Ready to quit

[Dobbie]

Hi. I'm new to all this, so don't really know where to start. Ive suffered from depression in the past, but have managed to get by on antidepressants alone. My wife has always stood by me in the past and has helped me through the darkest times. However, the last 6 months has been the worse episode to date. During this time I have not been to work so have spent nearly all my time at home, although during this period I was put in hospital for my own safety, as I had contemplated suicide. My medication has been changed several times and I am now taking mirtazapine.

I know I have been difficult to live with and I have put a lot of my negativity onto my wife. I have tried to be honest with my feelings, but she says she can't take anymore. So since yesterday I have been thrown out of the family home. At the moment I am staying with my mum, who's answer to everything is a cup of tea. I spent most of today wandering about the shops with no real aim. I just don't know who to turn to anymore. I don't have any close friends to speak to and now feel completely isolated.

I've convinced myself that all my work colleagues have just about had enough of me due to the time I have had off sick. I work in healthcare NHS, so this doesn't happen to so called healthcare professionals, right? My wife has thrown me out and doesn't want to talk. I've kind of had enough of taking pills that don't seem to work, apart from numb me emotionally. I just feel I want it all to stop. The only thing that is stopping me from doing something silly is my two year old daughter, who I am missing so much. Although, now I keep telling myself that maybe she would be better off without me as I don't feel like I have been the best father in the world to her.

[Glen53]

Welcome to the forum.

Your daughter sounds like a good reason to hang in there. Talking is usually a good start on the road to recovery, so you are doing the right thing by posting here. There are many people on here who will be able to advise you and offer words of comfort - we all suffer with depression for various reasons and I have taken comfort in knowing that im not alone.

We all fight together.

Take care and speak soon.

[Zaf]

Hi, Glen is right that talking about things can help a lot and you'll find everyone here very supportive xx

[Lol]

Dobbie this is a really difficult time for you. We are all here to support you.

[Dobbie]

Thank you all for the quick replies, I really appreciate it. I have tried to take my own life in the past and always regretted it after. I think it has always been more of a call for help rather than a genuine attemp at taking ones life. It does help to know that I am not alone in feeling this way.

[Zaf]

Many of us have been suicidal so know where you're coming from, depression is a horrible illness but in here we all try to fight it together

[Glen53]

I felt low enough to do something stupid at the end of November. When I found this place, people rallied around to help me with advice and support.

Now when i feel those familiar dark thoughts creeping in, I get onto the forum as quickly as I can to update my journal - simply to get my feelings down. This helps in itself, but also allows others to advise and support me. It wont cure me, but it has helped so much. I can also look back to see the progress I have made, as it seems easier to focus on the negative stuff and not see any improvement.

If you want to start a journal of your feelings, you can do so here: http://depressionforums.co.uk/dpf/index.php?board=23.0

[Dobbie]

Thank you Glen53, the journal idea sounds good. I'm sorry that you felt that low. It's a horrible place as I am sure you know. I find it difficult to open up at the best of times. I have tried counselling and although I got on with them, I didn't really find it useful. I don't think that I can really pin point an exact cause for my depression. In fact the more I think about it, I think I have always suffered from it to differing degrees. I suppose I am a glass is always half empty person.

[Glen53]

There can be many causes for depression, but I tend not to look too deeply into 'why' these days. Its a long road and often has no answers for you.

I just see it as a long term illness that you can have relapses with. When you are good, you feel normal. When you feel low, everything seems bleak. Just see the low times as a relapse of the condition - a seperate event - and treat the symptoms accordingly. If you look as it as one disease - one event, then you start to anticipate the next time it will strike you and that can be a hinderance.

[lbruk]

welcome, sounds like a horrible time for you at the moment, there are a lot of people here having the same thoughts and issues with same and different circumstances, but the outcome is the same.

you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that will help you through this.

[lost rolex]

What you will find on here are people like you, people who you can talk to, a vent, the release valve, the escape hatch, you have to except that the brain shuts down sometimes in order to repair it's self, allow this shut down and think of your needs at the moment, it's hard to do but there is a lot of pressure out there that's hard to cope with at the best of times never mind Christmas



LR

[Dobbie]

Thanks, really appreciate all the kind words. I think I might like it here!

[Zaf]

LR has summed it up beautifully :)

I have found this pace a godsend, especially when I was really bad in the summer