off about 3 business credit cards with large amounts on them, bought a large piece of equipment I've needed for a year but couldn't get the cash together for, and even bought hubby and I a new front door for our house! I am not a millionaire exactly, just running things much better. I also had a gastric bypass 3 months ago and have lost about 3 stone so far.
And yesterday I self harmed for the first time in I don't know how long. Not badly enough to need medical treatment, but I needed to do it. I feel blackness is descending again and none of the above good stuff seems to hold it back. I feel bewildered as to why this is happening. Now, I've had depression for 25 years and am on high meds at the mo, I know my depression inside out, but this has been like a punch in the stomach. Maybe I thought the above good stuff would be a protection against the blackness. No, I think I hoped that it would, subconsciously. I feel all sorts of things at the mo, things I know are caused by my faulty brain wiring, like self loathing and no confidence and wanting to hide under the duvet and cry if someone so much as looks at me - but it feels so real, it feels true. And I feel so guilty for letting it take me over again, when all the good thing I've achieved recently should be enough to stop it. Like I'm not good enough, all my achievements are crap, I'm still a waste of space no matter how much I think I've got over that. It is upsetting me that I'm letting it get to me. I feel embarrassed and frustrated, like I'm weak, so embarrassed in front of hubby, like it screams at him 'look at her, see, she's still a piece of &$%+ no matter what she tries to cover it up with.'
We are going away this weekend without our dogs, first time since dunno when and I don't feel excited, I feel terrified I will let him down by being low and quiet and tired instead of happy and chirpy and funny like I was before the blackness came down this time.
I know the feelings of worthlessness etc aren't real. but they feel real, they feel true. I really believe I am a failure for not being able to keep the blackness away.
That's all I want to say for now, I just needed to get it all out. Thanks for reading this.
