I just want to tell this to someone.
I've been depressed most of my life, and things haven't been good. I've been hospitalised twice, and tried to commit suicide a couple of times.
I've been married for the best part of 20 years, and things haven't been good there, either. I thought my husband was going to leave me, so a couple of weeks ago, I told him to go. And he went. He left like that was what he wanted to do.
I won't go into all the problems we've had over the years, caused by my problems and by his. And if he came back, I don't know if I'd have him back. It might be too late ever to fix things. It might have been too late years ago.
But now I'm on my own, and I mean totally on my own. I'm pretty much stuck in the house for various reasons, including physical medical conditions. And I'm so lonely. And I've started cutting myself again, and I haven't done that for years. They are only scratches, but that's because the knife is blunt. It's only a matter of time before I find something sharper.
There is nothing anyone can do, and I'm not here looking for a solution to my problems. No one can do that, not me, not anyone. I'm stuck here, in this life, this house, this failing body.
I just wanted to say the words, and I just wanted someone to hear them.
I've been to the docs. I can't take anything because of preexisting conditions. He's made an appointment for counselling, that will come through some time in the next year and a half. I can't see anything else that I can do.
So many years. So many times. I don't think I can start again. Not now. I'm too old, too tired.
I just wanted someone to hear me. That's all.
