So I'm back here again after not posting for nearly a year. Sad to say but for most of that time nothing has changed. I'm now 17 and am taking my A levels, and so far things have just collapsed even more. It's not the workload (I never do anything anyway so its not like I don't have time), even if a lot of the time I'm too sick or just unmotivated for it, but lots of other things have been going wrong. For example there's been a huge divide in my friend group. A lot of people left at the end of last year to go to a big, prestigious in the town centre. Despite easily getting in, I opted not to go since I didn't like the college itself and I have problems around large numbers of people, obviously all too common in an urban location. I've stayed behind at my high schools sixth form and my grades/ teachers are great, but I've lost so many people through lack of contact or arguments. I still dont feel like I'm worth anything or have anything different to offer to anyone and generally avoid getting too involved with anyone anymore.
The worst thing though is that I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We dated for a few months and I can honestly say its the only time I've been properly happy for years. We had a real connection, feeling the same way about practically everything and having similar "issues". we helped and loved each other so much. But she had come from a different high school and had gone to the college in town. The work had gotten too much for her and she suddenly decided to break us up, with no prior warning. There's no bad feelings, she just says she didn't have time for the relationship. But that dosent make me feel any better. She's stopped replying to any attempt I make to contact her and I can't stop worrying. It's at the point where I constantly feel sick and it's intensified problems I've had with my spine; now I can't even walk sometimes.
To make things worse my mood sometimes drops even lower. I do things like downing sleeping pills or teetering on the edge of the railway bridge or just cutting myself more than usual. Last time I covered my entire upper arm in one session. I just got back from a three day field trip with college; no one was in when I got back and I ended up drinking and cutting for a few hours. I don't even like alcohol. Even on the trip itself I had a breakdown, leaving the hostel and wandering around in the dark in tears. My insides feel twisted and squashed and my eyes feel completely dead. I don't sleep much anymore. I don't know what to do.
