Not really sure who I am..

[Cubone]

I spend all of my time pretending Im ok, putting a brave face on things, or just laughing it off and pretending depression is one hilarious joke..

And its exhausting.

I dont really think anyone really knows me or who I am because of my constant pretending, and I think I use this as a barrier, or a way of purposefully isolating myself. I know its probably bad for me, but I think it has something to do with me being really ashamed of who I am, and the fact that I dont like me, so why would anyone else??

I cant really be the only person that does this right? And the fact that Im aware of it, but still do it cant be a good thing.

Does anyone else do this? Has it had any effect on anyones relationships? I find that instead of attempting to fix it, I just want to leave, get as far away as possible, so I can just start again.

[Zaf]

I certainly do and I'd guess many of us here do too even if its not all the time with everyone.  Depression is such a misunderstood illness unfortunately

[supportme]

Take comfort in my words, Cubone, you are certainly not alone! I am not sure who I really am. On the positive, I have some idea as to who I hope to be.
It takes time. I had more than a handful of disaster relationships, and yes I have ran away from all of them! Perhaps, like me, you ran away from them, because of who they are not who you are. Because I am so unsure as to who I am, I have spent time with the wrong person. There is nothing wrong with it, but it would have saved a lot of heartbreak. I think sometimes in relationships you reach a point of no return, where you or your partner can not fix it. Lack of support was mine- it was betrayal.

Don't rush yourself take one day at a time x

[Buttercup]

I always put on a face for the benefit of the outside world, I know I do it, my GP says it is a defence mechanism to protect the real me, that makes a lot of sense to me.

I'm lucky and am in a very strong and supportive relationship but when I am confronted with difficult situations at work or with friends I always run away rather than confront the problem.

You are not alone in the way you feel.

[KateG]

I put on a brave face for the outside world too. The only people that see me as I really am are my OH and a couple of very close friends who have experience of depression, one because of her job and the other because she's had it.

And you're right, it is exhausting to pretend all the time &*(

[Sweetpea]

You are certainly not alone, I know I do it, saying I am ok when inside I am screaming No i'm not.  As Zaf says its hard as most people don't understand mental illness and are frightened of it.

S x