Hello long intro I'm afraid as no one to talk to

[Aimez]

I joined this forum a month or so ago but was not sure what to say.
My name is Aimee and I am 25 and live in Sussex. +=-
I do not know if I am depressed but have been over the past year been feeling worse and worse and do not think other people who are not depressed feel this way?
It started when my boyfriend ended things in July last year for various reasons but one was my temper and the other was he was actually frightened of me he finally told me after an incident when I grabbed him round the face.
I have always had anger issues since school and got expelled and my only two serious relationships ended badly and I felt as though I was depressed as took me over a year to get over things.
My sister has had depression and I am adopted and my birth mother had extremely serious mental health issues and could not look after me or any of her many children and apparently barely knew she had us and my father was apparently angry an violent man who went to prison. I have never met either of them as I do blame them in part for the way I am.
Anyway that is just a bit of background really since last year when I started to feel low I started to back away from at the time my best friend Tarnya. But after about 3 month she seemed to tire so I started to see less of her gradually and she got mad one day and wrote me a message telling me to get over myself and stop being selfish.
We have not spoke since but I still miss her. Recently her boyfriend who was my friend too and I was there for when he was depressed when they split once stopped speaking to me and when I asked ehy he said no reason he didn't care and was not upset we were not friends.
This made me feel so awful I just wanted to get out of my head and be someone else who people liked. I have no friends left they have all got bored of me not coming out and moved on. I had a guy interested in me but had to tell him I am in no state to start seeing someone as I still think about my ex daily.
I have started snapping at work mates and the rare occasion I am happy I am really really happy then the next feel so down a hundred times worse the next day when reality hits. I have run out of ideas and people to talk to and have been speaking to someone who is a manic depressive and he asked me lots of questions and thinks I should go see my doctor. I have been putting it off but things are getting worse I am in tears most nights and cannot sleep.
I keep thinking I ma fine as at work I am okay and don't want to waste the doctors time if I am fine. But then when I am at home I am so down.

Sorry this is so long I don't really have anyone to talk to I live with my Dad who is usually at work abroad and my Mum and I are not that close since she cheated on my Dad and left him 5 years ago.
What shall I do am I just being silly does everyone feel like this for so long?

[Ezel]

Hi Aimee and  ^&*

You probably feel fine at work as you're there to do a job and it takes your mind of things that make you feel angry or depressed.  I could be totally wrong but I have my suspicions your anger is a sympton of what's really bothering you.  You really do need to see your doctor even if you feel fine and just be honest with him or her the same as you have been here.  The fact that you know you have an anger problem and you get depressed is as positive start but the next step is to allow others to help you as well.  You wont be wasting your doctor's time

I am going to send you a pm as well *()

Pip

[Aimez]

Had more people not want to know me as they are sick of me being like this so an seeing a doctor next week. Read the Hugh Laurie interview and this he said made me think they are right;

"It affected everything - my family and friends. I was a pain in the arse to have around. I was miserable and self-absorbed. It's actually selfish to be depressed and not try and do anything about it," he says.

[Aimez]

Thought I would update this; I have since been to see a doctor and she asked me to come back and gave me some self help info and things to try and she was very understanding. I then stupidly forgot the appointment as got distracted at work. I went back again and this time saw a student doctor and then the Senior doctor came in and talked to me for a while. He asked if I would try medication but I didn't want to and he said I could go talk to someone at the local Mental Health Centre. I am going on Wednesday for an assessment. I don't know if this will help but got to try something I guess.
I worried going again will create problems at work as I have already had to leave early for appointments and the place I have to go to is a 20 mins drive away now. I am worried work will now ask questions I asked my boss if he wanted me to take it as holiday but he said no it was ok, I hope it is nothing serious. I work 08:30 until 6pm so is impossible to go outside of work now I am getting a bit obsessed by this now and that I will have to tell people what is going on. I have told one friend what is going on but no one else as there isn't really anyone else to tell!
I am worried if I have to tell my boss he will treat me differently and think I cannot cope with my work. My boss loves sacking people for any reason must have sacked about 8 people and about 5 other have left because of him in the last year and a half!

[Ezel]

Thanks for the update ... I've moved and still waiting for the internet to be connected ... I can imagine you having concerns about your job.

[DeeDee28]

I know how you feel. I worry about my work finding out as I work for the mental health services and now I need to access them myself. At the end of the day though depression is an illness and not something you should be ashamed of. I put off going to counselling because i was worried about my workmates finding out but I need to just bite the bullet and go for it. If they find out then what the heck. If they are decent people (which im sure they are) they will understand.

[Cazkitten]

Hi Aimee, I just wanted to say I hi and you're not alone. I hope you get help and feel better.
I can understand you feeling you don't want to tell people at work - to be honest I don't know what to advise, they may be understanding, they may not as unortunately there is a lot of ignorance around mental health problems. Telling your boss and getting an unhelpful reaction will make you feel worse.

I like the Hugh Laurie quote   :)

[Johnnymc]

Hi Aimez can you let us know how you have gone on please  *()

[Aimez]

I have recently been back to the doctor after my last visits they sent me to a local clinic but they felt I just needed some counselling. After they recommended this I didn't sort it out then had the bad new that my estranged brother had committed suicide and my parents who hate each other caused me and my sister major stress my arguing about the funeral. After that I was obviously feeling alot worse and was thinking of going back to the doctor when I got a letter asking me to go in for a review. This resulted in me being recommended to go to Mid Sussex counselling services. I went  two weeks ago and had a assessment so I am now on a waiting list for a counsellor to suit me and the times I can go. This is Saturdays only as I work until 6pm so think I will have to wait a while, When I go I pay 10 a session each week.

[adi01]

Hi Aimee, i have read all the comments and feel very sorry for you, i am pleased that your to have some counselling. Dont set yourself any targets for this. Take whats given and dont look at it negatively. One thing i would advise is tell everything and dont be embarrassed about anything you say. this is you and your counsellor,they have heard it all before. If nothing it will give you some release. It seems you have alot of old access baggage going back to when you were a little girl and you need to get this off your chest..

Be strong,relax but be honest.  All the best. Adi x

[Aimez]

Thanks so much for kind words but don't feel sorry for me there are people out there alot worse off than me. The assessment I told the lady everything really which kind of helped did upset me though. I hope that speaking to someone will help me get some confidence back so I can meet some new people and start going out again but am not sure been a very long time now since I have had any friends and I no longer trust anyone.

[crystalmagpie]

Hi I'm a newbie here, and I'd just like to say that I really admire you for tackling your problems head on. It takes a lot of guts to do that (I'm not there yet) and if you ever need anyone then log on here as you are not alone, we can all empathise with you. About the trusting bit.......one day, when you are ready, you will find someone who is truly honest and caring, and although you might never trust them 100%, you will get pretty close. Just hang on in there hun.

x x x x x x x

[Aimez]

Thank you, took me a long time to do anything just left things for month but just felt worse and worse. Bit of a blow today as stress of moving and sorting out the farm I live on with my Dad has come to a head, he cannot afford to live here any more since my parents divorce and my Mum getting lots of money. I don't think I will ever have a good mate ever again not spoke to my ex best mate for a year and a half now.

[Flea]

Aimee, your post made me cry, it's awful to know you feel so alone and are going through so much...I can relate and I bet many others on here can too.  You aren't alone, please know that. xxx

[Aimez]

I know its funny wish I could meet some people who understand instead of pretending things are normal. Getting tired of being asked what I have been up to each weekend when it is always nothing apart form maybe going to the shops.