General Moan

[mackemftm]

hello all,

I am new to the forum so please be gentle.

Basicly i stumbled upon this site as i wanted to rant and was about to aimlsly do it on facebook before i realised if i put how low i was feeling or how i feel ingeneral i will get about 1 million replys and will have to explain myself to everyone.

Thats not what i want to do.

perhaps in the past i may have longed for that attention from people wondering why i was so down and depressed. In the past exactly that has happended and people have tried to talk to me about why im feel like i do. And after about 8 years of being diagnosed with clinical depresion i have now given up trying to explain. i think this graphic explains more that i could ever write about how i feel.....  &*(

the most frustraiting thing for me about the depresion i suffer from (and im sure everyone if diffrent) is that I have no logical reason for it. I somtimes hate myself, i cant support my family like i want to, im not as good looking as i want to be, am not as fit as i used to be, my career is not were it should be, i not as good of farther as i should be. i know i set myself stupid targets and when i dont meet then i kick myself maybe more than i should.
the thing is i have on paper the life i always wanted, goodlooking girlfriend, amazing son, money is a issue but im not skint, career is way better than i was ever exspected to get. Yet all i can see is negativity. i cant concentrate on the simplest things for more that 5 minutes, i forget things people told me all the time cos i was in a world of my own.

i was asked by my doctor if counceling would help. I thought long and hard about that and came to a conclusion....... I have nothing to tell him. I can tell him my symptoms but i dont have anything else to talk about. i even tried hypnotheropy. i was open minded when i went to it. but suffice to say that is a complete crock of %$*&. And should be treated as a well organised con. if it works for you thats great but i would say that its a placibo effect and if you belived that drinking 2 glasses of water a day would make you lose weight then you probably would lose weight. same applys.

well i dont realy expect a reply to this but i maybe someone can identify with this breif description of my state of mind and how i deal with it.

thanks,

[JohnGalt]

Hello mackemftm

I almost fell out of my chair when I read your post, the similarities between you and me are so close!

I was diagnosed with clinical depression too about 10 years ago. I have been feeling depressed since I left school in 1996. I have told a few people that are close to me that I am depressed (close friends and my parents) but none of them "get" it!! I am so sick of hearing: Pull yourself out of it or chin up! FFS, if I could do that I would have done it ages ago!!!

I also don't really have a reason to have felt this way for so long (although recently it has been due to me being in a job I HATE). I have had a phenomenal career and done really well financially but I am single after messing a very important relationship with the only person I have ever loved and had feelings for. Ironically, she knew about my depression before we started going out. Heres the weird thing, she had an honours degree in psychology and even she couldn't put up with me somedays or help me.

I also REALLY battle to concentrate nowadays and because my confidence has really taken a knock I find it hard to talk clearly and properly to people. I often zone out and float away into my own world.

Besides being single for years now (I never really got over that girl I was in love with) I have it all going for me now: money, health (ignoring my depression), live in a nice place where its safe etc etc. Its so weird because people that know me at work think I am this pleasant happy guy (I should get an Oscar for my acting at work) but little do they know. Maybe some do know but don't say anything, I dunno. I do screw up new (and old) friendships though. I became friendly with this girl at work and it went great for a few months and then I just got all weird about it and ended up pushing her away. She was so nice to me and I blew it...I blew it bigtime. Now I have become friends with another girl at work and find the same pattern happening again, I just wanna get rid of her so she will leave me alone (even though I really enjoy her company). And then I moan to myself that I am lonely. Damn, I really am screwed up when I type this stuff up.

In terms of dealing with it, I tried many things, therapy, psychiartrist, anti depressants, exercise, heavy music etc. All helped to some degree but I just found myself sinking back into myself. The weirdest experience I ever had with my depression was, I used to mountain bike 2 or 3 times every week. The one day I was cycling and I felt like someone had taken the battery out of me, I had zero energy. I had to actually push my bike back to my car as I just couldn't cycle one more metre. I have felt that way ever since (about 6 years ago). To date I have not cycled again.

So I am out of ideas I'm afraid. I dunno what else to try to "fix" me/us. At the rate I am going I am gonna be a very sad and lonely guy until the day I die.

Thanks for reading.