34 years old and depressed

[LOVEFAC21]

hi there! currently suffering a bout of the black dog - it comes and goes and is usually deterred by me ignoring it - however all that happens then is that it manifests itself in other areas - such as anger, frustration, sadness etc.

my history of depression - well it started in adolescence  - aged 14 years where i self harmed and was under child psychiatry. i didnt come from a broken home - we lived in poverty on the council estates but that really wasnt a reason to be depressed. we had each other as a family  - thats more than what most people have.

i feel my depression is generic - it runs through my father's side of the family - all my siblings have it in some form or another.

self harm led to eating disorders then it tended to come and go - the waves of blackness being eased by pills from my GP

lately the waves have returned - its affecting my sleep, work, relationships, motivation. i am currently not on anti-deps but am considering going back to gp for a course to ease this pain. it again manifests itself in self loathing and me feeling like i have wasted the last 10-20 years of my life being unhappy, being angry with the world, losing friends, missing opportunities through fear etc. i cried all night to my husband saying that i didnt want this life - if i was to look at me now when i was 16 then i would have sacked it off a long time ago. i wanted to be in a band - i cant play anything but i did have a guitar and bass guitar which just sat forlorn in a cupboard for years. me and a mate tried forming a band countless times but because neither of us could play it kinda fizzled out. i look back to my 20's getting pissed and being angry, doing stupid things, never thinking or looking to the future and this is where i am now. i only thank god that i dont have children because i would feel even more frustrated and trapped and at present i dont envy anyone with a kid. i think im too selfish

so the tide is turning - i need to stop having regrets about my youth and try and live for today. i want to take more risks and go with the flow instead of fretting and worrying about what if.... i have done that all my life. i dont want to turn 40 being in the same situation as i am now but i fear that the black dog will prevent me from taking the leap of faith. "£$

[Buttercup]

OMG, that could have been me, even down to the age.  The only difference being that I have kids and am bipolar.

Hang in there, some things are worth fighting for, I'm trying to rebuild my life but it's going to take time. &*( &*(

[LOVEFAC21]

thanks buttercup - i am glad we are not alone and there are plenty of us out there

i want to live my life and enjoy every freaking second of it - not to sit there crossing off the days - i appreciate the value of life and how it can be very short in the grand scheme of things but when i get like this, all i want to do is end it  - whats the point kind of thing and its hard to brush aside.

i dont want to be the happiest person on earth - but i want to enjoy waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day - to my life rather than thinking "if only i did this...if only i did that..."

[Munchroom]

A lot of your post seems very familiar... I was under a child phsyciatrist around 14/15 and although I wasn't self harming at that point, I did hate how I was - I was always 'too quiet', wishing I could be someone else. I'm 27 now and although there have been years where I have been happy, it feels like this depression and anxiety has been with me all my life and I just wish it would go away so that I can start 'living'.

You aren't alone in this and there are loads of lovely people on this forum who will support you  :) Sometimes we just need the tablets to give us that bit of a lift so we can get up in the morning xxx

[Zaf]

I'd suggest you do go back to your GP for some meds and possibly counselling.

Z xx

[KateG]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I can identify with all the what ifs and regrets, I do that so much

Going back to your GP might help though?

Kate x

[Sweetpea]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I also think it would be a good idea to see your gp.  I have found that meds and counselling have helped me.

Take care

S x